Fan story "The dark"

MoldyCheese1··2 votes·243 views

there were two great powers the alcus, and the Graken, both forces of great power, as both forces grew apon the same planet, both driven by the will to survive on a harsh and plagued world. As the two great powers collided, the bloodshed was immense, and as the ferocity of the battle grew to immense proportions, it was clear the forbidden would reign supreme, so the darkin, desperate and fearful, chose apon 12 of their highest tier soldiers to face an unspeakable horror, they faced a corruption so dark it brought their very existence to shattered fragments of a once powerful soul, 3 of these candidates were not as strong as they were believed to be, and were killed by the very forces they wished to tame. however, the 9 remaining men/ women were transformed into beings of unimaginable strength and evil, these creatures were sent to a once dominated battlefield, and came back drenched with blood and victorious. But as time grew on, the dark beings grew thirsty and impatient, they planned the to kill everyone led by Rahaast, the embodiment of death. As a great mage learned of this, he developed a spell that granted the user the ability to transfer the soul of these creatures into weapons. The mage informed the grand council and developed a plan, a promise of a great battle as they would not be capable of overpowering the creatures, however, this was a large task and cost many men their lives in an unwinnable battle as the battle raged the mage, far back on the battlefield, sacrificed 9 men to each weapon and drew the blood of each fallen soldier to absorb the essence of the demonic beings, at the expense of his own life. as each being was sealed within their weapons. as time passed 4 of which were destroyed in order to prevent mayhem from being brought apon the planet 5 remained, stashed away from the rest of the world for the future to come.

{WIP} Kind of a crappy story with some good stuff in it to explain the darkin :D (FAN-MADE)

3 Comments

HalcyonDweller1 votes

[slayer-pantheon-thumbs]

Good read, if you'd like feedback I can give some.

MoldyCheese11 votes

there are alot of plot holes, id be cool if you rewrote to make better i dont mind if people copy and improve :D

HalcyonDweller1 votes

OK, my feedback is this:

When the champions come back, you don't withhold the fact that they absorbed the demons and are being corrupted, you just give it away right away. This is ok, but it will have more impact on the reader if you make it a plot twist that isn't revealed until later. For example, see the rewrite below.

So the darkin - desperate to stop the conflict and save their world - chose their 12 greatest champions to face an unspeakable horror; a corruption so malicious and vast that it could not be destroyed. The champions were tasked with conquering it and locking it away forever. It was so terrible that in the conflict it shattered their once stalwart souls. 3 of the champions were unable to withstand its power, and fell in the struggle. However, the 9 remaining men and women prevailed, and returned to their homeland victorious and drenched with blood. All was well for a time, but then signs began to show that something had changed about them. The champions acted crueler, more impatient and sought opportunities for war and conflict wherever they could find them.

Also there is a bit of a problem with the council just believing the mage immediately. Political systems are bureaucratic and slow to move, and people hate to accept that they are wrong. It makes more sense (and would be more tragic) for the grand council to ignore him completely in their arrogance.

One of the great mages noticed this and investigated. He discovered that the champions had not actually conquered the corruption, but rather it had conquered them; filling in their fractured souls with it's own power and malice. He tried to draw attention to the issue at a meeting of the grand council of Darkin, but he was dismissed as a loon by members of the council who were too arrogant to believe that their great champions could have been corrupted. So he began searching in secret for a method to seal them away.

Alternatively you might want to provide a better reason for them to seal the champions' souls into the weapons in the first place.

  • It could be that the item they were sealed in had to share a nature with them (tools of destruction and death, hence why they used weapons rather than magic stones, boxes, crypts, or other methods of sealing denizens away).
  • It could be that the council was arrogant and wanted to harness the power of the corruption for their own military might, and in folly they believed they could lock the corruption in weapons to control them. This would tie really well into the original mission to "conquer" the darkness, in that the champions who succeeded in sealing the darkness into their weapons slowly became corrupted by the sentience in their weapon. It could even go so far as to say that the champions slaughtered their entire people.

Now, to make your story more cannon, you've got to find a way to explain how there are no other Darkin in Runterra besides the corrupted weapons... I recommend something involving the Champions (led by Rhaast as you've said) competing against the council in some way. Either the council tries to seal them away (and it works, but backfires and kills everyone in their homeland), or the champions devise a plot to destroy the world again, and the mage manages to disrupt it by sealing them away, but not before the Darkin homeland is destroyed and everyone in it killed.

Anyway, that's all I have time for right now, but there's my thoughts on it as best I could provide.

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