So, I guess that's what it takes.
All the time I've been complaining about balance... I guess I was just playing the wrong champs. Picked up Renekton, have only ever played one game on him, and take him into ranked. Won three games in a row and absolutely dominated Lane, even against champs I couldn't fight before. Carry games. All that.
Go figure, playing some braindead easy champ like Renekton is all it takes to win. But hey, this game is balanced!
Guess that's how I climb though. Just gotta play easy champs. At least Renekton is somewhat fun.