If Abilities did literally what the name was
I'll start jungle waters can only be used in the river unseen predator will make kha zix invisible to the enemy team no matter what karthus sings a sad song that can be heard across the map for his ult
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** Last Breath: **Yasuo dies.
Starcall: Soraka racks up an unbelievable long distance bill.
Parrrley: Gangplank sits down and discusses a ceasefire with target enemy champion.
E: Cutthroat could silence the target so it was like cutting a throat
Tidal Wave - would summon a massive wave of water... I think I'm doing this wrong?
Nevermove. Nobody moves. Ever.
Chrono Shift:
Returns the whole map to 7 seconds before the cast (returns original positions, xp, gold, hp, kills, cooldowns etc..) Only Zilean, his cooldowns and his bombs don't get affected.
Absolute Zero: Everyone dies.
Demacian Justice (R): Garen would succesfully file a lawsuit against a Noxian acting as prosecutor.
Moonfall - Makes the moon fall
Counter Strike: League of Legends turns into CS:GO
Feast: Cho'Gath calls for a ceasefire, and throws a party for both teams to celebrate how far they've taken League.
Crushing Blow: Flattens an enemy's actual game model and supresses them until they die or they spam the move command enough times (thier game model will return to normal size).
Glitterlance: Creates a Lance made of all the colors that grants lance proficiency to the caster. Enemies struck are afflicted with Glitterdust, blinding them and preventing stealth for a brief period.
Charm - Ahri... well... "Charms" you... If you know what I mean.
Assult and Battery: Nuff said actually...
The box :^)
taste their fear kha zix scares the enemy to the point where they soil their pants and licks it
silver bolts
's basic attacks instantly kill 
let's bounce
and any champion he hits proceed to bounce around the map
Noxian Guillotine: If Darius kills an enemy champion with it, that champion visibly loses his/her head.
Wild cards: does whatever you need it to do. Instakill enemy carry, make you 18 and full build, full health/mana, etc.
unbreakable: gets hit by a car. Survives.
Crystallize turns everyone into ice.
Buckshoot shoots male deer. Dark Matter eats the map slowly.
Song of Celerity
She just plays a song really quickly that's meant to be played fast
Piltover Peacemaker: Caitlyn and the enemy champion have diplomatic peace talks over tea and cupcakes.
Glacial Prison: Sejuani puts everyone in cooler (jail).
Pretty sure at least 2/5 of his abilities mean the destruction of the planet.
League of Draven, makes every champion gain Dravens mustache, even Draven himself
Blinding Dart: Teemo fires a poison dart that turns an enemy champion blind. Forever.
**Death Lotus: **Katarina turns into a flower which one hit KO's all who touch her.
No?
Edit: What does "jungle waters" refer to in the OP?
Tumble: nuff said
Happy Hour -
Gragas immediately stops enemy attacks from happening and invites them all to a bar which they can not declineand every champion gets very drunk and is therefore unable to fight and upon waking up they have a massive hangover, during which they can not land any skillshots or abilities in general.
Event Horizon Summons a black hole that eats the entire map and eventually Runeterra.
Darkwind - Fiddlesticks farts
Tag Team
Valor comes down and fights with you instead of tagging you out....
Cyclone: Spawns a small tornado on the map.
Super Mega Death Rocket: Instant kills every enemy champion hit by the ult or the explosion.
Idol of Durand: Spawns a small golden colour idol of someone named Durand. Has no other effects.
Rewind: Zilean sits down in a reclining chair and watches teen mom backwards.
Equalizer: makes every champion equal to each other.
Life Form Disintegration Ray:
Disintegrates and instantly kills any organic champion it hits. Does nothing to 
, 
, etc.
My ult now makes plants grow vigorously out of nowhere, instead of making someone bigger in size.
I AM THE NEW ZYRA!
Wither: Nasus decays an enemy champion
Tides of blood: Turns all water red.
Duskbringer: Turns the time of day on any map to dusk.