A Modest Proposal for Preventing Smurfs of Boosted Bonobos from being a Blight on Rito and Silvers

Dear Rito,

I am a lowly Silver scrub, and I can take being called boosted and knowing that I suck major phallic body parts; but it becomes very frustrating when I get smurfed on because you don't want to have to chose between two sides of the fan base: the angry boosted horde; and the top 1% money makers who abandoned their ELOs to come to thrust me in my poop dispenser because they: like ruining people games; got frustrated with their own ELOs; doing in for "teh lulz" (whatever that means); or simply because they can.

I realize that this is a precarious situation that you find yourselves in: if you make smurfing a bannable offense, then players who enjoy making smurfs and spending the money to get skins and champions for their new account you miss out on the revenue that you get from those purchases; but if you leave it be then your lower ELO clients (well over half of the player base) will get frustrated with the match making system unless you keep them pacified with new champions and Star Guardian Urgots.

But what if I told you I had a modest proposal? I suggest that we (Rito and the Silver Scrubs) backtrack the account names associated with known smurfs to get non-vital information such as: eye colour; height; weight; favorite colour and foods; and living location. This information would only be shared with the /most/ reputable of gentlemen, such gentlemen as Lee H. Oswald or James E. Ray. Such reputable people would surely be able to kindly convince repeat smurfers that the game is best when all games are fair from the get go and such antics as creating a third account to troll stomp silver players would be simply unkind and undesirable to all players involved.

A more extreme response would be to reformat the tier system to allow for a greater separation between those who deserve to be in what we currently call silver for the time being and those who might be able to earn some new tier of players (some outrageous suggestions would be: Steel between bronze and silver, Electrum between silver and gold, Cobalt between gold and plat, etc.) however I realize what a strange idea this would be.

In the mean time I would like to fantasize about a world in which toxic players are also banned in a meaningful manner... In the mean time I would like to fantasize about a world in which more care was taken to balance champions that are clearly broken but very fun and widely used in competitive and non-competitive play In the mean time I would like to fantasize about a world in which you come out about mistakes you have made and are willing to revert such as what you are doing to Kog`Maw In the mean time I would like to fantasize about a world in which you listen to lower ELO players for constructive criticisms and genuinely think about their suggestions In the mean time I would like to fantasize about a world in which you stop to consider not just how the play testers would react to a change in the meta but how the meta will change through the whole of the client base In the mean time I would like to fantasize about a world in which you change the way skins are released, i.e. not right before that champion is nerfed for being popular rather than for being strong In the mean time I would like to fantasize about a world in which I finally get out of silver and stop being horrible at the game In the mean time I would like to fantasize about a world in which toxicity is at an all time low

In the mean time... contemplate the reasons your client base might be dying out for some unknown reason... _(ツ)_/

TL;DR: Go back and enjoy the sarcasm, if you don't get it read "A Modest Proposal" by Jonathan Swift.