A Modest Proposal
It is a melancholy object to those who play through this great game or travel in the ranked placements, when they see the boards, the subreddits, and ranked queues, crowded with beggars of the bronze rank, followed by three, four, or six deaths with no kills and importuning every player for an alms. These bronzies, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in feeding to beg sustenance for their helpless KDA’s: who as time goes on either turn into feeders, or AFK, or flames the rest of the team.
I am assured by our rioters, that a bronze I player or a Bronze v player before twelve years old is no salable commodity; and even when they come to this age they will not yield above silver III.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
I have been assured by a very knowing rioter of my acquaintance in LA HQ, that a young healthy Bronze well flamed is at 12 years old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled (or flamed ;); and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.
I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that of the hundred and twenty thousand Bronzies already computed, twenty thousand may be reserved for us to take our anger out on. That the remaining hundred thousand may, at 12 years old, be offered in the sale to the persons of quality and fortune through the kingdom; always advising the mother to let them eat hot cheetos and takis plentifully in the last month, so as to render them plump and fat for a good table. A lil bronze player will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends; and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter. Bronze flesh will be in season throughout the year, but more plentiful in March.
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my VERY HIGH RANK, plat v, by advancing our trade, providing for infants, relieving the unranked, and giving some pleasure to the non bronze population.
Don't ask me why I don't know.