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SIGN-UPS: Champion Concept Critique by The Djinn

ModThe Djinn··8 votes·2,312 views

Hey guys!

I'm The Djinn, a self-taught game designer with 10+ years of mostly amateur (and some professional) design experience and a love of offering up conceptual and mechanical critique, specifically with regards to mechanical functionality and fantasy fufillment. I've recently interviewed for design positions at companies like Rockstar and Riot Games so, while I'm far from the be-all-and-end-all of designers, I may have some useful thoughts or advice that can help your designs reach their potential.

As such, I'd like to put forth some of my time to offer comments and critique on some creations on this board. If you'd like a review, please drop me a LINK to your post as well as a brief description of the champion or kit in question. PLEASE ALSO CHECK THE REQUIREMENTS BELOW. I will not be reviewing anything that doesn't meet these requirements.

#Requirements

--Initial post does NOT have ability mechanics contained in quote boxes. This makes it impossible to simply use the Quote feature, and that really makes it a pain to review something.

--Abilities have at least rough approximations of damage and ratios (even as simple as low - medium - high), approximate mana costs, and have their cooldowns listed. It's impossible to properly judge a kit's functionality without this information.

--You must actually be prepared to accept critique. I won't pretend that I'm always right, but I also don't want to waste my time and yours offering suggestions or comments that you aren't prepared to at least consider the validity of.

--One request at a time only. You may post other requests once the first has been reviewed

#Looking forward to talking with all of you!

53 Comments

Candurill2 votes

Hey :D this sounds like an awesome idea!! I'd really like to have some critique on some champions ^^ But by far the one id like it most is for Sham'a The Candle Maker He's part of a series of champions i've made representing the different regions of Runeterra and their folklore. Sham'a is a spirit of light and kindness (little like santa) from Shuriman folklore ^^ I'd love to hear your view on him, and maybe even the whole series...but thats like 4 champions ^^'

ModThe Djinn1 votes

A quick look (I'm not near a computer currently, so can't offer a complete critique) makes it apparent I'll enjoy reading this one. You put a lot of thought into it, and it definitely shows. I'll get to it as soon as I'm able...might end up being tomorrow though, due to a busy weekend on my end.

Candurill1 votes

[{quoted}](name=The Djinn,realm=NA,application-id=A8FQeEA8,discussion-id=2pzEYfTR,comment-id=00000000,timestamp=2015-11-21T21:52:18.547+0000)

A quick look (I'm not near a computer currently, so can't offer a complete critique) makes it apparent I'll enjoy reading this one. You put a lot of thought into it, and it definitely shows. I'll get to it as soon as I'm able...might end up being tomorrow though, due to a busy weekend on my end.

Thats ok :) i really like what i've read so far so keep it coming :D Its pretty late here so im pretty tired XP. i wont read it all yet, will be tomorrow aswell... thank you for liking my idea :D and yea ive put a lot of work into these concepts ^^ Sham'a is my favorite

ModThe Djinn1 votes

Sham'a initial critique completed! It was an absolute delight to read, and kinda made me annoyed I hadn't thought of the concept first. :-P

Let me know if you have any thoughts, questions, or critique for me and my presentation style -- I'll be following any further developments of Sham'a with interest.

Also, please let me know in the poll on this thread of my thoughts were helpful!

Lord Acacius2 votes

These are some past champion concepts of mine that attracted a bit of attention, they aren't perfect, just wanted to know what you would think of them.

Although, I would like you to review this one in specific. If you have time, or would like to... please review my other concepts. Thank you!

Yu Xiang, Fury of Demacia A leopard humanoid champion that focuses on AoE damage. Has the ability to reposition an enemy champion behind him, abilities can cover large areas if used effectively, based on a 3 strike combo system, ultimate is an amazing engage tool.

http://boards.na.leagueoflegends.com/en/c/skin-champion-concepts/jEqAMxct-yu-xiang-the-fury-of-demacia-leopard-champion

Never really had a name for this guy, he's just a Velociraptor champion that I wanted to share. Velociraptor that focuses on ambush tactics and single target assassination. Has the ability to leap, deal massive amounts of damage over a span of a few seconds (a bit longer than your traditional assassin), requires abilities to be combo'd together for maximum effectiveness, ultimate allows for great initiation onto the target and a tool to escape once finished.

http://boards.na.leagueoflegends.com/en/c/skin-champion-concepts/BlllPqAA-velociraptor-champion-idea

Craig Hughes, the Contract Hunter This was my first attempt at an ADC concept. He focuses on the importance of critical strikes (in which they are called "headshots" in his case), he is a sniper champion who has increased range but is dealt an immobilization penalty as he performs a wind-up for a basic attack, he has traps that allow him to control an area (great for laning phase and setting up plays), he has a long rage ult (similar to lux), he also has a piercing ability that is an attack modifier.

http://boards.na.leagueoflegends.com/en/c/skin-champion-concepts/be5qLd9A-craig-hughes-the-contract-hunter

*Here's a bunch of champion concepts that I thought of. Although, they don't have numbers added to their concepts, it's just a general gist of what champion I would like to see on League. If you want to check them out, they have some nice art by koutanagamori that I used as inspiration for their concepts.

http://boards.na.leagueoflegends.com/en/c/skin-champion-concepts/EalXtQqZ-champion-concepts-bestialfantasy-collection

ModThe Djinn1 votes

Do you have a preference for which one I should look at first?

Lord Acacius1 votes

Preferably Yu Xiang please! Thank you for the critique, this will be helpful to a lot of people.

ModThe Djinn1 votes

Absolutely! Took a quick look -- won't be able to delve much into it until tomorrow or Monday. Initial thoughts are good though: didn't see anything that stuck out as terrible design, and the character thematics are quite strong. Looking forward to digging in to it!

ModThe Djinn1 votes

Alright! Dropped a review off -- sorry it's not as detailed as some of mine, but your abilities were, generally, pretty solid. The main issues were mainly in the lack of identity that the kit ITSELF has rather than any flaw in the individual design of the abilities themselves. I think you have a great concept in there that just didn't get as much of a chance to breathe as it could have.

Lord Acacius1 votes

Thank you! I've expanded upon your review, if you can please review them. I just might bring it back from the dead and post it again on the boards.

Candurill2 votes

Loved the feedback :D i voted yes and you already had my upvote for the discussion ^^ You're the best!! Thanks for looking at Sham'a ^^

MoloMan8D1 votes

http://boards.na.leagueoflegends.com/en/c/skin-champion-concepts/rQMbBZiE-champion-concept-golbert-the-helping-hand-a-tank-jungler-that-moves-in-a-really-special-way

Here's my Champion concept, Golbert the helping hand. I'd love to see ya tackle this one cause it's nearly an impossible concept, although it's a really fun idea that I've been thinking about for a long while.

I'd just like to hear what you think about it.

ModThe Djinn1 votes

I'll be honest? Without being able to test that movement system, I can't really do a good review on the champion in question. I suspect his passive will make him way too mobile outside of teamfights, and way too vulnerable in situations where positioning matters, but I can't be certain. He'll definitely be DESTROYED by skillshots -- a Flash every 3 seconds is really good, but may not be a substitute for actual movement.

Unfortunately, since so much of his kit is positioning or Hand dependent, it's really difficult to judge him.

I will say I'm not a fan of having to choose between abilities and/or movement though: that's a position that I don't think a player should ever be put in, save for high-impact abilities like Kog'Maws W or Xerath's Ultimate.

MoloMan8D1 votes

[{quoted}](name=The Djinn,realm=NA,application-id=A8FQeEA8,discussion-id=2pzEYfTR,comment-id=00020000,timestamp=2015-11-22T07:40:49.984+0000)

I'll be honest? Without being able to test that movement system, I can't really do a good review on the champion in question. I suspect his passive will make him way too mobile outside of teamfights, and way too vulnerable in situations where positioning matters, but I can't be certain. He'll definitely be DESTROYED by skillshots -- a Flash every 3 seconds is really good, but may not be a substitute for actual movement.

Unfortunately, since so much of his kit is positioning or Hand dependent, it's really difficult to judge him.

I will say I'm not a fan of having to choose between abilities and/or movement though: that's a position that I don't think a player should ever be put in, save for high-impact abilities like Kog'Maws W or Xerath's Ultimate.

ty for the reply! Like I said, this is one of the weirdest champ concepts out there but it's really fun to think about him a little. Thanks! [slayer-pantheon-thumbs]

Narasimha1 votes

This is a super old one, but it's my first, and I'm fairly proud of it. I'd be interested if you gave it a look over. Thanks in advance!

http://boards.na.leagueoflegends.com/en/c/skin-champion-concepts/Pg4rdIjB-aron-the-judgement-of-noxus

ModThe Djinn1 votes

{quoted}

This is a super old one, but it's my first, and I'm fairly proud of it. I'd be interested if you gave it a look over. Thanks in advance!

http://boards.na.leagueoflegends.com/en/c/skin-champion-concepts/Pg4rdIjB-aron-the-judgement-of-noxus

Reviewed! I love the W, and quite enjoy a slight variation on your Ultimate, but I think the rest of the kit doesn't QUITE stick the landing. Strong potential is visible though!

Dicerson1 votes

http://boards.na.leagueoflegends.com/en/c/skin-champion-concepts/FaqtXii3-champion-concept-taric-the-gem-knight

Wrote it up! Really rough but a concept i've been thinkin about!

ModThe Djinn1 votes

Reviewed your Taric rework, Dicerson! Can't say I particularly liked the kit as presented, but it had a really good idea buried in there that I think you just didn't nail down perfectly, and I hope my comments will be somewhat helpful!

So yeah. Good stuff in there, but you need to let your unique ideas breathe a little more, and you need to remember to design accordingly: as presented, your cool Gem Aura idea is really more likely to frustrate players than make them sit up in excitement...but, with a little work, I'm pretty positive you can turn it into something that can help set Taric apart from the other tanky supports in the game.

NightmareCrawler1 votes

It's funny I happen across this as I wrap up one! I've cooked up a few in the past but I feel this one may be a fun one.

Gor'skah, a supporty styled voidbeast with the intent of smashing any fool who would deny him the right to free his allies in the void.

Not too much else to say here other than I look forward to your critique :D

http://boards.na.leagueoflegends.com/en/c/skin-champion-concepts/5PlIn483-gorskah-behemoth-of-the-void

ModThe Djinn1 votes

Reviewed. I had some trouble with this one -- I couldn't get the visual / descriptive fantasy to line up with the abilities at ALL, which meant that it was hard to comment on which features felt out of place on the kit. It was torn in several directions, and I think would be stronger if you focused it a bit more in one or two of them.

ShatteredSkys1 votes

Hey! ^_^ While I haven't made a concept yet I would love some tips on making one. Once I have some time I plan on creating my own concept and it would be great if I could get some from you. Also I spend a lot of time reviewing concepts on these forums do you have any pointers for that?

ModThe Djinn1 votes

Tips on making concepts in general are...difficult. There are so many.

The main things (highly simplified) to keep in mind are these:

--Depth in a kit is fantastic, but always remember simplicity is desired -- even in complexity. The very best kits are easy to understand, yet difficult to master. If you need paragraphs to write up an ability, it's probably not an elegant mechanic.

--Mechanics must work TOGETHER, not pull apart. Make sure you abilities flow together to create interesting and dynamic gameplay, preferably with periods of highs and lows for the champion AND for his/her enemies. Bonus points if there's not a single optimal order to use the abilities in.

--Be careful with CC. It gets more and more powerful the more of it you have.

--Remember that abilities can have damage, utility, support power, or crowd-control. Be careful of overloading a kit.

--Invisible power should be used sparingly. Plan accordingly.

You use the same techniques for reviewing, except that you're checking for these things rather than trying to achieve them yourself.

LilStacey871 votes

Sei, The Telekenitic

Hey Djinn, just thought I'd drop off a link to my concept again, I did a lot of changes based of your advice and I want your opinion if possible.

Dicerson1 votes

No love for my Taric Rework idea D:

ModThe Djinn1 votes

I have a full-time job with weekend hours, and it is near a holiday. It'll take me a little while to get to all of these things.

Dicerson1 votes

[{quoted}](name=The Djinn,realm=NA,application-id=A8FQeEA8,discussion-id=2pzEYfTR,comment-id=000b0000,timestamp=2015-11-23T00:46:54.842+0000)

I have a full-time job with weekend hours, and it is near a holiday. It'll take me a little while to get to all of these things.

ahh ohk. Thanks for lettin me know :D

regonas1 votes

http://boards.na.leagueoflegends.com/en/c/skin-champion-concepts/NsxXes4T-3d-champion-concept-baskershade-the-berserking-demon-flower-50h-to-make-it Will you have time to review it? I spent tons and tons of hours in make this. More than 50h pure work and i think it is the best champion concept i ever made, but what do you think about it?

ModThe Djinn1 votes

{quoted}

http://boards.na.leagueoflegends.com/en/c/skin-champion-concepts/NsxXes4T-3d-champion-concept-baskershade-the-berserking-demon-flower-50h-to-make-it Will you have time to review it? I spent tons and tons of hours in make this. More than 50h pure work and i think it is the best champion concept i ever made, but what do you think about it?

Baskershade has been reviewed! He probably takes a bit too much from his inspirations of Jax and Blitzcrank -- you need to do a bit more to flesh out what makes him unique, as his only unique mechanic is currently detrimental to a fun gameplay experience.

WarchfGinger1 votes

I have a couple, please look at any of them here!

Based on your criteria, I want to point a few things out:

  • Most of them don't use mana, so I'm not positive as to the balance of the actual costs, so i didn't put them
  • I have no idea how to make boxes
  • Look at any of them you want, Help on one would help my future creations and give me ideas of how to balance the others
  • I really do want critique. Please give me any and all advice you have.
ModThe Djinn1 votes

[{quoted}](name=Warchief Rylon,realm=NA,application-id=A8FQeEA8,discussion-id=2pzEYfTR,comment-id=000d,timestamp=2015-11-23T22:26:59.975+0000)

I have a couple, please look at any of them here!

Based on your criteria, I want to point a few things out:

  • Most of them don't use mana, so I'm not positive as to the balance of the actual costs, so i didn't put them
  • I have no idea how to make boxes
  • Look at any of them you want, Help on one would help my future creations and give me ideas of how to balance the others
  • I really do want critique. Please give me any and all advice you have.

I know it's been a little while (been busy...sorry!), but do you have any preferences for what I should look at?

WarchfGinger1 votes

Either Flynn or Raion(The the one I need the most help on, and my best, respectively)would be great Please don't look at the YorickRework, I am planning on removing it, changing it, then re-posting as an entirely different champion.

Pokeherman1 votes

Minus let it needs more tweaks but its a work in progress :D http://boards.na.leagueoflegends.com/en/c/skin-champion-concepts/imInN9BT-champion-idea-vetrac-the-dream-eater

ModThe Djinn1 votes

{quoted}

Minus let it needs more tweaks but its a work in progress :D http://boards.na.leagueoflegends.com/en/c/skin-champion-concepts/imInN9BT-champion-idea-vetrac-the-dream-eater

Vetrac has been reviewed! There's a cool concept in there, but you're relying WAY too much on the Fatigue mechanic, which doesn't really create the gameplay moments I think you were hoping for.

Lord Acacius1 votes

Hey there! It's been awhile, but if you didn't see, I added some info upon your review of "Yu Xiang". Would you mind going over it?

Thanks once again!

python 1591 votes

http://boards.na.leagueoflegends.com/en/c/skin-champion-concepts/Ik61xM8s-champion-concept-mercer-the-furture-soldier

Vorazun1 votes

Hi there! I'd really like if you could take a look at my concept, and would love too hear some feedback!

Shira, Valkyrie of the Eclipse

LilStacey871 votes

Hey Djinn, it's Hero (The guy who made that Telepath concept). I need critique on a champion if possible.

Here's The Link

ModThe Djinn1 votes

{quoted}

Hey Djinn, it's Hero (The guy who made that Telepath concept). I need critique on a champion if possible.

Here's The Link

Reviewed! Not a bad start, although a few things felt a little out of place.

Skelenth1 votes

Mind looking at these two of my creations? Soma and Scythe They got a bunch of downvotes, but never any comments on the reasons behind it

Tamur1 votes

Can you take a look at all my champions (there is only 5)

ModThe Djinn1 votes

{quoted}

Can you take a look at all my champions (there is only 5)

Please see the requirement section: if you'd like me to review something, please pick one for me to focus on. I have a lot of requests to work through, and so I'm disinclined to do five in a row for someone.

Do you have a preference for which one I should look at?

Tamur1 votes

Ok review Shin-Lu

DesolationKaizer1 votes

Hi, mind taking a look at this champion concept of mine? Rafnir-The Spellbinding Blade

This champion takes on the power fantasy of being a spellblade, combining physical might and magic. Because of the unique nature of his sword, his auto attack damage is converted into raw magic damage and the rest of his kit is comprised entirely of magic damage with hybrid scaling here and there. Much of his kit has on hit enhancements tied to his passive, as spellblades are known for applying various magical properties to their melee attacks in conjunctions with actual magic attacks and sword techniques.

Arakadia1 votes

http://boards.na.leagueoflegends.com/en/c/skin-champion-concepts/uq3pWMEM-gandari-avatar-of-the-fire-king

He's a top lane bruiser/fighter who relies on combos and can literally "burn" up all his health if used improperly.

shadowsaotome1 votes

This is actually my second creation, my first was something out of a fever dream or something. Not sure if I'll get it right or not, lol. This one I came up with over a year ago, but it was an idea I wanted to run with. (http://boards.na.leagueoflegends.com/en/c/skin-champion-concepts/GOaAbAoj-champion-concept-martin-the-last-chance)

More than happy to get your input and critique, thanks!

Edit: Link keeps coming up weird, but it works!

Akenero1 votes

Hello, want to be a part of a team that does this? Working on champ concepts the creation boards pump out, and gonna try to make them so detailed that riot practically has to copy-paste to put it in!

And balance is a huge part of it, interested?

ModThe Djinn1 votes

{quoted}

Hello, want to be a part of a team that does this? Working on champ concepts the creation boards pump out, and gonna try to make them so detailed that riot practically has to copy-paste to put it in!

And balance is a huge part of it, interested?

Beg pardon? I'm not quite sure what you're asking.

If you're asking me to join a team of champion-creators, that's not something I'm particularly interested in without seeing samples of the work of the individuals involved. I'm kind of picky that way, as I find I'm fairly competent at lore, design, and balance without needing others involved.

While a collaboration with the right group would be fun, I'd need some examples of previous work to show me that the group will enable me to produce better quakity material than I can alone. Some can, some can't.

Akenero1 votes

[{quoted}](name=The Djinn,realm=NA,application-id=A8FQeEA8,discussion-id=2pzEYfTR,comment-id=00180000,timestamp=2015-12-14T20:15:53.088+0000)

Beg pardon? I'm not quite sure what you're asking.

If you're asking me to join a team of champion-creators, that's not something I'm particularly interested in without seeing samples of the work of the individuals involved. I'm kind of picky that way, as I find I'm fairly competent at lore, design, and balance without needing others involved.

While a collaboration with the right group would be fun, I'd need some examples of previous work to show me that the group will enable me to produce better quakity material than I can alone. Some can, some can't.

Candurill is currently on lore with us

And an example of my art is https://www.dropbox.com/sh/1nhj62pwi4eq4y3/AAB4Aq77X6XmyXqrd09jTymJa?dl=0

ShatteredSkys1 votes

Hey! ^_^

Are you still doing champ reviews? I just finished with the basic kit of my concept(It still needs tuning) and would love some feedback. I also plan on taking this to the CCOS so are there any problems with that? Thanks!

http://boards.na.leagueoflegends.com/en/c/skin-champion-concepts/MzTpaEKc-wip-avalon-the-thousand-swords

baconninja881 votes

Hello!

If you're still doing champ reviews, I just posted a concept a few days ago and feedback would be awesome.

http://boards.na.leagueoflegends.com/en/c/skin-champion-concepts/EtRxLbzI-concept-lucet-the-light-shining-in-darkness

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