Had a rough game? These might help.

I know from experience that unlucky games often draw all manner of profanity and scorn upon oneself. To assist you in swiftly addressing these hateful remarks without taking too much time away from the game, I offer you a few of the comments I have on macro. May they serve thee well as thou findest thineself adrift upon yonder sea of ill fortune.

• The Roman Empire is regarded as having possessed perhaps the greatest time-relative military force in history. Rome was sacked by the Visigoths in the year 410. We all have our off days.

• Did you know many a man thought Napoleon Bonaparte worthy to rule all Europe? And then he was defeated at Waterloo. Am I better than Napoleon Bonaparte?

• Ah, yes, I'm having a bad game. Do you find me so important a fixture in your life that you will remember this performance tomorrow? A week from now? How about in a year? If not, it is an event unworthy of your typing.

• There is often a debate between who is the more dominant warrior class: samurai or vikings. As of today, both groups have been defeated so utterly they no longer exist. If such warriors are not immune to defeat, why should you consider me so?

• England has had eight ruling dynasties since becoming "England". Seven of them, each illustrious and mighty in their time, were thus defeated by rivals. Am I a king? Is prowess in League of Legends my birthright? Because I feel I'm more prone to occasional mishaps than they.

• O woe, o lament! If only Lady Lux wast in mine camp! If only Fortune didst sail with mine fleet! Alas, I've been dealt Naut. (Especially useful if a Nautilus has called you out.)

• WHY?! WHY, OH HEINOUS OF FATES, DOST THOU CURSE ME SO?! TO BE DELIVERED UNTO MY FOE IN SUCH REPETITIOUS FASHION, IT IS MORE THAN I MIGHT BEAR!!!! ... Too dramatic? Then it's not something that needs to be discussed.

• Am I God? Do I hold the world in my hand? Did I create the ecosystem of this world? Did I place the earth an utterly perfect distance from the sun, allowing it to sustain life? No. I am most certainly not. Therefore, I am not immune to occasional error.

• I am rubber. You are glue. I've had a bad game. It will happen to you.

• They say gold wins any conflict. Perhaps you should spend your time reaping it, rather than wasting it attempting to convince me my poor luck is something I should commit suicide over. Because the latter goal is doomed to fail.

• Does someone love you? Your mother? Your girlfriend? Your brother? Anyone? If so, you've no reason to bother yourself with me. Should we lose, I'm sure they will help you forget your troubles with reassuring conversation. Perhaps brownies, if you're lucky!

• Statistics show roughly 27 million people will play this game today. I am but one. Perhaps you ought to save your best insults for that one man who will go 0/20/0.

• Did you know the average KDA is about 3.5:1? This means that given your current performance, you are due for a 0.3:1 game soon. If you believe in karma, it may behoove you to be silent.

• Throughout history, nations have risen and fallen. Storied dynasties have crumbled. Great and epic battles have been fought. Tornadoes, hurricanes, tsunamis and volcanoes have changed the face of the earth. Heroic men have performed deeds that have echoed for centuries beyond their time, and tyrants have left a scar on history that festers to this day. Now don't you feel absurd, making such a large thing of my performance in a video game?