Can I get a narrative writer to look at a short piece I wrote and tell me how it is?

I wrote a short story in a separate fantasy world, and since I adore the craft of the narrative writers of LoL's lore pieces, I was wondering if one of you guys could come and take a quick look at this one and tell me if it's ok or if my writing style needs improvements. I'd be very grateful and honored if so.

The piece is here on deviantart:

http://heresjohnny9001.deviantart.com/art/The-Tiger-and-the-Monkey-680986941

Ok for some reason it's pasting the first few sentences. Sorry about that, I can't really stop it.