So I Had This Nightmare, Patch 5.12 (Satire)

-Zed

People are starting to doubt Zed's "fire-and-forget" policy and his popularity in LCS is on the decline. Our number one goal as the balance team is diversity, so we're going to do what we can to return him to his throne of sick clicks. Additionally, Zed should have also been compensated for the attack speed nerf from a while back and the fix never went live. We're sorry.

Attack Speed - Now fixed at 3.0 attacks per second at all levels

Health - Now immortal and immune to all CC

Move Speed - Now blinks to the location of any movement command

Attack Damage - Fixed at infinity

Ability Power - fixed at infinity

-Contempt for the Weak-

Sick Click Bro - Instantly kills any champion that is not Zed on hit

-Death Mark-

GG EZ - Upon activation the enemy nexus explodes. Also, any non-Zed player is disconnected, permanently banned from League of Legends, an assassination is ordered on those players and all living members of their family, a meteor is aimed at their house, they become infected with swine flu, bird flu, ebola, leprosy, and small pox, a curse is placed on their village, they grow taste buds on every section of their digestive tract and their eyes, all of their financial information is given to a Nigerian prince, and lastly, they spontaneously have "GG EZ" tattooed on their forehead.

-Kog'Maw

Kog'Maw has never had his time in the spotlight, but he has spent quite a bit of time in the underground ring. We've had two Zed players actually die from an up and coming AP dps build on Koggles that Zed cannot counter. To add some counterplay before this situation gets out of hand, we're going to make a few tweaks to Kog. As much as the balance team loves diversity, AP Kog's higher damage output is unintended and reportable.

-Icathian Surprise-

Armor Piercing Carcass? Why? - Damage type changed from true to physical. Damage reduced to 5 at all levels.

-Caustic Spittle-

No More Coughing Up a Burst - No longer reduces magic resist or armor

Spitballs are Nonlethal - No longer deals any damage

-Bio-Arcane Barrage-

IT'S FOLLOWING ME! - Activating this ability turns auto attacks into colliding skillshots with 100 fixed range that fire whichever way Kog'Maw is facing.

Same Bullet, Bigger Holes? - No longer scales with anything. Base damage changed from 2%/3%/4%/5%/6% of max health to 1/2/3/4/4 flat damage.

No Free Rides - Now has a 100 mana cost at all levels

-Void Ooze-

Vomit Wizard? - No longer scales with AP. Now it scales with movement speed at a .2 ratio and caps at 3 additional damage.

Less Bile, More Sense - range reduced to 100 units

-Living Artillery-

We're Sorry Zed - ability removed

-Yasuo

Just a quick fix with Yas. We noticed that there was an issue with Braum's ability, Unbreakable, and Yasuo's Wind Wall. Both function nearly identically, but Yasuo's Wind Wall was superior in nearly every way. Besides not being able to be moved and not blocking melee damage, it can totally absorb all projectiles along with their CC. It's not thematic for a mobile super-fighter to be able to block more damage than the mustached tank.

-Wind Wall-

Sorry Braum - Now disconnects all enemy ranged champion players from the game. All allied turrets also become invulnerable.

-Braum

This is just the follow-up to the Yasuo change.

Braum - Removed from the game

-Ekko

Simply put, Ekko minimalizes what little counter play he has with loads of unnecessary abilities and unjustified numbers. We're gonna try reeling his numbers back just a little to see if we can make playing against him not seem like wasted time.

Ekko - upon locking Ekko in champion select the game immediately ends and a victory is credited to your account, unless there is a Zed. In which case your division level becomes permanently locked at bronze VI.

-Sion

Sion is the crown jewel of the rework development team and solely marks the golden age of champion reworks. In this patch, we would like to give Sion a tiny bug fix tune up to keep his quality of life flawless.

Sion - Removed from the game

-Riven

Players have complained that Riven's hidden power in animation cancelling is making her a very cumbersome opponent. We have to agree. The animation cancelling is unintended and gives Riven power that the development team did not allot to her. However, the easiest way to deal with this situation is to just approach it as a regular bug fix.

Riven - No longer has attack animations of any sort

-Cassiopeia

Our last wave of nerfs for Cassiopeia were somewhat unjustified. We're not going to totally revert her rework just yet, but we are going to make sure that experienced Cassiopeias are not punished with such a poor power curve.

-Aspect of the Serpent-

It Will Separate the Good Cassiopeias From the Great - Cassiopeia now requires 50 stacks of Aspect of the Serpent to leave the fountain

And then I woke up in a cold sweat...