Patch 6.13 translated
DISCLAIMER: These patch notes have been modified for humorous and satirical intent (not always simultaneously). This should not be taken too seriously. Nor does it replace actually reading to official patch notes.
Greetings, Summoners.
Welcome to patch 6.13, the one where supports can stop pestering us for a while.
We're caving into supports complaining about their lack of kudos. So we're giving them some dopamine. Hopefully this will distract from us not actually doing anything.
Oh, and we did some things top lane too.
Unfortunately, I got distracted with my new Karma rework proposal. Thankfully, some other suckers Rioters agreed to help.
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CHAMPIONS
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BLITZCRANK: Support Blitz is a bit annoying all around, so we're giving him some quality of life changes. His ult passive will stop passive pushing lanes when he never lands a hook. In exchange, his hook now has an minimal range. His basic combo and play style is still entirely unaffected. So he's still just as annoying for opponents.
LULU We're buffing Lulu. We think this will only affect support Lulu, but honestly, we still have no idea how to separate them.
CATFISH: Shut up Fiddlesticks. We're buffing the Kench too. Get over it. His shield is weaker. In return, he now heals more, hits harder, and ult ganks from further away. Trolling allies with Devour is unchanged. It's called comedy.
THRESH Epic monsters now have a 2-for-1 deal. Smite now, and we'll throw in a jungler for free! (Limited time only, some restrictions apply.) Lantern dives are now easier to do, so you can stop oogling those pull records. Skill no longer required. Souls are now sentenced to hard labor, boosting shield strength.
ZYRA: We applied some weed killer. Doesn't really make her support any more satisfying, but she's killing all our precious Petunias.
ZILEAN: Contrary to popular belief, his ult does heal people.
mini-GNAR Apparently people still don't realize he's an ADC, so we buffed his range and damage.
IRELIA: We nerfed Irelia.
PRINCE JARVAN LIGHTSHIELD THE FOURTH, EXEMPLAR OF DEMACIA: Stronger shield in teamfights. On the rare occasion it hits an enemy. Everything and it's pet void puppy is still capable of escaping his ult though. Don't worry, he's "helping".
KINDRED: No matter how hard we try, death just doesn't seem to die. Maybe if we feed it some poison, that will do the trick. The poison probably isn't contagious..?
SWAIN: You're not Juggernaut, Swain. You're not supposed to be permanently unkillable after level 6.
SYNDRA: 4 bug fixes. In one patch! Be grateful, Even Azir doesn't get this much attention.
TRUNDLE: Turns out, having one of the highest base health regen with a self heal passive and (literal) life steal ult makes pushing a champion out of lane rather.... Difficult. Who knew? Fixed. Maybe. We hope.
TWITCH: He had a rather troublesome bug. So we made him take a bath. After we found the rodent. Don't ask how. I still have nightmares.
VLADIMIR: Just because we put mana on all the AP items, that doesn't mean you're not allowed to build them. Stop stacking so much health!
VOLLEYBALL: He's ganking too much, so we nerfed his clear speed. Take that, Fiddlesticks!
CHO'GATH: Now gets hit by Ziggs' Bouncing bomb more often when at six stacks. (Baron and Dragon also affected.)
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WALLS (And Zz'Rot Portal)
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Auto-path will now face-check champion generated walls instead of Detouring through the Crystal Scar.
Speaking of maps we wish were never released: Twisted treeline got some attention. So stop Whining. (We're not scheduled to delete it this season.)
MALICIOUS METAL:
You can now W empower your furthest Minion ally in range. Though we doubt anyone else would actually notice this fix.
TALIYAH: Dead soil apparently repairs its self faster than normal soil. We sent a team of botanists to study this phenomena, but they haven't returned yet.
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ITEMS
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ANCIENT COIN LINE: As gold starved as supports are, you'd think they would be chomping at the bit for a gold coin. But no, now they want stats too. Ungrateful bastards. Back in my day, we "relaunched" supports that bought stats. What ever. Better stats come sooner. You're welcome. (Final cost also increased.)
RELIC SHIELD LINE: Now you want to execute minions after laning phase? What is this, Christmas? Fine. Have it. But no more executing Tibbers; that way I can laugh as he rips you apart again.
SPELLTHIEF'S EDGE LINE: Killing pets no longer puts the gold gen on cooldown. Gotta buff those mid-laners, yo! (Especially with Zyra floating around up there again.)
FORBIDDEN IDOL: Improves heals and shields. Now we have an excuse to nerf those supports later. Cost also increased, because supports are buying too many items already.
ARDENT CENSOR: Heals and shields improves, mana regen reduced, AP increased, Total cost increased. We'll make Oriana want this, even if it kills us.
MIKAEL'S CRUCIBLE: Also buffs healing and shielding. We don't care if Oriana takes this one though, so we're just going to up the total cost.
RUBY SIGHTSTONE: The one items supports are supposed to rush, and they barely buy it. So we're buffing it's late-game power. After they've bought their other 5 actives. And cost decreased. FLAWLESS!
HEXTECH PROTOBELT-01: No more queuing up spells mid-dash. It caused problems for our mid-laners.
WARDS:
It has come to our attention that some ADC are actually placing wards! BLASPHEMY! We all know that job belongs exclusively to their slave support. So we added experience for killing them (in addition to last-hit gold). Hopefully, this will convince ADC's to take up red trinket from now on.
Oh, and killing them no longer puts Mobi boots on cooldown. Not sure who snuck that in there, but I'm too busy with this Yorik proposal to take it out.
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EXPERIENCE:
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CATCH-UP: Some under-the-hood modifications to make it more intuitive. Should help those poor under-leveled junglers.
POST-DEATH: Tanks seem to be under-leveled. We hope this helps. (Not you, Braum.) Nearby kills still grant xp for a few seconds.
EARLY KILL: Grants less experience. Sorry, Riven.
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Everything else
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TELEPORT: Longer to use. Visible from for of war. Top lane is an "island" for a reason. Stay there.
DRAGON & HERALD: Stopped leveling up mid-fight. It was funny to watch, but risked messing up our LC$bigPLAY$.
ATTACK-MOVE: Fixed a bug that could mess up the movement command. Still the support's fault.
FRIEND'S LIST: Mobile users aren't actually online. Something about not playing games. Ask the engineers.
BUGS: More bugs or more champions. I could explain them in depth, but this overview is due in a few minutes. Just know that we fixed stuff.
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RANKED:
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BOOSTING BADGES: Emblems active. You can now identify the people not recently boosted.
TIER RESTRICTIONS: High tier players can now boost people at a lower elo.
RANKED 5's Returning. Occasionally. We're still looking for a less-expendable intern to manage the on/off button. Ranked 3's will also mirror this schedule. For the 2 teams that actually play skilless Treeline. (See, we remember it again!)
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SKINS
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Nami now has a light bulb on her head and she stole a shark from Fizz.
Vayne now officially steals souls. We all suspected it was true, but now there's proof! Oh, you'll probably have to sell your soul to get it.
EDIT:
Backed by popular request I am proposing a some challenges to the community to increase my motivation for translating the next set of patch notes.
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- Get Scarizard to post in this topic.
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- Get a Red post to request I do this again.
- 2.5) Bonus if Scarizard requests it. <Insert evil laugh here.>
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- Get this topic to the top of the front page (none of that meme crap allowed).
- 3.5) Bonus if it gets pinned.
Naturally, I have to be able to verify these. Screenshots are recommended for the last one. If you think these conditions are too hard, look at my name. <Queue the thunder and lightning.>
"Armored bears don't belong in the League! "
We haven't forgotten, Scarizard.
