How to: Be USEFUL while being USELESS

So! You load into the game and you realize that your little brother is currently downloading 2 terabytes of porn, so you're playing with 1000ms ping and literally can't do anything. Today I'm going to teach you how you can be useful when you have massive connection issues, are unable to teamfight properly, or for some other reason can't come within 1500 units of any enemy team member without dying.

This is possible with any champion.

Requirements: The rest of your team is doing decently and can carry you if you give them a bit of help.

Step 1: Buy and place those wards. Also buy 2 and place one in a semi-defensive position. The other is for later when it gets killed or you're able to advance. shall be the boots of your choice, you're never supposed to be in combat.

With this item you're going to light up a corner of the map and then hide under tower until you hit level 9. You need level 9 in order to REALLY be useful.

Step 2: Get and spam this thing on CD. You're not going to be CSing, you're just going to be staring at the map and your cooldowns and lighting up the map.

By constantly looking at the map and trying to obtain complete vision control, you'll also take note of where enemies are roughly, where they have pink wards, and where they have farsight wards. Ping enemies for your allies, and when there's an opening run in and kill those wards. See an enemy, just run. The last thing you want to do is die and be a further disadvantage for your team.

Step 3: Spooky ghosts will be your friends from now on. If you see an enemy come close, press this and run away. Use this when your allies are teamfighting to safely assist them from a distance, and possibly grab some gold along the way. Can also be used to catch enemies out for your allies.

Right about now you can upgrade your sightstone. 3 wards is too little, you need to spam that thing.

Step 4: By now a bunch of towers have fallen and you can upgrade yourself to wave commander on top of vision overlord. Get and . Look at the timers for dragon and baron. If dragon is down, put the portal and the banner down bot lane so that your team can fight at baron. If they're pushing mid, put these down to help. If there's a dragon fight coming, stick them top lane.

Has your team not carried you to victory yet?

Step 5: Get the captain enchant and . Mark your ADC and stand behind him at all times to give him a speedboost when kiting backwards. That's about all the peel you can provide with 1000 ping.

Congratulations! You have now played a game pretty much AFK, while being MUCH more useful than an AFK. This tactic is also applicable if you're too pissed off at the flame of your teammates to join them in battle. Proof of concept: http://matchhistory.euw.leagueoflegends.com/en/#match-details/EUW1/2411141791/204101764

In other news: Internet why do you hate me so...