The Untold Story of Blitzcrank, a Board Epic
http://cdn.cultofandroid.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/Front_Blitz_Poro-300x300.jpg Blitzcrank had grown old. He didn't age like fleshlings did, but he felt old. Once, long ago, he was a golden golem with a heart of gold, spry and full of well-meaning sympathy. Now, his gold was red with rust and his joints creaked. His rocket grab, so well-worn, isn't what it used to be; now it misfires or falls short or refuses to retract back into its arm. The lights of his eyes were dimmer now, flickering in and out, relying on reserve power. Where did this descent begin, this neglect? Well, if you can coerce it out of his closest friends, it started on August 20th, 2015 . . .
As summer was giving way to fall, Blitz had attracted a following of poros. He found their fuzzy exteriors and innocent demeanors endearing, and sat down to read to them a story from his "childhood". As he remembers it, his creator read it to him when testing to see if Blitz was truly sentient. It was about a lonely craftsman who made a son from he crafted, who embarks to become a real person. It was a favorite of Blitzcrank's, though his memories of that early period of his life are still a bit fuzzy. As he read, a wayward poro had attracted the attention of the Rift's cruelest predator: Baron Nashor. The poro failed to realize when that monster's jaws unhinged, but before the beast could devour it, Blitz pulled it away with his Rocket Grab. The poros cheered to see their friend uneaten, but Baron wasn't as thrilled. Hunger got what hunger wanted. With a primal roar, he raced toward Blitzcrank, and the poros scattered before them to the four corners of Valoran.
At first, Blitzcrank thought it'd be easy to rescue the now-stampeding poros and defeat Baron Bashor. But ten "fellow" champions, whom Blitz once trusted, had allowed malice into their hearts and aligned themselves with the vile Baron, all for their own reasons.
Singed, a fellow veteran of the League, cared little that he filled the poro's lungs with his foul miasmas; it amused him.
Jinx, an ADC whom Blitz had carried on occasion, was rapacious and blind, blind to the lives of those she cared only to populate her destructive fantasies.
Lulu, a bubbly if whimsical witch-girl, had turned her back on the Codex Auxilium, the unanimously-recognized sacred text of the undervalued Support role, the one guiding light in a black sea of ignorance, vanity and general incompetence, and donned a robe of wickedest red and black with the intention of violating the Codex's most sacred law: Thou shalt not carry as an ADC carries.
Lissandra, the Ice Witch of the Freljord. As cold and methodical as death itself, with, she wanted to snuff the warmth out of every living thing in Valoran. Personally, Blitzcrank isn't that warm to begin with, but eternal winter did horrible things to his liquids and joints.
Veigar, a tiny and ill-tempered mage, as per usual tried to convince Blitzcrank of his "malevolence" and that he was indeed a true force of evil. Little did the yordle realize how convincing he would be, when Blitzcrank witnessed him making the poros of Bandle City fat and sluggish, and thus easy prey for Baron. In his time as a champion, Blitzcrank had seen many conflicting values and morals, yet nothing had struck him as so intensely wrong. This went beyond good and evil, and delved straight into what is cosmically right and wrong. Veigar could wish to be seen as evil, but Blitzcrank knew if shown in a mirror, Veigar would be horror-struck by what he had become.
Gangplank, the self-appointed pirate king of Bilgewater, only sided with Baron for the purpose of bloating the beast, for once he embarked to hunt the Baron himself, the beast would be ever larger and thus ever more impressive a prize to haul back to Bilgewater, home of monster-hunters and sea-serpent slayers.
Twitch, Blitzcrank pitied yet also scorned. He only joined when the poros entered his domain, while Blitzcrank being the sole subject of his wrath. Blitz knew Twitch as territorial, and so bore no malice toward him when he battled him. Yet later, Twitch reappeared at the Baron's side, having deemed the poros his property, despite not displaying an interest in them previously.
Vel'Koz, an inquisitive soul, had become engrossed with analyzing poros. Blitzcrank ordinarily wouldn't mind someone learning more about the fuzzy balls of joy, but Vel'Koz wanted to dissect them at his leisure, to learn what made them so adorable. It was there Blitz had to draw the line –some things can never be explained, like the time Vel'Koz tried to disintegrate a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Some things are not meant to be known.
Annie, the sweet summer child, played childish games that only impeded Blitzcrank's progress. Like a child, unwitting of the lives they consequently doom, clinging to their parent's leg when they've been called in for an emergency. Lives were at stake; what time did Blitz have for games?
Katarina only saw the poros as mere animals, but they were so much greater! Plus, he hated her for all the times she wiped his team at work with a single "R".
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Against them all, Blitz was only one bot. He could not fight a war on multiple fronts, so he enlisted the aid of like-minded supports who understand what it means to pull or not to pull: Chain Warden Thresh and Titan of the Depths Nautilus. Even then, they were only three, spec'd as supports nonetheless, against a whole match of champions and Baron. But every other champion turned a blind eye to their plight. They would have to make do.
Blitzcrank used his life's savings, roughly a million gold pieces, to outfit his crew, purchasing state-of-the-art items and calling in favors from Bard to cross the myriad planes of reality and bring forth versions of themselves from alternate timelines and universes. Each company member brought their own tastes in equipment and style. A good number of them were quick, others could grab multiple poros in a single instance, while some could ignore a magically-enchanted poro's qualities entirely.
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The prepared company set out, tackling their fallen comrades and deftly evading their attacks, one and all. Supports they may be, some managed to score multi-kills. Double kills and triple kills, quadras and even pentas ringed out across Valoran. Each company member bested Baron at some point, liberating yet more poros from his bowels. Some managed to save literally hundreds of poros before running out of steam; one reputed that he saved no less than six hundred poros before being overtaken and required rescue. Another braved the heart of the storm, trudging straight into where the poro herd was at its thickest and most diverse, saving exactly two hundred poros before he fell off the grid and was rescued later from Baron. Most of the company was relentless, evading all attempts to slow them, and had the mind to save special items they could use later in a pinch. Some shot true, carefully avoiding some magically-altered poro's more noisome qualities or ignoring all other distractions, even when beset with an army of loitering minions. Other company members… well, they embraced their more, erm, pugilistic needs and racked up the CS. One particular member, an Alternate Universe Blitzcrank who instead came from Piltover, took great delight in pummeling the terror of his hometown, Jinx. A rare few company members returned hauling loads of gold, "plundered" from poros whom they rescued in Bilgewater, who as it turned out stole from the actual pirates. The company was even graced with the presence of Braum, the original Savior of Poros, who was mostly preoccupied with returning the Poros the company rescued to their home. Whenever the company saw a poro with a distinct knotted moustache, they knew the Heart of the Freljord had lent a hand.
Many wondrous sights too were seen in their grand campaign. The company explored Valoran like they never had before, visiting places they had only heard of from their fellow champions. Those who wore the Guardian Angel, when first bested, discovered the existence of a winged angel poro. The company took this as a sign of providence, and continued with their efforts redoubled. It was during that time that the company got their cardio cut out for them. Running cross-continent is no easy task, even for a tireless automaton! The poros got a work-out too; especially the fat ones, whom some company members encouraged to burn away the fat magics of Veigar. Some company members were treated a ghastly sight, bringing back tales of ethereal poros, looking like a procession of ghosts to the world.
Thousands of poros were saved. Blitzcrank never felt more proud than when the company had rescued their ten-thousandth poro. Finally, he had found a team he could not only support, but one he was wholly committed to, a team that understood each other's plights in the Rift.
But calamity soon struck, indeed the darkest moment of the company's short-but-proud history. Soon after Nautilus completed his campaign, another champion sought to join the company. Everyone in the company knew who he was. He was one of the privileged elite who are buffed in time for Worlds: the ADC named Corki. From the onset, something about Corki worried Blitzcrank. Corki couldn't pull anyone, and had previously ignored his plea for help. Why did he want to help now? Because he heard the company's success and wanted to take credit for it all, as ADCs often did?
When time came for Corki to demonstrate what he offered to the company, nothing could've prepared Blitzcrank for it. Corki had shed himself of his formidable ROFLcopter, he strode the earth like a common mortal; and atop his back, sat a soul Blitz had long since dead: Urf. Corki could barely move with the massive manatee atop his back, though he persevered. Immediately, there was dissent among the company. Even Nautilus expressed his concern, though he himself was a husky champ. But Blitzcrank allowed Corki to at least try. Blitz now rues his decision. In a moment of appalling betrayal and horror, Urf used his spatula to flip the poros TO BARON. One, two, three, four, five poros were devoured in the blink of an eye. Corki or Urf, or whoever was in command actually FED Baron. And for this savory betrayal, Baron Nashor bestowed upon Corki his favor and the title of "Hand of Baron". Permanently empowered with Baron buff, the company could not stand before the deceiver and all ten of his now empowered subordinates. With the company Aced, Corki spearheaded an assault on the company's Nexus at Braum's home and destroyed it, allowing Baron to devour the terrified poros at his leisure.
The company lost all hope, and was fifty gold pieces shorter. It became apparent now that their cause was a hopeless one; no matter how many times they struck down Baron, he just respawned seven minutes later. A gloom settled over the wrecked base. Company members slinked off, one-by-one or in pairs, back to Bard to return to their respective universes. The items were pawned off to pay for the damages. Thresh and Nautilus returned to their work at the League, but they talked only with Blitz sparingly. A longing look, a mutual nod, but few words. Blitzcrank himself rarely came to work. Enough for the Summoners not to notice, but he wasn't as lively. Grabs had lost their savor; even a fed and happy ADC couldn't cheer him up. He neglected his body, letting rust form over his brilliant golden plating and letting his parts to seize. Which now leads us to the beginning of the story . . .
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Blitzcrank was resting in a junkyard, in his dystopian hometown of Zaun. It didn't have a specific name, but everyone seemed to agree to dump their metal there. To the right person, it was a wonderland of salvageable scraps. But for Blitz, it was the place he saw fit to park his aft. As he was powering down, he heard someone climbing through the garbage.
Hello, Viktor.
Blitzcrank. What happened to you?
Fell out of meta.
You and I both know that's a lie. Tell me the truth.
I've been rusting.
Tell me the cause; the effect is blatant.
I failed, Viktor. My team needed me, and I let them down.
Is this about the time you grabbed Amumu into our team.
No. The Poro Incident.
I see.
Why are you here?
It pains me to see you like this.
Why would you care? You didn't help during the fact.
I'm sorry, Blitzcrank. I was sequestered in my laboratory, cleaning up after Jayce ransacked the place.
I sent you a letter.
Yes. However, the fire prevention system combusted and I lost most of my paper documents.
Okay.
... Blitz, I sympathize with you. I know how it feels to have your life's work be for naught.
... How so?
My greatest creation was stolen from me before its time. I hoped to unveil it myself and watch it change the world, but I can only do the latter now.
...
Do you like the story of Pinocchio?
How do yo...?
Answer me.
Yes.
Hmm. And what do you remember of its lessons?
Do the right thing?
You have to be brave and truthful and unselfish. During the Poro Incident, you proved yourself all these things and more. That's why it pains me to see you here, rusting among the garbage. You have a heart of gold in that carapace of steel. I would know.
And?
Are you going to let those poros stay in Baron Nashor's bowels?
No, I... I just... I failed them.
We all fail, Blitzcrank. To be sentient is to err.
... What should I do?
Make the climb. Defeat Baron, one last time.
What's the point?
The point is that the Summoners want to help you, Blitz. They'll continue the fight.
What?
They were inspired by you. Over the past few months, they've been interviewing Nautilus and Thresh and have just finished chronicling your company's exploits during the Poro Incident into an interactive format. They're raising funds to keep the poros from Baron Nashor.
Why did no one tell me?
We did tell you. You were deep in your petrol cans.
I can't believe this… so if I fight Baron, the Summoners will keep fighting Baron?
Essentially. The proceeds will go towards keeping more poros from being eaten by Baron; that's why you need to beat him one last time. Free the poros, Blitz, and the Summoners will stop him from getting a single more poro.
…
I'm on my way.
Blitzcrank, before you go.
Yes?
…
I'm proud of you.
Thank you for the compliment.
(Blitzcrank leaves)
Prouder than you know…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v9kW4A16es
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And so, Blitzcrank returned to Summoner's Rift and roused Baron from his slumber. The battle that ensued is spoken by the other champions only in reverent whispers. They say Blitzcrank solo'd Baron without a single item. All observant hearts grew still when Baron seemingly devoured Blitz with only some hundred health left; but Blitzcrank ult'd his way out, destroying the Baron in a literally-electrifying explosive finale. They say the poros spewed from Baron's decapitated form in a high-pressure stream, so backed-up were they in his bowels. A Support had done this, where all other champions even at work had failed. And Viktor spoke truly; the Summoners had indeed raised enough gold to found a poro protection program under senior summoner Phreak, named "Players Undoing Nashor's Salacity".
Blitzcrank was hailed as a champion among champions, and the celebration thrown in his honor? None would miss it. Well, except Tahm Kench; Twisted Fate had a mind not to invite him. And Blitzcrank's gotten back to it, buffing out the dents he didn't before bother to fix, oiling up the joints that were creaking, and grabbing fools like there's no tomorrow. He even found it in his furnace of a heart to forgive those people who sided with Baron, all of whom made amends after seeing how badly it tore Blitz up. They all realized, on the Fields of Justice, if Blitzcrank ended up on their team, why ever would he want to support them? Blitzcrank doesn't mind anymore. Besides, he could always pull them to oblivion if they ended up on the opposite team!
Herein concludes The Untold Story of Blitzcrank, a Board Epic. http://cdn.cultofandroid.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/Front_Blitz_Poro-300x300.jpg
Thanks for reading. So basically, I finished Blitzcrank's Poro Roundup 100% this morning, and in doing so unlocked Rusty Blitzcrank, and wanted to write a story about it. I strung together everything there is to this game into a story format; including pretty much every achievement in the game, either as a unique escapade or a overarching reference. I hope you enjoyed this long-ass read, I know I did. What was your favorite part? Post in the comments.
Please post more whenever you feel of the mind to!
T.T 
