inability to progress and deep depression/anger

Rueian··5 votes·2,976 views

I am in most cases a stereotypical rager. I have generally low morale and little trust in the random people I end up with. I find it hard to learn much concretely from each match, both in gameplay and emotionally. I have few friends and none that I play with.

I can not help but snap at people or give up once a large margin of lead is gained by the enemy, I can't hold my cool in losing situations as I feel helpless and with the lack of trust I feel the game is lost if I am not doing well.

I have other outside of game personal problems with self-esteem and such but generally have it under control except when in league. I've been playing since beta, dropped lots of money on this game, and do not want to quit or be banned. But I have no progress and can't enjoy or focus on the game with all this emotional stress that comes with playing. I want to be good, but 4 years and barely gold is embarrassing and ultimately disappointing. I don't know what to do with my self.

After pouring so much time into this game I find no happiness not only here, but everywhere now. I'm just disappointed in every aspect of my life. I know this post will be kinda rambling, scattered, and incoherent, but I am at wits end with my life.

League makes me question everything about myself, and being constantly punished has convinced me I am a terrible person, when all I have is a bit of rage or pessimistic view.

I don't know... Why am I even here.

85 Comments

Karcist4 votes

You've allowed league to become your primary means of maintaining your self esteem. That's why your emotions regarding your performance are pervading into other areas in your life. You mentioned that you self esteem issues, you probably rely on league to maintain most of the self esteem that you do have. My suggestion is to try out new hobbies to root your self esteem into like: art, weightlifting, sports, or even another game. You'll find that your league performance will mean less to you as you develop skills in other areas.

Rueian1 votes

Trust me, I try that. I'm terrible at art, out of shape and unable to work out really. most hobbies cost too much to start. I cant think of anything...

Godhri5 votes

That is because you think too much. The problem isn't that you don't have something. The problem is that you are thinking too much about having something. Just do something.

Go take a walk. Think about it while you are on the toilet (some of the best ideas come from toilet time).

Depression and lack of/depleting self esteem comes from too much idle thinking. You need to keep yourself busy by building yourself up into what you want to be ideally. Think of the ideal image you want to achieve then create a reasonable version of it and then work towards that. It won't be fast and it will likely take years, probably decade(s).

Rueian1 votes

i dont have that kind of time anymore. with work taking up the vast majority of my time and the crippling depression taking up the other portion of it. Hell i can barely even work now because i'm so distracted by being depressed.

I dedicate more than 12 hours a day to work to include preparing for work and transportation. I don't know what to do with my last couple hours of the day but sit and do nothing, or try to play a couple games. My weekends always seem to just vanish with me just doing nothing for half the day paralyzed by depression and just fear of failure.

I cant handle failure, big or small, anymore. my emotions are so intense i suffer physical pain (not self inflicted, i'm not cutting, just chest pain) and find myself saying a lot of very dangerous things. (i wont ever commit suicide, but things get very intense when i'm upset)

Godhri4 votes

If you have the time to sit and ponder, you have the time to get your behind up and do something. This is something only you can do for yourself. You only fear failure because you believe it to be a negative experience, but it isn't. The most meaningful progress you can make in life is to learn how to overcome your failures. It is worth the effort. I'm not saying you can't feel bad for failing because you probably will, but that doesn't mean you can't turn it in to a future success by working at improving yourself. Once you overcome a failure, you will realize how positive and meaningful failures really are.

Trust me. I am similar, not the same, but similar. I learned that overcoming my failures was very satisfying and I learned to appreciate failures.

Hlud072 votes

I respectfully disagree. I am successful in my profession, among other areas, and have recently picked league back up for entertainment purposes. Spending time on games where it feels like i can not control the outcome of the game sucks. If this was uncommon, sure, i can easily shrug it off. But it feels like each game requires me to ask: Do i have the feeders/afks/trolls or does my enemy have them? It's starting to remind me why i quit in the first place. Why am i spending time on entertainment, when such few games actually entertain?

Sarutobi3 votes

I think you should seek professional help if a game is making you like this! So you arent Gold. i dont see how its disappointing, or embarrassing unless you need that rank for something in your life! If thats the case try getting better at the game? just because you are playing the game doesnt matter how long, you need to learn how to improve. Everyone does! Not only that but if you cannot be civilized in an environment of randoms (eg SoloQ) i would think you should try to find friends to play with, or at least make a group of people to play with since it seems you cannot work with random people.

Rueian1 votes

I cant make friends in game, and i really don't have anyone to play with. I have a bunch of people on my list, but they are either out of my skill level (both above and below). And i barely can keep my cool. I have bad experiences with professionals and even if i wanted to right now, i do not have the means (money, time, transpiration)

being civilized is hard when i go into games with such a low morale and little trust in my random team mates. I cant stop myself from talking, either be it "GG, its over, lets surrender" or me nitpicking people's play.

The game just reminds me that my life isn't progressing either, no matter what i put time into, I always hit a wall early in my learning process, and am currently lacking any motivation.

CrankyChipmonk2 votes

"no matter what i put time into, I always hit a wall early in my learning process"

Duh man that's how life works.

You just gotta make your goals smaller. Don't add a mile to your run, just go one step past the tree you stopped at last time. Then one step past that.

You don't just miraculously break through walls like you do in movies or shows, you just slowly dig a tunnel through the solid mass of rock in front of you that you mistook for a wall.

SUPER CLICHE TIME:

The grand canyon man, the stream of water that was inferior to the Mississippi river is today created a huge impact on the world not by sheer greatness, but by slowly eroding the rock. You would likely not even notice the progress it happened in such small steps, but the end result is there.

Or the parable of the frog, if you drop a frog into boiling water it will hop out, but if you drop it into wamr water that very slowly gets hotter and hotter he will sit there till he dies. If you slowly improve as something, you will one day wake up and realize "holy shit I've come a long way" but if you set your standards high you'll hop out and say "I cant handle this".

CrankyChipmonk1 votes

It's better to have 10 goals of one step forward, than it is to have one goal of 10 steps forward.

You will succeed 10 times, moving 4 steps forward on the fourth day will be a success not a failure, and you will still eventually reach the 10 step goal.

Rueian1 votes

I've been playing this game for 4 years... i'm only gold 5... not even placed this season.
I've been working on my emotional issues for years, and it goes no where. Professional help has been useless, and all i get from this community is being called toxic, or constant pre-written or off topic responses from support. I dont have any direction anymore with all this failure surrounding me.

CrankyChipmonk1 votes

Ok.

Gold 5 is still better than well over half of the playerbase. It's like the top 30% or something.

You dont have to have a direction that's what I'm saying. Just set a random small goal. Like I said one of the biggest things that helped me get out of depression was carving a wooden penis. Pick a thing and focus on it, how much direction do you think birds have in their lives?

The 10 small goals instead of 1 big goal is a method for reducing the perceived failure in your life. It will literally give you 10 small successes and reduce total failure if you just set your immediate goals lower. You can even keep the eventual goal, but baby steps is the only way to succeed. Success doesn't just happen.

Rueian1 votes

4 years... i shouldn't be just gold 5 Silver is spoon fed to the community.

Bronze, silver and low gold mean nothing since the removal of visible Elo, and the new tier/division system. I want to be proud of what i do, i dont want small steps. I've been working hard on stuff my whole life and have nothing to show for it.

Godhri1 votes

Well man. You got our moral support. Keep at it. It just takes longer for some of us. You don't have nothing to show for it. You made it to Gold did you not? Life works in small steps whether you want it to or not. This is a fact of life you must deal with.

Rueian1 votes

its empty, i want something with meaning.

Godhri2 votes

Well, no one can make something meaningful to you. You have to define what is meaningful for yourself. Often times this comes from what others perceive as meaningful but it doesn't have to. You can be self sufficient. Start doing things with the perspective that you are doing it for yourself and not to impress others.

CrankyChipmonk2 votes

If you want something with meaning then League rank is not the thing to focus on as it literally has no meaning whatever even if you become challenger.

What you want some grand elite purpose? First you need to define what something with meaning is, you cant just have this vague idea that nothing you do means anything unless you can define what doing something with meaning would entail.

Who lives a life of meaning? Either find those people and figure out what meaning is for you, or find they don't exist and figure out how they live happy lives anyway.

Tsugaga2 votes

You need to relax and realize that things like games aren't worth the least bit of stress, it's seriously just a video game. You lose a game and what happens, you lose some LP, get less IP, and gain a loss? Some stupid stats in a video game are meaningless. Yeah it's nice to win and gain LP and rise through tiers, and that's the goal of the game, but the purpose of the game is for fun and enjoyment.

The best way to rage less in game is to relax yourself before the game and think about how you want to act. Think "I'm going to focus on my own mistakes, ignore negative comments, and try to have a supportive attitude", then follow through with that. If you're not reminding yourself this before every game then you're going to act how you usually do without thinking. After so many games your behavior will start to improve, and your gameplay. Say "GJ" when your team makes good plays, and don't say anything negative on bad plays, a player knows if he messes up so there's no need to say it in chat. Stay focused on the game, not the chat, ongoing conversations and arguing is worse than an AFK/feeder, it seriously is.

If you want to get better, the first step is to relax and follow what I said above. Once relaxed, focus 100% on every little thing that you're doing wrong and what you could be doing better. Maybe you're not last hitting good enough, maybe you didn't use your trinket enough while off cooldown, maybe you didn't pay attention to the minimap while you got ganked or your jungler got invaded, maybe you could watch the minimap and use pings to help your unaware teammates see the incoming gank, etc. It doesn't matter if your 4 teammates fed all game, you probably couldn't have changed the outcome, but you surely could have done something better, and when you realize what you can do better you can apply it to the next game. You're playing to make yourself a better player, not your teammates, so don't focus on what they're doing wrong.

As for your general attitude outside of League, I can understand you. The first thing you need to is realize what's important in life and what's not. Are games worth any stress? No. Is what immature people have to say worth any stress? No. Important things are your health, family, and friends. Nothing will change in your life or get better if you don't make it happen, don't sit around expecting your life to just change automatically.

This is something that helped me out, and I repeat it daily, regardless if you're religious or not, the main point is to understand and change your attitude and perspective of life. "May God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Basically you have to understand what is out of your control and have peace of mind that it is what it is, and you have to understand that nothing in your life will change unless you take action and do what you have to in order to get where you want to be.

Relax, enjoy League, enjoy life.

Rueian1 votes

I'm not going to argue against the first 3 paragraphs, but the stress comes from not only failure in league, but in everything. I put so much time into everything that i try to do, and i feel like i never make any progress. School has gone nowhere, i have been working shit jobs, everything has become a competition and i'm just failing to compete even when i think i'm giving it my all. I just have nothing that makes me feel good about myself right now and it makes me very pessimistic (depressed, angry)

I cant enjoy anything :/

Tsugaga2 votes

{quoted}

I'm not going to argue against the first 3 paragraphs, but the stress comes from not only failure in league, but in everything. I put so much time into everything that i try to do, and i feel like i never make any progress. School has gone nowhere, i have been working shit jobs, everything has become a competition and i'm just failing to compete even when i think i'm giving it my all. I just have nothing that makes me feel good about myself right now and it makes me very pessimistic (depressed, angry)

I cant enjoy anything :/

You need goals first, don't just wander around the mouse maze of life hoping to run into the magical cheese. You need to think about what you want to do with your life, figure out how to get there, and then start working towards it. School is just dumb, humans could be far more advanced if people didn't run schools like idiots. You need to understand what knowledge you really need and focus on that, taking the proper classes. A job is a job, doesn't matter if you're flipping burgers or shoveling poop at the zoo, you're getting paid. This is temporary while you work through school. You don't have to compete against anyone, nobody is in your way of working hard at a temp job and studying your way through school. You can become happy and make your life better, just understand what you want and how to get it.

I used to be somewhat pessimistic, but I don't like to be selfish or ungrateful. I think about how many people may not have games to enjoy like me, food to eat, clean water, a nice bed, etc. I've had hard times in my life, but I never feel like it's fair for me to be sad about anything when my life is heaven compared to some people's lives.

CrankyChipmonk2 votes

First of all barely gold is still pretty good compared the the total population that plays this game. Sure you'll never be pro but were you trying to be pro?

Fuck it man just have fun. It's not like your future spouse will be like "well i WOULD love you but you aren't really amazing at the video game, just decent."

Honestly no one gives a shit but youngsters who don't have anything else to strive for in life.

If "youngsters who don't have anything else to strive for in life" describes you, then just think about things you'd like to try and just try. I made maple syrup once because I didnt know what else to do with myself. It came out awful but it was something to work at for the time I was doing it.

I whittled a small wooden penis while smoking pot for about 2 months of severe depression and that helped me to keep my mind occupied and just have a goal. (to finish the penis)

You can say you have no talent or something like that but I don't either. It's not about being the best at something, it's about having a reasonable goal and a direction to move your efforts.

If you wanna apply this to league (but it really sounds like you'd be happier trying other things as well as league) then pick some small aspect of your play and set a goal and just focus on that. So figure out your average cs and make it a goal to average about 20 more cs per game, while not hurting any of your other stats. Or if you're a jungler try to get better at drag control, or timing your buff spawns so you are always right where you need to be when they spawn.

If you improve some small piece of your play, even if you don't see your MMR rise, you'll still be making progress, have feelings of success instead of failure, and eventually you'll be much better and move up. Make your success case not be for a given game, but for a trend. "I want to average 10 more cs per game than I do now". Your success should be based off of yourself, not others.

If everyone based their success off others, no one would succeed. If a physics major compared himself to degrasse tyson, he would feel like a failure as he is only just learning physics.

In the immortal words of Jake from Adventure time: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DN43sCyEanA

Rueian1 votes

I don't have the option to even finish school, i keep trying to transfer and get rejected (3 years now). My current education is going entirely to waste in this dead end job that i have to keep out of necessity. I feel like my life is going nowhere, regardless of the time i put into anything. Hours/days/months/years... wasted.

CrankyChipmonk2 votes

{quoted}

I don't have the option to even finish school, i keep trying to transfer and get rejected (3 years now). My current education is going entirely to waste in this dead end job that i have to keep out of necessity. I feel like my life is going nowhere, regardless of the time i put into anything. Hours/days/months/years... wasted.

I used the example of the physics major because its something generally regarded as superior to the lives of the common man. I feel like you haven't made a single comment on my main points yet which are that its easier to feel like a failure. You have to focus on some small, meaningless goal. Do this over and over and eventually goals get bigger and better, but in the meantime you experience some small successes to help balance out the negative shithole that is the life of the common man.

Rueian1 votes

if it doesn't have meaning, why do it?

mtman3181 votes

The meaning is found in the doing. For example, one stress reliever exercise I do is take a tennis ball, lie down on my back, and throw it towards the ceiling. My goal for the exercise is to get the ball as close to the ceiling as I can without touching it. After a few minutes, I can often get it only a few millimeters away.

Does this accomplishment mean anything in the long run? I highly doubt it. But the point is that I accomplished something of my own free will/choice, and that always boosts ones self-esteem. (And for whatever reason, this exercise helps me unwind spectacularly--I suspect something like dart throwing or another similar activity would have about the same effect.)

You can then make other goals with something a little more meaningful--like drawing or cooking, etc. (Also, you mentioned you suck at art--I speak from experience when I say that artistic skill is more dependent on practice than innate talent. Just start small and simple; heck, I started with tracing.)

EL HAMSTERO2 votes

you should try trolling friend. its a huge stress reliever. plus if you troll it lowers your mmr which means the games you actually play get easier. totally serious I recommend it greatly.

IndianHippie2 votes

You wont get any solutions here. Go seek a therapist. I am not joking. If you're looking for catharsis then internet forums are the least ideal place.

Godhri1 votes

I am the same way man, but I have since learned to control it to a certain degree. What you have to consider is that gold is a commendable rank despite what anyone says. If you want to get better, you'll have to work at it more than simply playing the game since that has clearly stopped working.

Do a little research. Look up videos of pro league plays/coaching. They are extremely helpful and have helped me improve on my play a significant amount.

Like you, I also used gaming as an escape. Heck, I still do, but you have to remember that emotion is no excuse for erratic behaviors as evidenced by our current laws. You can't commit a crime and then go to court and say "oh i was just angry". It is the same basic concept here. What I can tell you is that I have found myself enjoying the game a lot more simply by being nice and positive (at least in text) to others when they irritate me. I am certain that you will see it the same way as well once you put it to practice. This is not to say that I haven't slipped up and gone overboard on someone. I have, but I keep in mind that I can never justify my actions. This is something you should keep in mind as well.

Here's a little trick I do for myself when I get angry; I ask myself just before I think of doing something out of anger "What am I doing? Is this the right thing to do? Will it solve anything?". You need to constantly question your actions if you are angry otherwise you will lose it and just do whatever.

Hang in there man. Life gets better. :) You just have to hang around to discover the other good things.

Rueian1 votes

Actually emotions are a reasonable excuse even by our law. Hence pleeing insanity.

When angry I can easily justify my reasons for being mad and saying what I say, doesn't mean its right, nor does it help me in catching myself. I don't slowly get mad. I go from 0 to butt hurt in seconds and barely even know what I am saying till I've calmed down. I impulsively type, I don't know how to control myself at my desk.

Rueian1 votes

And... Chat/ranked restricted again... hate my life. why cant i just be someone else.

I wish i had control... i wish i was happy, but its just too much to ask for.

TheEvilQueen1351 votes

have you tried talking to someone? like a professional?

Rueian1 votes

After about a month they said to my face that I was a waste of their time, so i never went back.

TheEvilQueen1351 votes

that's terrible!!! find someone else. try expressive arts therapy?

Rueian1 votes

expressive arts therapy?

TheEvilQueen1351 votes

trust me it's a thing. I have friends who major in it. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Expressive_therapy

Rueian1 votes

I dont really have any creativity in me.

TheEvilQueen1351 votes

just a suggestion if regular therapy wasn't helping.

Rueian1 votes

Its just doing such kinda requires some creativity. I don't really know how to be creative. Trying to come up with an idea actually stresses me out.

Rueian1 votes

.... I don't know what to do.... I see the advice, but how i can start, I obviously can't hold myself accountable or the punishments I've been getting would have helped me reform. I need help... But that literally is too much to ask for.

Its not like I can expect anyone to care about me.... I barely care about me. I've wished day in and day out that I didn't exist because all I have are messages telling me I'm a bad person, and a life proving I'm worthless. Why do I even try to live?

Pledgie1 votes

i know how you feel. Getting started on bettering yourself is the hardest part. Step 1 Play akali vs bots. you will not be frustrated after that :)

Karcist1 votes

Try moving to another city or state, even if it means moving in with relatives. A change of scenery goes a long way.

spikcraft1 votes

man, i got also depressed by this game and i think i will quit the competition aspect of the game, i wont play ranked/draft/blind/tb anymore, i will just sometimes play ARAM now, ARAM is fun there is no fault if you lose, forget about all the competitive aspect, you will get a more happyer league of legends life if you just play ARAM for fun and meet new people ;D

Rueian1 votes

even aram is serious to me. I get too angry at the RNG and being held hostage by bad games.

spikcraft1 votes

man, if you lose in ARAM there is no problem you dont have to blame yourself or the others for that no one can be genuinly better at ARAM is a luck game there is no better players just better champs and the luck factor kicks the competitivity and hopens more space for FUN!

Rueian1 votes

Thats not how I feel. I just take everything seriously.

spikcraft1 votes

well, i will try to leave the league of legends life and just play ARAM, i will tell you how it went after some time to see the results or you can try it for yourself, remember competitive aspect is only good if it doesnt affects your out-game world, but if it does you should just take some time off of it and try to be more happy that way =)

Rueian1 votes

I've taken alot of time off, and i only come back worse.

Pledgie1 votes

Play akali vs. AI bots if you're stressed my friend Akali

spikcraft1 votes

i dont know then, it looks like you are in a depression spiral, i am not a specialist or anything but i would suggest you to try to find something that you like and dont feel bad about it and just do it, i am sure you can find something you like and dont make you feel anyway other than good

Chimewlan1 votes

Don't worry bro, there's always light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to explore more then you can get to the end

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