My story on how I became toxic and how to stop it

When I first started playing league I didn't even know what a chat box was and I lost to intermediate bots. I played full lifesteal Nasus and didn't care if I won or lost. I never flamed my teammates for mistakes and I never got flamed for them either.

Then one day after reaching level 30 and trying ranked, I placed Bronze 3. Hell, back then I thought that was an achievement. Then all of a sudden after placing I started getting these players that targeted me for my rank when I was playing normals matches. They would call me names, tell me to kill myself and all kinds of nasty things. I grew bitter about my rank.

I decided to go back to ranked to see if I could get high enough to have fun in the game again without having to mute everyone, because one of the reasons I liked league was to talk and banter with people. I grew angry at other people who seemed to slow my progress to silver. This continued for a while. I got a chat restriction twice before I realized I said some things that, while I felt were justified based on the volume of the other person's toxicity, I realized were them baiting me.

I took a break from League entirely and came back a couple weeks later. The game seemed fresh, fun even, and I quickly rocketed into silver with my improved attitude. Thinking that was an achievement and that I could play normals again, I went back and instead of being called bronze trash I either got told I was boosted to silver or that the other players all apparently were smurfing and their mains were all challenger. I grew bitter again, and made a new quest to get to gold.

But I can't seem to get there. I'm just not a gold level player. And you know, that's okay with me. I realize now that no matter how far I climb I'll only be disappointed as others berate me for either being boosted or not being challenger. I even see people in Bronze trashtalk challenger players, saying "X challenger player is better than Y challenger player".

The comparison never seems to end. I can't have fun in a game where I'm constantly feeling like trash. So maybe it's time to just stop being so critical of my own inability to climb and just accept that I have other qualities and strengths besides playing video games that require fast reaction times that I just will never have. I have reasons for being bad. I actually WAS dropped on my head as a kid, abused and beaten. I have some problems that normal kids will never understand. They don't need to either. I can just give it my all and see where I stand in the world, and be happy with the fact that I'm even alive to enjoy it.

To those that I get grumpy with and upset with, I am sorry. Whether it be after a long day or a stressful test, I am not always 100%. I haven't been punished by the system in over 3 years as far as I remember, but that doesn't mean I'm always a nice person. My goal now is to use league as a way to grow a thicker skin and become a person I define myself as, rather than what others say I am. My goal is to also stop judging people based on something as trivial as a game.

As they say, it's much better to go out to eat at a place with excellent service and okay food than to go to a place with excellent food and crap service.