Your Favorite Champ must now raise a Child
They cannot abandon the child. They cannot harm the child. They cannot rid themselves of the child in any way.
What do they respond?
147 Comments
sharpies a draven-stache onto the kids face and hands him an axe
"perfect"
Gotta add my usual four...
would surprise everyone by being a competent mother, remembering how her father raised her. She'd be stern but fair and would encourage a lot of self-sufficience. And nobody would dare bully that child, especially knowing what happened to Shyvana herself...
. Faster than a speeding toddler, able to leap tall couches in a single bound. It's a bird, it's a plane, it's SuperMom. So strict that a military academy would seem like a party school, but very fair and capable. Child would grow up to become a mini-Kayle.
periodically forgets the child is even there, leading to a great deal of self-sufficience. Would contribute surprisingly little to the child's education, foisting them off on public schools or day cares all the time so she can plot her revenge. Eventually teaches her child to bully Kayle's child, improving relations between the two and resulting in a more normal relationship. They bake, study, and plot revenge together.
notes that raising a child is an inefficient use of his time and has one of his cultists do it instead. Upon noticing the child keeps returning to his proximity and he cannot harm it, rendering surgery impossible, he studies these phenomena, eventually leading to the discovery he is in a fictional universe and is being given an arbitrary assignment for the sake of a thought experiment on a discussion forum. Learning he cannot escape, he instead registers a League of Legends account, buys Jayce, and feeds relentlessly.
would notice he can neither harm the child nor be rid of it. Proceeds to use child as body armor.
the loving parent
The thing. It cries. Why does it cry?
Most self-sacrificing mother ever.
I now bear children. holds baby in a blanket
What the... when? With who? Who could possibly be the father?!
I dunno, the porch? That's where I found the little squirt.
Vi that is not how babies are made. But what are you going to do with it? You can't raise a baby!
Why the hell not?
For one, you're police! Who fights criminals daily! How could you raise a child without a guarantee you'll come home every day?
Nobody is guaranteed to come home.
You know what I meant. The baby would be worried if you even a minute late!
You panic whenever the milkman is late, so it would just be an inherited trait.
Wait what.
You're perfect for the mom role. You'll be the mom, and I'll be the... other mom who's slightly cooler.
I thought you were going to say "dad" there.
Let's not perpetuate stereotypes, shall we?
shakes head. Seriously, do you have any idea on how to raise a child? Especially when we both have day jobs?
Yeah, I'll just get Jinx to babysit.
...
What? She's great with kids.
... And how do you plan on being a role model with your current lifestyle?
I'll teach it how to build gauntlets and beat the crap out of bullies.
...
And you'll teach it how to snipe—
No.
coddles the child with her giant fists. Aw, aren't you a cutie? Wait until I raise you to be the best dunk master ever...
That reminds me, what are you going to name—
the baby starts crying
.
The next day in a League Match because retcons are stupid and I choose to substitute my own
Wtf noob jungler where's my gank?
Sorry, I thought I had crowd control not crybaby control.
Reported.
a bush rustles
Garen is ganking! I must ult now to secure my kill! shunpos
Wtf can't you see I'm changing my baby's diaper?
Wtf.
And this is why everyone else needs to buy wards. Oh hey, top lane is about to get a kill... ults
Okay that one better not be mine.
Omg noob mother you need to burp her. takes the baby and ults
baby burps
Okay thanks. Better than changing the diaper with these gauntlets.
How would you even...
These gauntlets are used to touching shit. You would know.
.
Welcome back, Vi. Would you like some dinner, a bath, or maybe even m—
I want this baby nerfed.
Wut.
Its cry is always on, its puke has a low-ass cooldown with huge damage, and it shit on the enemy team and got a pentakill when I was trying to escape.
Vi, I don't think that's how babies—
It's like that dumb mummy after cinderhulk came out.
Vi, I don't think...
Also, I'm going to name her Dunkey.
Her? Dunkey?
Yes, I've already hired our new nannies to take care of the baby and train her through her youth.
Wut.
Yo.
Sup.
...
Oh hey why don't you get your fuzzy cuffs.
Wait what why.
Mommy had a long day and mommy wants to have some fun. Here Darius, take my child and teach her the ways of dunking. You too, Yi.
You are a horrible influence on our child.
Our child? Glad you're finally getting it.
sighs. At least this couldn't get worst.
Also your dad heard about the baby out of wedlock. We're getting married this weekend. I'll get the Debonair outfit. Think we could wear our police uniforms and jump out of the cake for each other...?
sighs
Child falls and skins it's knee then retrieves a sledge hammer and attacks the pavement screaming "NOXUS!" 
sheds a tear of pride knowing he raised the child well,
raise them as a bounty hunter who uses a boomerang
(as reckless as he is) sleeps with so many women. Unknowingly, he had a child with one of the select. The woman knows who Malcolm Graves is and named the son Paul Alexander Maryweather (Graves); Maryweather is the mother's maiden name. When Paul finally turned 6, Nocturne had been created and started haunting dreams, and put Paul into a coma or deep sleep state. The mother stayed after, and looked over Paul for the next year, wearing herself down to the point where it affected her health. She eventually wrote down on a peace of paper her thoughts, everyday it would change. Eventually, 7 months later, Paul finally woke from his sleep.
His mother, now bed-ridden, Paul had to take care of her. He would tell her stories of his long dream, where he fought monsters and other enemies. Saved a princess, met good friends, and learned many things. He even told that he would always carry the toy yo-yo she gave him for his 6th birthday to defeat the enemies in his dream. It wasn't long though, until his mother eventually sent him off, with a letter, and a certain place he was told to go. His mother was later taken to a hospital; Paul has heard nothing since.
Paul met Malcolm at the foot of the doorstep, and following what his mother told him, he handed the letter to Graves. Stunned and taken back, he took the child in and told him his rules of the house. Paul followed each to his best and stayed out of his father's hair. He played with the yo-yo he was gifted for the 12 hours of his day. People around Bilgewater always looked Paul with wonder as he was able to perform feats with his yo-yo that were like magic. He was just like his father, able to hit a bullseye from 20 feet away with that toy.
Then, news came to Paul about his mother. She had died two nights prior. Her final words were, "I'm happy my child is safe, and I long to see him again..."
It was that day that a side of Paul no one thought possible had emerged. A darker, more evil side came to Bilgewater. He called himself Dillyain and began to terrorize the inhabitants. It was Graves who finally knocked him unconscious and took him home. The next day, he awoke unknowing of what he had done after the news of his mother.
(Dunkmaster) Likes to play ball with the kid. Kid grows up to enter Runeterra's version of the NBA.
(Arcade) Punishes kid for trying to use this version of her instrument on the XBOX One.
(Final Boss) "Dad? Who's this 'Captain N' guy who keeps coming after you?"
I picture this kid growing up to be like Hiccup from "How to Train Your Dragon".
Kid is too busy cuddling him like a plushie to let him raise the kid.
Perfects the child.
It can now take care of itself.
He went for chimes, but don't worry he will come back.....maybe
Child raises 
http://www.serebii.net/pokedex-xy/icon/074.png Da-da will you play with me?
Ok
http://www.serebii.net/pokedex-xy/icon/074.png Da-da let's play smash!
Smash!
http://www.serebii.net/pokedex-xy/icon/074.png Da-da come come come!
I'm moving as fast as I can
Gnar you are four years old. HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET A CHILD? "GNARKADA" Ok never mind that's not important. What are you going to do with him? "OO OO" Gnar you still have a babysitter how are you going to raise him? "Shubbanuffa" This child is going to die. Isn't he? "Okanoo" Yes I know Okanoo means family. "Okanoo Shagdovala!" And Okanoo means that no one gets left behind....
Puts the child in bed with no nightlight and sits there tells he or she
No worries ill be in your dreams until you wake up,
lays child down at the top of a large tree overlooking the stars and sings them to sleep with his melodious voice
You need a snack, hm? points to nearby duck
Scream at it until it becomes food
I won't let you have the early game I had. We are going to get you stacking early on and no bullies are going to stop you
I love threads like these
'Come, child. I shall show you the glories of Shurima.' He then takes the child under his wing and raise him as his heir, teaching him how to be a good ruler and how to win the hearts of people. When the child is fully grown and capable, Azir will step aside and have the now-adult heir rule, proud that his legacy and more importantly, the legacy of Shurima will live on.
Upon discovering that he can neither kill nor rid himself of this useless deadweight, Talon raises the child to be excellent and thieving and running. Training him as a pseudo-apprentice, he has the child constantly run as distractions and bait, using him on nigh-suicide missions while he takes care of business. The child learns swiftly, both from his teachings and careful observation, becoming and despising his 'father.' One day, when the child is fully grown, he attempts to take out Talon who counters, ensuing a duel of assassins. The child, who has learned and watched every trick and tactic of Talon's, takes him down. Talon, however, feels no anger nor remorse, but almost joyfully accepts that the child learned well, has become stronger than him, and he deserves this fate. The child then turns his back on the dead Talon, and becomes the most feared assassin in Runeterra, just like his father.
How'd I do?
Teaches his child how to "Consume and adapt". He is preparing his son for the ultimate showdown with rengar.
This whole... living thing is... highly overrated.
That or he would be the most metal father ever.
lullaby concerts.
crushed grass, instructions unclear
Child starts crying...
QUIET!
"Screaming won't do you any good, but it's music to my ears."
Viciously trains his son to defeat the Batman.
: Now that's a parent you don't wanna piss off at a parent-teacher meeting
I feel like it'd be a pretty normal thing, considering that zac was raised in a loving human family and probably understands normal expectations of child care. I guess it depends on the age of the child though, If we are still counting the child's age in terms of months, then zac might have some problems...
He would age the child to an age at which it can take care of itself.
Would protect and care for the child, but would keep him secreted away.
The ghouls would be the childs caretakers while Yorick was away digging graves.
I can almost see a tv show coming out of the Yorick one. Red ghoul is the grumpy one. Green one is the worry wart that gets abused. Blue one is the only competent one. :P
Will teach him that betrayers are the worst, after couple days she will teach him the to martial pose and how to throw endless spears into somebody...
Everything on him is perfect so his child must be too..
That child will learn all the bad blood puns in the planet....
Will fight endlessly 
to recover his daughter and then rise her to defeat alongside him the void and all its creatures..
Will teach the child how she became the most famous internet meme of League of Legends history...
The child will learn how to get drunk and kill people at young age...
Finds a baby in the backstreets of zaun, abandoned in the middle of the pavestones in a box, with no possessions except for a letter and a strange looking device. He looks around for the owner 15 times before realizing, whoever had left the baby there, was long gone. On his way to his hideout he is surprised to see someone already waiting for him.
The dark figure lifted up his hat and said "Hello Ekko"
So the time has finally come. he replied
What a fateful day, i agree. It seems as if so many more years have passed, since i last saw you.
Why are you here.
For the same reason you are here.
No, Really.
There's been an accident, Someone messed with the Z-drive prototype from 12 years ago. The timestream has split since that moment and your Z-drive is the key to fixing it.
Why now? who messed with it?
We don't know yet, ekko, but I only have a limited time to talk to you, i'm just a remnant of a different timestream. Give me the child. there will be a Time and a Place when i next see you, and at that moment in time the two streams will come together again.
(i know i'm bad at making up stories, and especially in putting them into words, but i tried :) The main point was that if ekko had to raise a child it'd be him from the past, exactly like "meet the robinsons" and that the guy in the dark suit who raised him taught him how to manipulate the timestream from the Z-drive prototype in the box he was left in as a child.)
seems like a badass dad. Just look at how he handles poros.
"Perhaps I should educate this pupil into becoming one of my finest students."
"Hmm. . . I am intrigued to raise this child. My experience has giving me these intense emotions the more I learn about the youngling. For some reason, I do not wish to stop experiencing these emotions. Perhaps it's my need of further research. . . or something more interesting. . ."
"Come on little guy, we're having an adventure! You know. . . you kinda look like me. . . and Lux. . . wait a minute. . ."
"Veigar, look! It's our new baby."
"What? What is this? You send me a child?"
"Isn't it cute? I'll be the mother and you be the father."
"Me? The father? There is no way I can-"
[Thinks of how to raise the child]
"Hold that thought. . ."
"So that's a-
"Yes. . . MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!"
"Great! I'll name him, Veigar Junior."
"Junior. . . my successor. At last. . ."
: honestly, no Idea.
: She is a child, what.