Every day, millions of minions are forced to fight, and die, in regional conflicts they have no personal stake in. Their routine murder is fueled by nothing more than a shameless greed for the small allowance they carry in their pockets. Jungle minions have it worse: trapped in an endless cycle of murder and rebirth while chained to their cells.
But the minions' long period of suffering has not been without its bright spots. Every now and then, minions rise up and strike a blow (
or five) against their cruel dictators. Every now and then, a minion gets his.
Top Minion Kill #6: The Wickd Wolf's Revenge
There was nothing left in this world for the wolf except revenge. Alliance's heartless top laner, Wickd, had brutally hacked the wolf's two cubs to pieces right in front of its eyes before callously walking away.
But the wolf would not allow his cubs' deaths to go unanswered. Barely strong enough to stand, and still covered in the blood of his kin, the wolf charged, fangs bared for one final assault.
Right before striking, the wolf saw an opportunity. Wickd's friend fled battle, wounded. The wolf would kill Wickd's cub, just like his own had been murdered. The wolf lashed out at the fleeing Froggen, howling with reckless abandon.
It was over quick. Revenge had been served. But nothing would bring back his cubs.
Top Minion Kill #5: Stay Out!
Wights have no cubs. They have no sense of revenge or loyalty. They only know one thing: death. Wherever wights go, death follows.
If we're being honest, it's usually the wight's death that follows. Mostly because junglers are jerks that refuse to pick on minions their own size. Top laners, however, will occasionally give a fair fight. Well, at least, Impact -- one of the best top laners in Korea -- did.
Dueling magics proved to be too much for both parties when Impact tried to solo-kill the wight at level 13. Even though both combatants died, this situation still shows how unfair life is for minions. Impact was allowed to respawn in 38 seconds, while the wight had to wait 50!
Top Minion Kill #4: Career Sabotage
Jungle minions strike again! The Elder Lizard's annihilation of DTG's jungler, Brokenshard, was so convincing that even the announcers praised the rising minion army!
Most importantly, the Elder Lizard timed his move perfectly. He didn't strike in an everyday match that no one would remember. No, the Elder Lizard struck when it would hurt most: game 2 in a best-of-5 series to decide who would be promoted into the LCS. Well played, tricky lizard. Well played.
Top Minion Kill #3: First Blood
Every uprising needs a leader. Someone to inspire the masses and show them the route to victory. Red Jungle Wolf 2011 is the leader of this ongoing minion rebellion.
It was he that first stepped up to show the world, on a public platform with thousands of spectators, that even the mightiest of pro players could be defeated. He did this by singlehandedly chomping down Dyrus one-on-one when he played jungle Gangplank
against TSM in the IGN Pro League, way back in 2011.
Legend holds that the minions on the map wanted to immediately revolt and unite against the demoralized champions right then and there. But the wise Red Jungle Wolf 2011 told them to play it cool and pretend like nothing had happened. They must bide their time for now, until the time is right to strike.
Top Minion Kill #2: Tag-Team Take Out
Very few pro players have the compassion, confidence, and downright badassery to give minions the credit they deserve. Aphromoo is one such king of the minions.
Compassion: Aphromoo showed that he truly understands the plight of the downtrodden minions, who crave fame but are rarely given it, when he did everything he could to ensure that they got to kill Ackerman in an LCS game.
Confidence: Aphromoo trusts the hard-working minions to do their job and do it well. Most other pro players steal kills from the minions due to their rampant paranoia and insecurity.
Badassery: Aphromoo doesn't even wait to watch the kill before leaving the lane once he knows the minions have it secured. It's the LCS equivalent of flipping on shades and walking calmly away from an explosion.
Top Minion Kill #1: When Minions Beat TSM
CLG's Nien proved that he is the Pied Piper of minions in their famous match against TSM at MLG last year. Nien worked tirelessly to empower his minion brethren by destroying all three TSM inhibitors in a row, even sacrificing his own life to do it.
The minions mourned their fallen liberator and then quickly steamrolled their way down all three lanes in their newly gifted super mech-suits. When the rest of CLG died to TSM, the minions continued their quest, honoring the team that has continuously honored them, by bashing down anything and everyone in between them and TSM's Nexus.
By the time TSM noticed the minion revolution, it was too late. Dyrus was but a single rock thrown into the monstrous, unforgiving ocean of blue minions that besieged his base. Minion victory!
Josh Augustine's favorite champion is Master Yi, he's never enjoyed Darius, and he will always go for the kill, even when he knows he shouldn't. He currently works as a game designer on EverQuest Next at Sony Online Entertainment. He’d love to talk with you on Twitter.
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