Launcher is retarded

I don't know how to help you but I'll update because the launcher does seem to have some problem stating you're offline? That doesn't even make any sense as you're trying to log in.

First of all have you tried resetting your computer/router. That usually helps. After that (This will take a while if you do it) click the gear in the upper right corner of your launcher, and go to General and click "Initiate full repair"

IE needs access to internet & your clock must be properly set, we're still in '99s as far as this crap goes