A Thorough Critique of Zoe's Color Story

Disclaimer: From the get-go, everything but Zoe's kit was anathema to me. That's beside my point though.

I'm not sure what happened here, but the color story was very noticeably below normal Riot writing standards. I'm hoping that whoever wrote the story - I don't care who, nor does it really matter if they post or identify themselves or whatever - sees this post, because the color story would have been the best part to properly characterize Zoe's trickster aspects, but falls short completely.

This is going to be a long one, so I'll just get to it.

The moment she thought of the cake store, Zoe dove into the air, surrendering herself to gravity. While falling, she reached out with her consciousness to form a gateway. Instantly, a portal opened beneath her and connected to the other place. She fell into the gate. Her mass collided and imploded as she traveled.

This is the first paragraph. Can you figure out where Zoe is?

The cake store is not described at all. Not even a token description of, say, its blue walls, its huge windows, or its giant roof. Not just that, but Zoe's current location is a complete unknown. We can't even begin to imagine where this is taking place because we're not given anything for our imaginations to latch on to. The best we get is that Zoe is in the air. Somewhere.

This lack of description is foreshadowing one of the major setbacks that plague the story. Expect to see this flaw crop up multiple times.

It kinda tickles.

I'm bringing this one-liner up because it specifically indicates Zoe's thoughts. This means we're not running with a third-person omniscient narrator, but a third-person restricted narrator - Zoe. That's important, because it lets us see these thoughts more precisely.

Just remember this bit.

Unfortunately, Zoe did not appear at her intended destination. Instead, she emerged from a second portal only a dozen strides away, propelled through the air by the momentum of her previous fall. Then, after a brief moment of equilibrium, she was pulled back into the second portal. Again, time and space twisted around her—all swooshy-like, as she would describe it—before flopping her back at the starting point. Both portals then folded into space and disappeared.

Do you remember where Zoe was? Trick question - Zoe's location wasn't described. We're still lost in our mental reconstruction of this scene as Zoe fails to go anywhere and ends up at the empty void she was at before.

This sets up an obstacle - Zoe has some pretty big powers, but her portal was blocked. This should be pretty interesting to us. Let's see if it pans out.

A powerful magic was distorting Zoe’s ability to travel. It probably related to whatever change she was supposed to herald, and, obviously, she hadn’t succeeded yet. It was a problem, but not an unfamiliar one. She wasn’t really sure what the message was, who it was for, or even what it meant, but, in her experience, those details rarely mattered. The holy mathematics wanted to advance, and the messages generally fell into place shortly after she arrived. Zoe felt that was a pretty cool advantage of being an aspect.

Oh. Well. Nuts.

Personal opinion - playing coy with details like this is the single most frustrating thing you can do as a writer, especially with League's lore and how hungry we as a fanbase are for answers. Amumu's lore confirmed nothing at all, being a choose-your-own-legend deal, which did nothing at all to really cement him as a proper character in the universe.

Here, it teases at something that's not going to come out/be revealed for an indefinite amount of time. Not cool. She can't even identify the source of this "powerful magic"? At least give us a bone here.

Of course, there was now the question of what to do while she waited. Zoe glanced around. Beside a nearby tree, she spotted a small, fuzzy creature with a huge tail. It looked similar to a tiny yordle, though Zoe noted how this creature’s connection to the spirit world was comparatively miniscule.

It's "minuscule", by the way.

Our featureless void location thing now has a tree nearby. That does...less than you'd want it to, actually - we STILL don't know Zoe's actual location here at all. We know there's a tree, and we can extrapolate the area is probably grassy or something, but that's still not enough to go on for the full picture.

Is it a squirrel? I bet it's a squirrel. It's probably a squirrel. I know it's actually some sort of made-up creature that exists just for this color story to make the world sound more fantastical than it really has to be, when it's just a squirrel with the proportions changed.

I'll note that Zoe taking attention of the connection to the spirit world is an interesting bit that shows she's more observant than what the backstory would lead you to believe. That's good - the backstory painted an incredibly unflattering picture of her, but I digress.

The small animal’s life-pattern flashed in Zoe’s brain. It would live only a dozen rotations before returning its spirit. To her, the brevity of its life made it more adorable. Zoe jumped up and ran toward it.

“So cute!”

The tiny animal scrambled up the tree away from her.

“Hey, come back!” she pouted.

Why?

This is the underlying question here. Why does its short lifespan make it adorable to Zoe? Why does she yell out "So cute!"? Why does the animal immediately scramble away, and why is she surprised at this turn of events?

The obvious answer - "Zoe's just a teenage girl!" - makes Zoe come off terribly, by the way. Maybe I'm missing something, but I can imagine your average teenage girl, even the most whimsical, spirited one, would exercise enough self-control to avoid squealing at an animal, and enough self-awareness to realize the issue with that. By going with this exchange at all, Zoe is portrayed as extraordinarily childish - we're talking kindergarten levels here. That's not a good portrayal of your character.

So is there another answer I'm missing here that would avoid that trap?

Without slowing her pursuit, Zoe created a time bubble, turning it only half a planet’s rotation, before launching it at the tree. The anomaly bounced before bursting against the tree’s trunk.

It's described as a pursuit, but Zoe is described as "pouting". That particular word implies Zoe gave up and is complaining about it. Describing a pursuit contradicts the implied imagery.

Also, how would Zoe continue her pursuit? The squirrel ran up the tree. How is Zoe moving here? Running, right? Well, while she's an aspect of Targon, she's not a ninja, so how is she running up a tree? Floating? Flying? Why wasn't that described in her movement earlier?

"Turning it only half a planet's rotation" is a particularly meaningless phrase to the reader, given that the mechanics of her time bubble are a mystery. Instead of using such an obtuse descriptor, you would be better served with something more direct, like, say, setting it to trap for half a day.

For a second, the cute animal’s past merged with the present. The night sky overtook the area, and twilight butterflies pulsed around it. The small creature fell into the tired, restful sleep of the previous evening, as its past’s spiritual and mental state overwhelmed its current consciousness.

Hold up. This is a bubble - a localized area of effect - but the night sky overtook the area? What area? The area inside the bubble? The area outside the bubble? If it's the latter, that's not logically possible. If it's the former, why isn't it clarified?

I do love this description of the sleep effect though. It's simultaneously overwhelming and peaceful.

Zoe ignored gravity for a moment, floated up into the branches, and came to a stop beside the tiny animal. Her hand hesitated above its downy fur. She knew the moment she touched the creature, her spell would break.

Oh good, she does float. Not much to say here - this is pretty decent.

“Zoe is a friend,” she whispered. But when she caressed the tiny animal’s head, it burst awake and dove away from her in a panic.

I'll cherish this defeat since it slightly softens the blow of a later event.

With a disappointed moan, Zoe floated a bit higher before flipping upside down. She considered visiting Aurelion Sol after she finished here. The dragon didn’t like being petted either. But, she thought, he was easier to catch without harming. This notion vanished as, thanks to her new altitude, Zoe saw past the hills and spotted a village on the horizon.

Funny you should mention Aurelion Sol, actually. ASol also went and traveled over a huge expanse of areas when he was summoned by Pantheon in his own color story. We know this because ASol took the time to describe all of these areas so we, y'know, knew where and what they are.

Where's Zoe?

The relationship with ASol is emblematic of an unfortunate trend in Riot's current lore paradigm where they shoehorn connections into popular champions in an attempt to transfer their popularity to that new character. Note, if you will, Xayah, Rakan, and Kayn all being related to Zed. Note also Jhin's relation to Zed and Shen - better done, mind, but still there.

This is bad because neither Zoe nor ASol is really defined by their connection to each other. It's utterly pointless - in fact, this is the only time you'll see ASol mentioned in this story. It's not worth bringing up.

Also, at long last a description of her future location - a village past some hills. Not a lot, but we can work with this.

She willed a portal to the town into existence and dove into it. But, again, Zoe was only able to create a gate to a few yards away. Worse, it collapsed upon itself, as before, and pulled her back to her starting point.

Why? It was just established she couldn't travel through portals. Why does she do it again?

Remember how it's third-person restricted? This would be a GREAT time to get Zoe's input here.

The summer grass did seem inviting, so with no better option, she walked through the forest to the village.

Twelve paragraphs in, we finally find that Zoe was apparently in a forest. Information too late for the reader to use in a meaningful fashion.

She arrived at the outskirts of the walled town as the sun began to set. Hearing laughter, she dismissed gravity for a second and floated up to one of the village’s rooftops.

You can't describe a village as a walled town. Those imply two different sizes entirely.

In the center courtyard, a half dozen mortals were playing. They were almost exactly Zoe’s size, unlike the children or adults she had encountered more recently in her tour of the planet.

Even with someone as alien as Zoe, using size as a comparator is bizarre. It's also too simplistic, and doesn't build up enough of a description. Again.

One of the males chased a female around in a circle. Both were laughing. The rules of the game were unclear.

Even with someone as alien as Zoe-

No, hold up. Zoe can acknowledge squirrels as cute, but can't acknowledge boys and girls? That's a little TOO out there.

Even if the rules of the game are unclear, surely there can be a better descriptor of this play than just a boy chasing a girl around in a circle. There's six of them, what are the others doing?

Zoe focused on the girl’s beautiful red dress—wondering if the coloration represented something. Even if it wasn’t a part of the game, Zoe liked it. The girl seemed taller than the other females, and Zoe felt the girl might know things she needed to learn.

There's a bunch of vague stuff here that's irritating but nothing too egregious.

The male was also interesting, but in a completely different way. She could tell his current incarnation would be short lived, but Zoe suspected it would be amazing if he chased her. There was something wonderful about his chin and the shape of his lips.

...like? Come on, we're in Zoe's head here. Give us some more details. Even if she's childish, there's got to be a particular thing there.

I'm also not sure what's going on with Zoe "suspecting" this outcome. That's not the right word - you're looking for "imagined". The boy is not part of a criminal investigation, he's physically appealing. Word choice matters a lot when it comes to setting the scene.

She swallowed nervously. It had, after all, been a very long time since Zoe was a mortal or had even visited this realm. She was strangely worried the group wouldn’t accept her, and she would be left out of whatever they were playing.

Ooh. A flaw! This is good - this gives us something we can latch on to and connect. Loneliness in particular is really easy to empathize with.

Two of the other boys, decidedly less interesting ones, began kicking a ball between themselves. This game, Zoe remembered.

Emboldened by this connection, Zoe swooped down from the rooftop to the middle of the group.

“Hi!” she said, while turning the base of her hair into a color that mimicked the tall female’s dress.

Descriptions, please! Kicking a ball between themselves isn't good enough on its own, given that we don't even know what region we're in, let alone any of Runeterra's sports or traditional games. This is a wasted chance to further develop Runeterra's culture.

“A spirit,” the interesting boy said with wide eyes. Then he screamed, “Run!”

Zoe felt she should point out she was an aspect rather than a spirit, but she was uncertain if his cry was part of the other game’s rules.

“Actually, I’m here with a message. But if you wanted to play, I have plenty of time,” she said, as she launched after them.

Then she flew, as casually as she could, alongside the tall girl.

“Your red outfit is so cool! Does the color mean something?” Zoe asked. But her attempt at starting a conversation hardly mattered. As she spoke, the tall girl was pulled into a house by the interesting boy. He then slammed the heavy, wooden door shut, blocking Zoe’s path.

This is pretty good stuff. It describes Zoe's now-justified alienness by her divergent thought processes and priorities and her obliviousness to herself. I can appreciate this.

Zoe glanced around, discovering the other mortals had similarly disappeared, but a commotion could be heard coming from a keep near the center of the town.

After a moment, a dozen men in armor came running toward Zoe with spears. They reminded her of Pantheon’s weapon.

Local guardians, she surmised.

Not much to say here - obvious fight setup is obvious. This should be great - even the obvious curbstomps like with Quinn and Wukong were described pretty well. Even then though, I'd like to note that this would be a great time to explain what Zoe's thinking and why she's going to take these next actions.

Assuming she was a spirit, they screamed warnings, while their leader attempted a banishing spell. It was a very good spell, in Zoe’s opinion, but not one she wanted. She wondered if, perhaps, spirits frequently plagued the town.

Okay, sure, except how come Zoe's not talking back at this point? She had a message, right? What happened to that?

When the men began throwing their weapons at Zoe, she manifested an arcane meteor and sent it on a flight path around the keep. Then, the twilight girl created a pair of portals to dodge the guardian’s spears, before finally redirecting the shooting star at her attackers.

This.

This is the worst paragraph in the entire story.

It starts with them throwing their weapons. Because of how that's written, we can imagine one is in the air already. That's BAD - Zoe's first action is NOT to dodge, but to make this arcane meteor of indefinite mass and velocity in an indefinite amount of time. That means, by all rights, Zoe should get hit.

If you're thinking "But she could have dodged during that!", the next sentence starts with "Then". Besides being a poor choice of word to start a sentence, that strictly implies a sequential course of actions. That means that she has to make the arcane meteor first before doing any defensive action. That should rightfully mean getting hit.

Describing Zoe as the "twilight girl" is a meaningless epithet given that "twilight" has not come up in the story at all, but that's not quite as bad as creating a pair of portals, because there's absolutely no explanation how these portals dodge the guardians' attack (and you want guardians', not guardian's, as I presume one guardian is not able to throw a dozen spears) . The only way you'd know this is by playing the game - except this lack of description doesn't even clarify that for us.

We've also gone from arcane meteor to shooting star. Which is it? One of them is comparable to a rune we can choose. The other has its own connotations and implications - specifically, size. Shooting stars are easy to imagine as small. Meteors, not as much. Which is it?

Also, this is the fight scene in its entirety. The next part is the aftermath. Yeah, it ended that fast. This is actually terrible, not just because of the lack of descriptions, but because this is a fighting style that would remind one of Xerath or Ziggs or Syndra - utter obliteration. This is NOT a trickster fighting.

This paragraph more or less sums up everything wrong with the story - poor descriptors and rushed scenes ruin any hope of connection or imagination.

The meteor’s impact created an implosion, causing a chain reaction with the small particles it had gathered while flying, which resulted in a secondary explosion that thundered through the guards and their tower—annihilating the area into a fine dust.

Our "hero". I hope you weren't trying to imply Zoe was heroic in any fashion.

By the way, an implosion implies that it pulled and collapsed everything inwardly. A solitary yet large kinetic impact like a meteor isn't capable of that - an explosion would be a better descriptor, but you're probably looking for a shockwave or something. If that's not an error, then the real error is not clarifying how this creates an implosion - once again, a failure of not describing things.

“Hello?” Zoe asked as the clouds of destruction whirled around her. She wondered if the tall girl or the interesting boy had run away. It seemed likely.

Momentarily dispirited, Zoe decided to visit a larger mortal settlement next. It seemed like someone might be willing to play with her at that sort of location.

Personal gripe: this level of childishness doesn't make for an endearing character. Zoe seems too immature mentally to comprehend anything, but should by all rights be old enough to understand the magnitude of what just happened as well as the improbability of running away from a 5-second meteor smash from inside a locked house. Maybe it would have been nice to describe if the Aspect of Twilight had any side-effects.

Zoe remembered where a... city had been a few thousand years ago. On instinct and despite her previous failures, she willed a portal to it. And she was pleasantly surprised when a gateway opened to her intended destination.

“Oh cool!” she said, happy to be able to travel again, and eager to deliver her next message.

Descriptions, PLEASE! What city? What message is she delivering anyways? A meteor? It wasn't even remotely hinted within this encounter what her message is, nor why she didn't try to address the guardians.

As Zoe stepped out of reality, she wondered if the new crater would lead some mortals to find the World Rune that was nearby. The tall girl or that interesting boy might even be the ones to discover it.

It would probably be funny if they did, she decided.

This is the second-worst paragraph in the story for casually revealing the existence of a World Rune - a magical WMD - and then abandoning it for no reason. It might show how detached Zoe is from reality, but we've already gleaned that from the rest of the interactions here, so adding the World Rune does nothing to the story. If anything, it makes Ryze out to be very inept by extension - there was a World Rune just more or less out there in plain sight instead of being hidden away or safeguarded or actively wielded.

It also confirms that Zoe isn't heroic in the slightest. That's fine, except the overall tone here is trying really, really hard to get us to sympathize and connect with Zoe. This isn't possible - she just meteored a tower, left a WMD lying around, and thinks it'd be funny if one of the teens picked it up.

Overall, the story is noticeably lacking in many areas. We get a rough characterization of Zoe, but we're missing too many details into why she's doing what she's doing. The events here are more or less meaningless, save for the arbitrary discovery of the World Rune (possibly as a cop-out to explain why she couldn't portal - you need to hint at this stuff better early on to have any payoff). The places described are nebulous due to a lack of descriptors. The fight starts and ends almost instantly, relying on your own personal knowledge of Zoe's kit instead of properly describing things in a logical fashion.

And most importantly, Zoe's not really a trickster. Whimsical, sure, but if you were to show me this story and say "Isn't she a great trickster?", I'd immediately think of Loki, of how he conned his way in numerous clever ways, and immediately reject the notion. Nothing Zoe does is clever. Nothing Zoe does is truly playful. Nothing Zoe does is particularly "tricky". From the outside perspective, this strange girl shows up in defiance of physics, changes her hair color, and then drops a meteor on some faces. What part of this would get associated with a trickster in any mythology? More importantly, what differentiates her from, say, Syndra? Xerath? Ziggs on a bad day? That I can even draw these comparisons shows how poorly Zoe's characterization as a trickster is handled.

This could have gone places, but this story seems horribly mismanaged. I hope the writer sees this and takes note for future writing.