Again, you're only looking at the shallow end of the spectrum that suits you. I've personally tutored many people in getting their basics established so they have a foundation to learn from. I mostly play normals because I don't trust other people enough to queue with them in ranked after a terrible experience I had in trying to do so, but I especially wouldn't with a new player for exactly that reason (as it applies to each of us).
Here's the thing that you aren't getting though: A group of self-interested people can cooperate to further each of their goals. That's the original reason for teamwork. Different players will have different goals, but the suggestions in the OP undermine some of these, and fail to understand that the more you try to "nanny" your player base, the more toxic it becomes, because players don't react well to being controlled (because it interferes with said goals). Here are a few examples of things people might play for:
Winning (one of my primary goals)
Improvement (another of my primary goals)
Fun (wouldn't play if it wasn't, but it's secondary for me)
Trolling/Laughs (not really my thing; don't appreciate these people on my team)
Multiplayer experience (again, not my thing in this game particularly, but I tolerate it)
Experiment/Innovate with the limitations of the game (I enjoy this, but it's secondary)
There are plenty of other things people want out of it, but you don't need to hold each other's dicks to get it. You only need to work together well enough that each person gets what they are there for (study some economics for more on this concept, because it goes into MUCH more depth than what I am touching on here). Some of these goals oppose each other either directly or otherwise, but most people with goals that differ widely from mine tend to just use customs or bot games for it. When I find them in my games, I find victory to be a rarity, because these people decimate such probabilities (intentionally and otherwise), so why would anyone be surprised at my low regard for them? The fact of the matter is that even you are in it for yourself before anyone else. You can be a hypocrite and deny it, or you can acknowledge it and think of solutions that would actually be plausible, but this thread will likely never see realization (thankfully) because it fails to understand the simplest concept about people and their behavior.