Behold, The Nerf Hammer!

(Riot are nerfing champions who have committed crimes, and banish them from League for eternity.) Uh.. hi.. Riot... Please..! Don't hurt me ;-;. Skarner, you have committed a crime, of having a 64% winrate. Do you admit to the crime? Uh... yes... We have decided to hotfix you, nerfing all of your abilties. Case. closed. But...! I never did anything, I'm not strong! I swear! Oh, so you declare that you do not want our punishment? Nerfed harder. Goodbye. But... I SAID LEAVE. LEAVE NOW, OR YOU WILL BE ELIMINATED FROM THE GAME. RIOTERS, TAKE HIM AWAY. Yes, I shall. Phreak, don't take me! I don't even deal tons of damage! Sorry Skarner, I want dat booty $.

(Another champion has committed a crime).

Hi! I am aware of my 55% winrate, but this is the first time I am strong! Please, don't nerf me! No. I banish you into the depths of Nerfland. Why? Because, you pathetic weakling. You are too mobile! (riot logic). So, we shall nerf your movement speed, so you are not faster then a turtle! But Rammus is a turtle, and he's fast! LIES! Who can state if this statement is true or not? ok. LIES. BANISHED. But I'm not even strong! I just have voices in my head! PUT ME IN A MENTAL ASYLUM! Even more nerfs? ULTIMATE NERFED. No...! I wanted you to just put me in a mental asylum! Buff Darius? Okay! YEAH!

(The next champion) Sup, my brah. Ohhi Vayne, you're free to go. You're completely balanced. kk, cya scrub. Ah... so balanced...

(next champion) TIBBERS. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO HIM. I apologize, but the development team has decided to not make your Tibbers instant. You guys are MOLESTORS. MOLESTORS. MOLESTORRRRSSSSS I SAY. MOOOOOOOOOOOOLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSTOOOOOOOOOOOORSSSSSS. -sighs-

hi. Do I need even more nerfs? Mhm... Do you like my champion design, Kalista? (CertainlyT calls out). Do I look good to you? DO I? I'm an abomination CertainlyT! -Kalista cries- Nerfed. wurf.

(next champion)

sup bb. sup <3

(next champion)

Do I need to be here? Not yet, patch 5.18. We need money. We're poor. If I get over 100k in money, can I not get nerfed? sure.

(next champion)

yup. give me those buffs bb. What, we never agreed to give you buffs! You know you want to bb. But... No... we can't! You want to bb. Faker is calling. No... yes... Okay, only if Faker gives us tons of money! (and a handjob) Ah, yes. That's what I wanted. :) (zed's a real smoothtalker)

(some players have been asking about the annie nerfs, it does NOT EXIST. It is merely a request.)