Game Mode: League Of BS Passives

This is similar to doom bots, but not so much of a simple Michael Bayafication of damage sources. Instead, each champion gets a unique additional passive that is specifically INSPIRED by that champion, in lore, personality, strategy, etc. But this additional passive is still utter nonsense and broken. To clarify what I mean, here's a list of what a few champions can look forward to in this game mode:

We all know what Ezreal's ult is for. Farming, right? With that in mind, ezreal’s ult now executes all minions and monsters. By all, I mean, all. Double-drag/herald grab from botlane at lvl 6 op.

“Another blue ribbon for Hecarim!” Currently, I haven’t seen any blue ribbons, so we’ll add one to his path in his wake… ya know, like those blue “ribbons” in tron races? Yeah, don’t touch it. You’ll die. I guess, in keeping with the spirit of tron races (with the wake-ribbon-of-death) we’ll also say that Hecarim can’t stop moving at a blindingly fast speed for the entire game (gotta be consistent, right?) P.S. if it’s Arcade Hecarim, it’s a rainbow. Hidden passive: if Lux gets near Arcade Hecarim's wake, it splits into two parallel wakes.

We all know what Irelia (as a whole) is for, right? Nerfing. With that in mind, everything associated with her is utterly nerfed into the ground. Her damage, move speed, attack speed, are all reduced to a 10th. But… oh right, that’s not “everything”. Her “ability to take damage/cc” is also a “thing”, and is therefore nerfed. She can only take 1% of damage or crowd control. It’s… it’s a nerf… I promise… OKAY, SURE, SOME people call this 99% mitigation of wait-what-is-this-bs, but we can safely say that I've definitively proven that it is, in fact, a nerf.

“Did I mention! It’s mating seasons!” All players screens are blocked by random 3-second Discovery-channel clips whenever she \joke’s (uh, we may have to give it a cooldown). Think of it as “enhanced vision reduction”…. not to suggest (in... tandem with “mating season”) that the actual Discovery clips used will make you blind from trauma (RIOT! BE NICE! DON’T DO THAT TO YOUR PLAYERS! Just… pick clips of lions loafing around, sleeping, or chasing gazelles or something.)

“If light travels so fast…” Shen is now permanently invisible. To everything. What? No, I don’t mean, like, game-mechanic invisible, I mean literally, you can’t see him… ever (this includes allies). Sure, you can still click on him to autoattack. You just have to… ya know… find him first (CARPAL TUNNEL HERE WE COME!). Note earlier, I said “everything” not “everyone”. He has trouble aggroing anything. Now, aggroing of ANYTHING (towers, minions, baron) is determined by a probability over time. If he’s lucky, he kills tower solo before it finds him.

“I will NOT, save YOU!” We all know what soraka’s W is for. Healing minions, right? With that in mind, Soraka can now heal EVERYTHING. (again, everything, not everyone). This is best summed up by a post of mine some weeks ago in response to someone pointing out that you can heal jarvan’s flag:

Not a bug, it's a feature. Just like healing the minion 2 inches away from your adc right before he dies is a feature HEY DON'T YOU GIVE ME THAT LOOK! MINIONS NEED BACKUP! SHOW SOME RESPECT!

Later they'll be adding heals for wards, inhibs, nexus, dead karthus, baron, enemy jarvan, poros, meeps, bushes, towers (but only when destroyed), "yes" votes, and internet connections. Games don't end, and players don't leave until Soraka says so!

*high fives Lee Sin*

Of course, this could present certain issues if she clearly defects and will not stop healing enemy players (“not stop” as in, literally, “heals indefinitely by healing others in between healing herself (everything means everything)”). So, to… ahem… “balance” this, everyone can now kill Soraka. Let’s face it, you've ALREADY WANTED to kill Soraka every time she heals a minion instead of you. Now’s your chance.

“Size doesn’t mean everything! (aka is a liability)” Teemo is now infinitesimally small. What? No, this isn’t like Shen. You can still see Teemo. He’s a dot. However, clicking him has it’s… unique challenges. You may have trouble pinpointing his hitbox with a cursor ten times his size. BUT DON’T GIVE UP. SHOW CARPEL TUNNEL WHO’S BOSS!

The point of Udyr’s abilities is apparently to activate them… and that’s it. So from now on, THEY’RE ALL ACTIVE (i.e. all passives from all his abilities are permanently active). What about those temporary “actives” associated with each ability? I… guess we’ll just have to make those permanent passives as well! Obviously there’s no way around it. shrugs. So what is button mashing for now? Sound effects I guess.

There are are plenty of champions left to fill in the blank on, so all thoughts are welcome!