I'm willng to sacrifice the next 3 seasons worth of updates and champions for better east coast ping

the only way to lower ping is to put yourself closer to the server. there is a cap at how low your ping can go and its directly related to geographical location.

im NAE and for me my ping should be around 85~90 all the time, however 270ping 1/3rd the time because timewarner.

people out in california experience anywhere from 10~30ping, because its where the server is located, thats all there is too it.

i feel your struggle, it just cant happen, the best we can hope for is 70ping.

im usaually at 95-105.....whats ur ping

As someone from EUW, I'm not. We had horrible server problems a while back (Game crashing for everyone every evening for months at a time). Most of us lost hope that anything would happen, but Riot built new servers to fix the problem while releasing new content.

They managed it for us, they will do it for you. These things do take a long time though. Patience.