So about Dark Cosmic Jhin lore

This is the official Dark cosmic Jhin lore in client

"Jhin was an interstellar entity, consumed by the Dark Star and given new purpose. Now, his ageless mind is infected by visions of omnipotence, and consumed by an insatiable hunger. He scours entire regions of space seemingly on a whim, using the remnants to create bizarre, silent objets d'art."

And I found it so underwhelming since I feel it captures nothing of what jhin is, I wrote my own version in like 2 minutes

" Jhin was once a cosmic being of unimaginable power purging the vile dark star whenever he found them, but over the course of untold eons he found himself seeking more of his own existence and the protection of the cosmos slowly become something trivial in his own mind, until 1 day reaching the breaking point he melded with a darkstar he had defeated and emerged as something more and to a greater purpose, to reform the very reality into his vision of perfection "

Do tell me which you like more and what I did wrong in my version and how I could have made it better

Sorry for the long post