Humble, Positive Coach Looking for Team with Same

Hey there! First, let's get out all the reasons why you wouldn't want me as your coach.

1. I've been playing league for less than a year.
2. I've never coached a ranked team before.
3. I've never played on a ranked team before.
4. I'm bronze 5 and I lose more games than I win.

Looking pretty bleak, but here's the good stuff.

1. The reason I'm ranked so lowly is because my goal is to get a ranked win with every champ this season, and I'm too impatient to master champs in team builder before taking them to ranked. I also wasn't inclined to level up or buy a smurf accont. Currently at 53/123. My honest assessment of my skills is that I would be a gold player, maybe P5. We'll find out after I reach my goal of a win with every player! (I've got a 62.2% win rate on my main, Annie, across 37 games). But I think all this is besides the point. A coach's job isn't to be good, it's to bring out the best in their athletes. They need to know what great looks like, they need to show the path to those who have the potential to be great, but they don't have to walk it themselves.
2. I stay pretty informed. I have watched at least the highlights of every EU/NA LCS match this season, and many full games and commentary. I've also watched all the PTL episodes. Of course, I read all the patch notes and watch whatever videos Riot releases. All that to say, I'm reasonably informed about the competitive meta, and what's working and for whom (and what's not).
3. I'm a coder (formerly a professor of game and mobile app development), and am interested in developing propriety tools using the API to gain greater insights into team and individual performance.
4. I'm 34 years old, smart, and mature with a lot of leadership experience in business and non-eSports, and life experience in general. To me, the 2 most important ingredients on a team are a willingness to constantly improve, and creating a positive environment where your teammates have fun and feel safe admitting their weaknesses. If you're looking for a "Whiplash" experience, keep looking. ;)
5. Though not a requirement, I'm particularly interested in teams that have an uncommon tie. All girls, all paraplegics, all gluten free, whatever.
6. For very high level teams, I'd consider an assistant coach or analyst position to prove I can add value.

If you're interested, reach out. I don't think the boards have a notification option, so if you want a timely reply, catch me via email at noah AT noahdyer DOT com, or on twitter @pinkfedora. (If they do have a notification option, someone please tell me where it is.)