Instructions for your Teemo

Greetings!

If you are reading this, we have most likely had the displeasure/pleasure of being paired together and I've given you this URL during champ select. I wanted to give you a basic introduction and something to read while the game loads. Here are some simple facts to help us get along better:

1. I will try to win! Contrary to popular belief, I will try my best to get enemy inhib and destroy it. But if I have to choose between having a fun game or winning? Fun game is better any day. I also have zero ego, so I am fine knowing I'm a bronze level player. I don't feel the urge to strive for Gold, I've been successful in other facets of my life, a video game doesn't need to be one of them. So even losing games, I tend to have more fun based on criteria that is important to me.

**2. I'm going AD, not AP. ** Yes I know AP is more effective/uber/supreme. I don't care. I have developed and tweaked this build for over 2000 games and it's perfect. Doing lots of damage was fun for a bit, but I'm over it now. Movement and attack speed runes are my favorite. I'm super fast with almost 600 movement speed and maxed attack speed (I think 2.41) depending on the fine tune of my build. Plus I really enjoy the late game sustain lifesteal provides. If I can get away with even one health, a very short time in the jungle will have me right back up to full. Applying constant pressure and tying up 2 or 3 champs is better than outright killing one. Plus my build is not even slightly scary, so people are more inclined to pursue me and track me down. Again more fun. the 2 main problems with AP are sustain and movement speed. there aren't a lot of AP + movement speed items and spell vamp sucks on teemo, since his only reliable resource is the blinding dart. At the end of the game, I don't even care how many opponents I killed, only # of towers, minions CS, and total money earned. Nothing else even matters to me.

**3. If you banned Teemo to purposely stump me, congratulations, you did. ** I can only play Blitz and Heimer, but neither are effective to any degree. If you thought my Teemo sucked, wait till you see my other chars! I'm currently 1/9 win rate with blitz. My lolstats are here : http://www.lolking.net/summoner/na/21458144 I suspect people ban Teemo to get me to dodge? They don't seem to understand my record means nothing to me, I guess. Or perhaps they are being vindictive by shooting themselves in the foot. It's a mystery but happens quite often. (Edit:) most recently I've been trying Hecarim split pushing, it fails nearly every game, but it's still pretty fun. With the Blitz nerf where he gets slow after a bust of speed I don't play him much anymore. And I win entirely too many games with Heimer, but find I don't really enjoy winning a game where my own team sabotaged me from enjoying it, so I don't play him much either anymore.

4. I'm going to mute everyone. At first it was cute hearing the "kill yourself, hope you get aids and die" comments, but after 500 games of unimaginative slurs, it pretty much gets old. And I'm not gonna lie, the constant negativity people express every game, really gets to me after like 7 or 8 games. Let's face it, people on the internet are douchebags. I just don't want to deal with them anymore. Then we have people inable too uewse proper grammerrr, it drives me insayne. The lack of intelligence also offends me. I used to try and explain myself or defend myself or explain my stance, but it turns out I don't really care that much anymore. No discussion ever leads to anything positive. I simply don't care to communicate with the extreme hostility that exists in this game. I'll ping and that's it.

5. If the enemy I'm matched up has a stun or nice lunge, I'm going to feed A LOT. Pantheon/Ryze/Renekton/Fizz/Trist/, etc. Don't worry or panic! Even if I go 0/14 I'm still effective late game if I can farm some minions. That being said, I get shutdown often and completely, my apologies. The new Nidalie with her super jump also destroys me. Plus we now have a super fed enemy combatant, which is a serious problem sometimes, like against a Lee Sin, Yasuo, or Akalie. It should be noted I do well against chars you wouldn't think. Lux for instance, her stun is slow and pretty easy for me to avoid, Gragas barrels, Yorick I can farm his ghosts, Blitzcrank grabs, swains stun, etc. As opposed to a panth spear I can't dodge, or a Ryze stun, it ruins me quick. A special shout out to Fiora, who can lunge and ult me for an instant kill any time she wishes. Those 2 combos do more damage than I have health. Oh and cannot be dodged. Lethal.

**6. I probably won't be at many team fights. ** Pushing is always preferred. I'm super squishy and can hardly beat one person, let alone 3,4, or 5. Plus Teemo has a global taunt, so I'm the first guy they are going after. It's very common for my team to be pushing the mid while I'm pushing top. They get 4v5'd, destroyed, and then complain I don't come back to mid to 1v4 the enemy team. I've never understood how if the whole team got wrecked, a squishy teemo is going to come in and save the day. But expect this from my gameplay style.

**7. Please please please take all kills and CS. ** I don't mind. I need 15,000 gold to complete my build and typically achieve this between 36-39 minutes (210 minions + dragon + avarice +turrets + assists). Then I can buy potions but pretty much nothing else. All that extra gold goes to waste. Also if I get a kill it resets my death gold, I would prefer to be worth nothing and give the enemy as little money as possible. Once I get to 0/7, I'm usually not even worth killing, so I tend to get ignored by whoever is owning me. They even travel to another lane and try to gank. It's a critical mistake and they are about lose a couple turrets, they just don't know it yet. But if a have a couple kills, I'm usually perceived as a threat and my global Teemo taunt remains activated. (Edit: My current build needs 17k since I try for Triforce now, but position remains the same, just a slight tweak) ** 8. Keep in mind my schrooms have an AE slow even though they don't do much damage and are decent wards. ** I've seen many running from an enemy, if they were to only alter their trajectory slightly and hit the schroom, it would slow and allow them to escape certain death. Conversely, I've seen partners afraid to push, even when I had every possible avenue warded. Be sure to use the tools the Captain gives you.

**9. Fun fact update. ** I've been reported for "negativity" and "verbal abuse" so many times after posting this URL before games, that I'm currently on chat restriction for 11 games. Before that it was 49 games, then before that it was 25 games, then after that it was 30 games. It's funny to me that a Teemo who doesn't type is now banned from chatting. Shouldn't affect my gameplay style but cracks me up! It is a bummer though, because I do like to compliment the other team on a great gank, or when the jungler pulls of a nice move. But all chat is restricted so I can't say jack. Other than that, could care less I guess. (Edit: Since this post 7 months ago, my chat restrict has now reached almost 600 games, there is a screenshot posted of it below, amazing)

10. Spamming the other team to get me reported won't work. Breaking the meta isn't a bannable offense. And trust me, the other team understands my tactics much better than you do, and feels the pressure I command on them. I can't be forced to conform to your standards and follow your rules. Better ragers than you have tried, and banning me hasn't worked in 3000 games, and it won't work with yours. Just learn to enjoy your game and quit being so negative, you'll get further in life not being such a downer.

Now for the Q&A section.

Q: Why do you take smite during champ select, then swap it at the last second? You tricked me! A: I think smite is a huge waste of time, except for like a WW, Yi, or Hec who can solo objectives. but mostly it's a crutch that serves no useful purpose. And once I get Hurricane, I'll take all the jungle minions anyways. So I try to "force" a 2 lane top/mid combo. Although I never call a lane or really care either way. I've found going solo lane, I'm no match for the enemy champ and feed too much early on. So being paired with another helps out a lot. I try not to take any farm and keep the enemy positioned so they don't get ahead XP wise. Then about 16 mins in I can start hardcore roaming and pushing lanes. It does fail pretty often. Half the time we can bully them out of lane. About 20% of the time, the enemy can withstand us, like a Xerath, Nasus, or Ziggs who can just farm under turret. About 10% of the time, my companion will rage quit, leave lane or try to do jungle without smite, lol. And sometimes they have a very good jungler who can perform a flawless gank and get both of us. But the majority of the time it works perfectly. Most people with open minds quickly understand the advantage of a 2v1 lane. There are some exceptions as noted.

**Q: Why do you sneak this link in after everyone has picked their chars? Why not do it right off, so I have a better chance to avoid you? A: **During dodges, players on my team frequently end up on the other team next roundup. If the other team knows they can ban Teemo and give our team an instant loss, that's a pretty huge thing. I try to avoid this from happening.

Q: Why don't you talk at all during champ select?

A: Simply put, no need. I only play Teemo one way, unless I'm forced to do something else. And I like to set the expectation that I won't be chatting or interacting with the constant arguments that infest this game. I don't even watch champ select or even care. I'll go Teemo any lane and perform to the best of my limited ability. That's it.

**Q: Please don't mute me, I'm not going to rage at you like that top lane guy. And I would prefer to be able to convey very important information to you later on in the game.

A:** Apologies, you have already been muted. I find the people who ask me not to mute them end up being the worst ragers later on. making exceptions to my rules, I almost always regret it later on.

Q: What are your general plans? A: I like to scout out blue, then try to gank mid. Then I go to my assigned lane and try to farm Hurricane. Look for any opportunity to hit turrets, even a couple taps is good. Then push push push and try to avoid ganks. After hurricane, I either get lifesteal for sustain or Avarice blade to enhance my farm. Then upgrade my speed to escape ganks, or attack speed to enhance pushing. I nearly always end up with the same exact build, just approach it different ways depending on the circumstances.

Q: What characters do you end up feeding the most? A: Oh hands down, it's Panth, Malph, Yi, GP, Fizz, Akalie, Yasuo, Jarv, Ahri, Fiora, Riven, Kayle, Talon, Urgot, or Syndra. 2nd only to those would be when I'm forced to go bot against any ADC. Their supreme range just picks me apart, I have to go back too often, get behind and start snowball feeding. I should also note Ryze and Nidalie, they don't usually kill me outright, but can bully me so hard out of the lane it's ridiculous.

Q: Why did you say "No lane required, roaming" during champ select. A: This is to give you a heads up that I'm not a serious player and using unorthodox tactics. Also I can go into any lane and don't have a preference. My favorite games are when we don't have a jungle and can push 2 top or mid, like against a Nasus, Fiora, GP, Fizz, Tryn, Kat, or anyone who doesn't have a strong early wave clear. They will lose a tower or I can prevent them from getting exp or CS with my stealth poking. This then forces their jungle to babysit and causes lots of problems for the enemy team. However, I play how I want and if someone on our team wants to jungle, I'm fine with that as well. Whatever they find most enjoyable. So saying this at champ select let's them dodge, or make other plans, not expect me to be an AP Teemo top doing normal Teemo stuff.

Q: What's your least favorite position? A: For sure support. The ADC and I fight for CS, their ADC pokes the **** outta me. I've even noticed our ADC just give up and start feeding or rage quit a couple times. They have such a sense of entitlement their little brains can't handle it. They short circuit.

Q: Why do you do this? A: It's slow at work pretty often, I play to pass the time.

Q: Why not go AP? A: This build is more fun than any other build I've tried. Even losing a game, I'll have some great chases through the forest from a team of 5 chars that can kill me in one hit. I'll escape and survive!... Or I won't... But the chase is quite the thrill and the best part of the game.

Q: Why rush hurricane, that thing sucks! A: One of my main disadvantages is range. Especially when I'm against a good "poker" type. Not sure the actual numbers, but it feels like hurricane gives a 30% increase in my attack range. That little extra range lets me farm more effectively and clear faster. It makes a huge difference in how close I have to get to the enemy. This is more important than any single item in the game for me.

**Q: Why did you have to be on my team I'm taking this game very serious. A: **Apologies, I just play to have fun, and winning isn't as important as having fun.

Q: But to me winning is everything, you're ruining my fun by not doing a professional build like the pros do. A: I believe that ELO will balance my skill level with this build to others of similar skill level. So if I play worse it will drop me down to a lower skill level then you and your "supreme" build will leave me in the dust. therefore we will not meet again. If however, our skill levels are the same, we shall play a lot of games together.

Q: Why don't you play normals, why ranked? A: Normals are too hard or too easy. Rarely a fair fight. I'm frequently matched with players who greatly exceed my skill level, or players who I greatly exceed. I've found with ranked I have more balanced games. This is much more enjoyable for me.

**Q: You have 500 ranked Teemo games, why do you suck so bad? A: **I don't know. If only you weren't on mute you could let me know.

Q: You have 600 Ranked Teemo games yet you are still Silver 3-5, damn you suck. A: I'm only out of bronze by sheer luck and the # of games played. Apologies that you and I have the same ELO. I can see you're a pro and I'm not.

Q: You have 1000 Teemo games, but your KDA is crap, you lose more games than you win, and any other analytic I can pull up on you is garbage. A: I also have a small penis. I mention this because you sound like a person who checks out other guys junk in the gym showers. You like to compare and feel better about yourself, extremely insecure . So by giving you this information, I have just made your day. You're welcome!

Q: Why do you play Teemo so much, why not another char? A: I used to be really into Poppy. I loved smashing a guy up against the wall and then bashing his face in, right under his turret, and finally walking away unscathed. Then I got bored of this game and went on to another. But one night (screwing around drunk) playing with some friends I discovered this build. And nothing beats the adrenaline rush of 5 people trying to chase you down and escaping that Teemo provides. Nothing. I might go a couple games without getting it, and getting shutdown horribly, but that is a small price to pay for the next game where my tactics perform flawlessly. That "rush" is the only excitement this game provides for me. Plus I play at work and if I boot up something like Space Engineers, the whole office will start playing with me and pretty soon the whole day has gone by and nothing has gotten done. So a quick 35-45 min game here and there is nice and a good reminder cause it actually ends.

Q: I was in a series and couldn't dodge you, I'm mad. A: Apologies, better luck on your next game.

Q: What are the most times people have dodged queue with you, in a row? A: 7

Q: What is your current feedback ratings? A: 166 Friendly, 101 Helpful, 701 Teamwork, 476 Honorable Opponent. Probably pushing 3000 total games played but not sure how to tell for certain.