If I buy hydra on a ranged champion.

You still get the damage, lifesteal, and regen that Hydra gives. That being said, it basically becomes a worse Bloodthirster.

Rito breaks through your window and steals your computer. And wallet.

Your team mates flame you for buying a weapon that says "melee only" on it.

But in all seriousness, are the lifesteal/AD stats effected, or just the passive?

you get reported.