Let's play the champion spotlight game

Rules are simple. I write a "champion spotlight" intro for a ridiculous sounding character. The next person gives a one sentence summary of that character's role and what makes him or her unique or interesting. That person then introduces their own character. Then the next person summarizes it and introduces THEIR character. And so on and so forth.

Welcome to the League of Legends champion spotlight, featuring John Q Sample: The Valued Cardholder.