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[Champion Concept] Telum, the Dark Immortal

Aeon Torn·1/2/2016, 4:40:12 PM·7 votes·931 views

Telum, the dark immortal Marksman

Abilities: (Passive) Breathtaking Performance: Telum gains bonus movement speed the lower his health is.

(Q) Enervate: Telum throws a cursed dagger at a target, stealing a portion of their health over a few seconds. If Telum is able to keep the target in range for the entire duration of the ability, the ability's cooldown is massively reduced, and he gains a burst of movement speed. (Skillshot)

(W) Circumvent: Telum hurls out a wave of knives in a circle around him. If Telum hits an enemy champion with this ability, he gains a movement speed boost and immediately fires off a second wave that costs no mana and does half damage. This effect will only engage once, no matter how many champions are hit.

(E) Distorient: Passively grants Telum extra damage based on his current bonus movement speed. When activated, Telum dashes a short distance. If he finishes his dash near one or more enemy champions, all nearby enemies are briefly slowed, and Telum gains a burst of movement speed.

(R) Extreme Prejudice: Telum targets an enemy, immobilizing and silencing them for a few seconds. For the duration of the ability, Telum gains massive attack speed against his target, and his basic attacks lower the cooldown of his other abilities. (Skillshot)

Bio: Growing up on the streets of Zaun, Telum had nothing save for what he took for himself. Beholden to no-one, unconcerned with tomorrow, Telum was a shadow who prowled through the back alleys and rooftops, his knives dealing with the problems he couldn't avoid or outrun. Time passed, and Telum began to get bored with his life, which now offered him so few challenges, until one day he raided the collection of a collector of magical artifacts. During the heist, he was discovered by the owner. Telum dispatched the owner without even turning around. As the owner bleed out on the floor, a black helmet that had been resting on a nearby podium came to life, taking flight and coming to hover before the astonished Telum. A voice came from the helmet, introducing itself as Verum, a wizard who had imprisoned his spirit in the helm to escape his foes. Telum's precise violence had garnered his interest. The two came to a bargain. Telum would wear the helmet, and provide Verum with more of the sort of violence he so loved. In return, Verum would strengthen Telum with his magic, and protect him from death itself it needed. The bargain made, Telum donned the helmet. Now serving as Verum's entertainer, Telum wanders the world, seeking new challenges with which to entertain his bound partner.

“Disappointing. That conflict was astonishingly underwhelming.” -Telum, commenting on defeating five foes single-handedly.

Description (Physical): Telum is a human male. He dresses all in black, and wears a full-length trenchcoat, pants, and shirt. He also wears armored silver elbow-length gloves and knee-high boots, and a face-concealing featureless black helmet. He uses throwing knives as his weapon of choice, drawing them from inside his coat. Telum has a fondness for using grandiose verbiage in an effort to verbally belittle his foes. Telum has little patience for other immortals, who he thinks of as blind idiots, though he has a small soft spot for champions who are self made, especially street kids such as Ekko, Jinx, and Vi, as they, like him, have made themselves powerful without assistance from others.

Description (Gameplay): Telum is an marksman who is focused focused on maneuverability, harassing foes with hit-and-run tactics, and able to move fast enough to evade many attacks. As such he sacrifices health and base damage for speed and range, able to kite and control foes with ease. He is able to do well in a duel, provided he prepares properly, but he does not have the health to survive in close quarters, or against superior numbers.

Passive, Q, W, R, and Lore edited on 1/3/16 at 13:00 based on comments from Echoing

Q, W, and E edited on 1/3/16 at 15:05 based on comments from Echoing

Bio edited on 1/16/16 based on comments from Sswordplay

7 Comments

ModEchoing1/2/2016, 5:49:13 PM1 votes

So why play him over another marksman?

I mean, if you wanted dueling, you could go with Quinn, who can jump in and combo off a good chunk of your health with Harrier procs and ult away to go kill someone else, or Graves, who can literally shotgun your face off and give himself extra resists with his E. If you wanted maneuverability, Lucian is plenty maneuverable and does the AD caster thing pretty damn good. What does Telum offer over everyone else?

Your passive isn't exactly the most useful thing. At best, you're cheating the enemy of a kill. That sucks, but you're still out of the fight since you have no mana and no health, so the original intent is accomplished. At worst, you revived in the middle of a DoT and die immediately afterwards. It's also triggered on you doing poorly enough to take fatal damage in the first place, so this passive does nothing to help you if you're doing well.

The rest of your skills indicate you should take a closer look at other examples of similar skills. Your Q deals significantly more damage if the enemy breaks the leash, but no other champion save Illaoi punishes you for breaking a leash (that's what you're supposed to do, unless the leash was totally harmless in the first place), and even Illaoi doesn't deal direct damage if you break her leash. Your W warps an ally to you...without any consent or way to keep them safe. You have to click Thresh's lantern or Bard's portal, and you're invulnerable while Kalista or Tahm Kench have you with them and can leave at any time. Both of these methods ensure the ally, even if they don't exactly have a say in getting moved, can at least control where they end up.

Your R is pretty unforgivable, being a point-and-click lockdown that may as well be a stun for what little options the enemy has. The CC alone would be ultworthy as a skillshot, but adding all those damage steroids on top of that is far, far too much, and pretty much means you can point, click, and erase anyone unless you've managed to go 0-10 by 15 minutes or something.

The lore is incredibly short and does not endear me to the character. It sounds way too much like the stereotypical self-insert in a fanfic - being able to beat everyone and being bored with beating five opponents by himself does not establish the character as a badass, but a man with a totally arbitrary amount of power that exists only as self-gratification. That's not what you were aiming for, I believe. You could rectify this by exploring more into his motivations and his source of power. What truly drives him? Why is he immortal? Is this enjoyable?

It seems like you could make this guy a whole lot better if you did some more looking around and gave him another go. Right now, this looks like a casual mind dump instead of something you're truly passionate about. If you really want this guy to look good, he'll look good.

MaarMarwanGames1/3/2016, 5:05:51 PM1 votes

Like it, but what's the point of a big slow if a champion is already snared?

Aeon Torn1/3/2016, 7:18:36 PM1 votes

Echoing: Thank you for your comments.

Aeon Torn1/3/2016, 9:08:05 PM1 votes

Echoing: Edited again. Thanks again for the feedback. I really do want to get this champion done properly. If you can spare the time, I would love it to continue working off of your feedback.