Patch 8.11 Translated
With pyke's emergence, I have temporarily left my favorite hiding spot too run for my life examine Riot's handiwork.
As usual, they are using complex slang and encryption to obfuscate their message. Thankfully, my old ciphers still seem to be working. So without further ado, let's see what Riot has in store for us now. . .
######(Disclaimer: this post is made for humorous intent. It does not not replace reading of actual patch note.)
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"Greetings, Summoners, we have discovered, how to use commas; they're great!
Welcome to the patch where we finally give in to all those pending lawsuits (Seriously, stop trying, they're always thrown out) and nerf
ADCmarksman. To do this, we're going to change crit itemization and probably buff assassins.
We also heard about how much you are loving these jungle changes, so we're loosening the reigns a little. . . On Laners.
#CHAMPIONS
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SPYKE
He exists now. All you assassin mains can stop complaining about the the support role being "useless" or "boring" now.
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ANIVIA
The original zone control mage, Anivia didn't like our recent mana changes. Rather than let the storm carry on, we're buffing her slow ball that never hits anything.
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GRAVES
Graves does a little too well when scuffling for scuttles, so we're giving him the standard issue ADC nerf.
-3 AD.
(Oh, and +10 seconds on rank 1 ult, so it looks like we're actually doing something.)
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KHA'ZIX
One of out interns noticed that Kha'Zix has a cheap Teemo passive on his evolved ult. As
Satan'sTeemo's devote worshipers, this identity conflict obviously couldn't stand. So we nerfed his un-evolved ult and re-purposed the evolution to make fighting him even harder.
You're welcome (Teemo).
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LAMB
So..... There have been complaints about allies stealing Kindred's Marks. To make they are able to play with the big kids from time to time, we decided to let Scuttle assists count. Marks also come out earlier, so those duelists they can't fight yet know where to find them.
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LeBLANK
You can now queue up W. Just W. Any more and her skill floor might collapse.
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LEE SIN
Annual Lee Sin buff. Will still probably have another one for worlds.
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RAKAN
As a squishy, diving, basically melee, engage support, with delayed CC, Rakan has too much sustain. We prefer watching them suicide into enemy teams and have nerfed accordingly.
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TOPH BEFONG
Taliyah was designed to be League's primer roaming mage. Which she does very well at, when her team mates aren't scrubs. To balance things out, we're making it harder for her to leave lane.
This makes sense.
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URGOD
Make Urgot Jungle again!
Also, he can now drag around his victims while grinding them to death. Just in case somebody couldn't see.
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VIKTOR
Like Anivia above, Viktor has mana problems. So we're making him hit harder in a fight.
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XIN ZHAO
Xin Zhao, it appears, is really good at fighting people early game. He's a right clicker though, so we're ok with him being dominant. To lessen the coming complaint storm though, and because he will probably pull ahead anyways, we're making him scale slightly less.
Should make it more reasonable when he's smashing your face in from two levels up.
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ZYRA
Zyra isn't helping people fight over scuttles enough. We can't buff her damage without risking her mid lane becoming stronger, so we're buffing her CC instead.
#Marksman Base Stats
Here's where we cater to complaints about marksman ruining everything.
We're slightly weakening them in lane while slightly strengthening their mid-late game. This shouldn't have any impact on snowballng. . .
#HUNTER'S MACHETE COMPENSATION
Because non-marksman right-clickers deserve love too.
MASTER YI and NOCTURNE Lower base damage, bonus attack speed. Got to get those on-hit effects!
DIANA Because someone misplaced Majora's Mask, we decided to give the moon servant straight buffs. ######(Nobody plays her anyways.)
#ITEMS
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STORMRAZOR (Because we hate the space bar)
Jhin forth shot if you stop auto attacking.
Of course, we're not nerfing life steal, so there's no actual reason to take this. But we promised the intern we'd let them help make something during the last christmas party.
Yes, we were drunk. Very drunk.
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INFINITY EDGE
We promised to make Yasuo less frustrating, so here is our solution. EVERYBODY gets double crit chance now! Since there's gold involved, we had to change things a little. So instead of making crits weaker, they deal true damage.
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ESSENCE REAVER
We're ok with non-mages having a really good mana sustain option, but the new infinity edge means crit chance isn't as valuable as before. So we're removing the crit synergy and replacing it with non-CDR CDR.
Once Marksman have had a chance to thoroughly destroy this new concept (for items), we'll considering rolling out a worse version for mages. . . . Maybe. Till then, welcome back to the meta, Lucian!
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LAST WHISPER
Weaker against tanks, stronger against squishies. Have to compensate for that Infinity Edge nerf.
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LORD DOMINIK'S REGARDS
See Last Item.
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GIANT SLAYER
Items with only 1 upgrade option aren't very interesting, so we're removing this one.
(Haunting Guise, executioner's calling, Hexdrinker, and Quicksilver Sash are ok though. Oblivion orb and Seeker's Armband technically have more options outside summoner's rift.)
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CLOAK OF AGILITY
Never actually had anything to do with agility. So the thematic team is throwing it out.
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MAW OF MALMORTIUS
Really, Maw is all the magic resist you'll ever need. So we're buffing it's anti-mage properties and removing the scaling. This should make assassin VS mage match ups much more exciting.
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GUARDIAN ANGEL
We actually nerfed the armor on most marksman, so we're adding it to Guardian Angel. Just in case they want it back.
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BANNER OF COMMAND
Split pushing isn't a very exciting way to watch the LCS, so we're reducing Banner's ability to stealth push. Also, enhanced minions now flip off everybody equally, instead of just ignoring mages.
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SHURELYA's REVERIE
Non-supports are abusing another support item. Shocking, we know.
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ENCHANTMENT: RUNIC ECHOES
Gives more AP. Mages are still terrible junglers, so we decided to pretend we want them back.
#CRITICAL STRIKE
Because Infinity edge is making crit chance less valuable, the shop keeper has started increasing his prices on all crit chance items. Something about supply and demand. We're not really sure what he's talking about, but negotiations are ongoing.
#LIFESTEAL (Because we still hate the space bar.)
Remember before when we said that nobody will bother with Stormrazer because life steal isn't getting nerfed? Well just to be completely certain that item is a flop, we're making Blade of the Ruined King and Bloodthirster cheaper.
#RUNES
FLEET FOOTWORK
Nerfed for marksman, buffed for everyone else. This might seem a bit strange, but Marksman have an entire tree dedicated to them. We can afford to throw one or two runes under the bus to make us look good.
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HAIL OF BLADES
Because Electrocute wasn't perfect for all marksman, we're giving them another Domination keystone. This time with attack speed instead bonus damage. We thank all the assassins and mages for their patience in waiting for a precision key stone. Eventually, we may consider making one.
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ULTIMATE
HATHUNTER
We moved Ultimate hat into the domination tree and made it a bounty rune. This way, we can say we added a new mage rune also.
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NIMBUS CLOAK
The Ultimate Hat replacement grants Bonus move speed on ultimate cast. We know how most mages want move speed more than anything else. With this addition, every rune tier in sorcery can be filled with bonus move speed!
(It's hard coming up with so many original ideas for bonus stats.)
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MINION DEMATERIALIZER
Apparently players haven't figured out that this is supposed to be used on super minions, so we're locking it out until later.
#TURRETS
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DURABILITY
We want defending turrets to feel meaningful, and for the now nerfed marksman to not feel weaker. So we nerfed the turrets.
Now when you defend a turret, you can feel a real sense of pride and accomplishment over that impossible feat.
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GOLD
Remember when we made turret gold global so everyone could feel good about it a season or two ago? Well, turns out that doesn't incentivize team fights. Which in turn makes LCS less exciting. So we're shifting some of that global reward to the pockets of players that were actually there.
#JUNGLE
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BARON NASHOR
We saw a level 6 Jinx die while trying to solo him the other day. That probably means he's a tad strong, so we brought his damage down a bit.
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SCUTTLE CRAB
Too much time is being spent fighting over scuttle crabs and not enough laning. So we're trapping scuttle crab in her hole a little longer.
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JUNGLE MONSTERS
Because less crabs means less experience, we're increasing the incentive for the winner to counter-jungle the loser.
#SCRUB SUPPORT
Because Marksman are such delicate butterflies, we decided to hold their hand following the nerfs. Everyone now has a 4 health window to last-hit minions.
#ARAM
We're making a lot of quality of life improvements for
that other mapARAM players. We've also added some experimental changes that we can just blame on Buther's Bridge if they fail.
######(There's no map called Twisted Treeline. Please stop perpetuating this myth!)
#PINGS
Some ping volumes now respect distance. Just in case you're blind. (And if you are, please tell us how you've avoided the ban hammer.)
#INSTANT FEEDBACK
We're planning to make reform cards less ambiguous. Please stand by. . .
#LEVEL UP REWARDS
If you have no life, we didn't forget about you. We just underestimated your lack of a life.
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SPEED ROUNDDead Bugs
- Reconnecting after exiting practice
- Knocking up Legendary Comets
- Double summoner flash
- Undying death by overloaded Flux
- Dead minion unit collision
- Dead guardians
- Wind Wall Hallucinations
#SKINS TEAM
We dropped some ink in the company fish bowl by accident and passed it off as a reference. Here's the result.
- Captain Fortune with a sword
- Rogue Admiral Garen without a sword.
Along your choice intern alterations.
