Why is my team always the one with clowns and the enemy team is better?

And before you tell me to git guud and carry, thats already what I have done. If you take a look at my match history (make sure u hit see more) I have 37 wins and about 13 losses as assuo. 5 of those losses were just because I had to get up and go, or I had 2-3 afks on my team. or someone else autolocks mid and forces me to assuo support.

But every fucking game, I find myself dealing with some moron on my team who wants to go full AD lux, full AD ahri, and feeds their ass off. The enemy team always plays legit, they may suck at their mechanics, but they build right, and pick champions for the right roles.

Every damn game, I have to solo rift herald as myself because my jungler is off playing with his scrotum and my botlane is MIA farming gromp, while Im double/triple killing bot lane and their jungle (and occasionally dying).

Ive countlessly taken out 2-3 of the enemy carries, had wide open inhibitors and watched my team TELEPORT to the JUNGLE TO STEAL THE RED BUFF at 40 MINUTES OF THE GAME instead of taking 2 free inhibitors

Just tell me, why, why do I consistently see telitubbies on my team while the enemy team makes a conscious effort. Why am I carrying basically every damn time.