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[Champion Concept] Umbra, the Possessed Explorer

ExpStealer·2/16/2018, 7:17:03 AM·4 votes·675 views

Review on Angelica, the Forest Guardian

Name: Umbra Alias(es): the Possessed Explorer Gender & Race: Female Human (Half-Demon) Faction: None Residence: None Resource: Mana Weapon: 2 Short Swords Range: 125 Role(s): Jungler, Assassin

BASE STATS: Health: 450 (+ 70) = 1640 Health Regeneration: 5 (+ 0.5) = 13.5 Mana: 400 (+ 50) = 1250 Mana Regeneration: 3 (+ 0.5) = 11.5 Armor: 15 (+ 2) = 49 Magic Resistance: 30 (+ 0) Movement Speed: 340 Attack Speed: 0.70 (+ 4%) = 1.18 Attack Damage: 50 (+ 2) = 84

PASSIVE: Light & Darkness in One SHADOW FORM: In this form Umbra ignores terrain and unit collision, but cannot Recall, Teleport, Flash or use Stopwatch items.

HUMAN FORM: In this form basic attacks have on-hit Magic Damage, as follows:

1st BA: 10% AP 2nd BA: 20% AP 3rd BA: 30% AP + 5% of enemies hit's maximum Health. Deals damage in a 175 unit area around her.

Q: Dark Flow SHADOW FORM: Dark Flow deals 20% increased damage against terrified enemy champions if Umbra has avoided enemy vision for at least 5 seconds.

HUMAN FORM: Umbra unleashes a flow of shadow energy in an area in front of her, dealing 100/150/200/250/300 + (60% AP) Magic Damage to all enemies hit by it.

Cooldown: 20/19/18/17/16 seconds Cost: 65/70/75/80/85 Mana Human Form Area Width/Length: 175/600 Human Form Flow Speed: 800 u/s (reaches max range in 0.75 seconds)

W: Shadow Dancer SHADOW FORM: Umbra creates a shadow image of herself onto the targetted location within 450 - 1250 units of her, which screams and then disappears, terrifying all enemy champions facing it for 0.5 to 0.5/0.75/1/1.25/1.5 seconds, depending on the distance between Umbra and the enemy champion(s). This action does not toggle Shadow Form/Human Form off.

HUMAN FORM: Umbra leaves a shadow image of herself behind and dashes 450 units in the targetted direction. Cannot pass impassable terrain. The shadow image absorbs all instances of damage and CC aimed at Umbra at the moment she activates this ability, including dashes.

Cooldown: 12/11/10/9/8 seconds Cost: 30/35/40/45/50 Mana

E: Shadow Form/Human Form Umbra can switch between human and shadow form by toggling this ability - off for human form, on for shadow form. In shadow form Umbra gains new abilities and is invisible, but offensive actions toggle the ability off.

Cooldown: [Toggle] Cost: 50/55/60/65/70 Mana

R: Messenger of Doom Umbra jumps to an enemy champion, suppressing them for 1 second, while making a loud, global shriek. Deals 150/300/450 + (100% AP) Magic Damage at the end of the duration. Hard CC during the suppression will interrupt the ability. Applies on-hit effects.

In shadow form this ability will terrify all enemy champions in 900 range for 2 seconds on-cast if Umbra has remained unseen from enemy vision for at least 5 seconds.

In human form this ability heals Umbra for 10/15/20% of her maximum Health over 5 seconds if it kills its target.

Cooldown: 180/120/60 seconds Cost: 100/150/200 Mana Cast Range: 175 units

LORE: Centuries ago, when much of Runeterra was still Terra Incognita, there lived a young and ambitious Noxian explorer, named Liandry. She had dared to venture to places where no one else would dare step into. She took risks, some of them foolish, but brought Noxus strength, wealth and territory through some of her discoveries. As time passed what used to be a curious young girl turned into a tough and reckless commander, driven only by her ambitions, but one that would never hurt an innocent creature.

The legends of Runeterra say that on one of her expeditions she found a deep cave and that she and the squad she was given command of never returned home. The scouts sent to find out what happened only reported every soldier dead with their bodies sucked dry of blood. Their faces were the definition of pure terror and there wasn't even a trace of Liandry or whatever was in the cave, save for a pale leather mask with two tears, that seemed to never go dry.

Now the legends speak of the demonic assassin by the name of Umbra. A reckless, bloodthursty shadow dancer, who terrorizes her prey for her own amusement before she finally reveals herself at the peak of their terror to finish them off with a final strike, accompanied by a shriek that can be heard from miles away and startle even the fearless. She can sometimes be heard crying, alone, with a human voice, but as soon as she senses your presence she vanishes from sight. Some say those are the moments when Liandry, Umbra's true self, comes to the surface and sobs over the deaths of everyone she has killed under Umbra's possession - just another way for the demon controlling her to amuse itself.

VOICE LINES: PICK: They say whenever I laugh someone is about to die [laughter] BAN: [unintelligeable scream]

MOVEMENT: Let's go, Liandry. Ah, can you smell it, Liandry? Freedom! [laughter] Terror Incarnate. I like the sound of that. All roads lead to Hell.

ATTACKING: Once I was tortured in a cave. Time to return the favor. Ah, another plaything [chuckle] I smell blood... I want a sip! Knock-knock. Who's there? Liandry. Liandry who? Liandry that will kill you!

KILLING: No! Why? [maniac laughter] Liandry, you're so amusing! This is so entertaining. Disappointing... Not for me, though! [laughter]

KILLING XAYAH AND/OR RAKAN: Love birds - Dead birds I knew you couldn't resist the invitation [laughter] Tastes like chicken...

KILLING AZIR: Dust to dust, eh Azir? Shurima, your Emperor has returned... To the grave [laughter]

KILLING KLED: I'm surprised you approve of this kill, Liandry. I wonder if that guy had blood or insanity flowing through his veins. Next time let Skaarl do the thinking - she's smarter than you [laughter]

KILLING EVELYNN: Too human to survive. Oops, sorry colleague, I thought you were human. That will teach her to stay outta my way!

KILLING A DEMACIAN: Liandry is pleased... That's the first.

KILLING VAYNE: The Night Hunter stumbled in the dark [chuckle] Too focused on finding Evelynn, huh? She should be thankful, Liandry - now she can meet her parents.

QUADRA KILL: They'd better run while they can!

PENTAKILL: I've killed so many. What's five more dead bodies? And the rivers shall flow red with blood...

ATTACKING A YORDLE (EXCLUDING KLED): You're so cute... I wonder if your blood is tasty too.

ATTACKING BRAND: You could've helped me to take revenge on this world. What a loss.

ATTACKING ANIVIA: Am I sending chills down your spine? Oh, wait...

KILLING NASUS: If Aurelion Sol is the Space Doggie, what was he? The Sand Doggie? [chuckle]

ATTACKING AURELION SOL: I heard Zoe calls you Space Doggie. Now I see why - you're so harmless [laughter]

14 Comments

Sir Jacks3/8/2018, 12:23:29 AM2 votes

Thematically she has too much resemblance with Kayn which does not make much sense, since the shadow arts although ancient are most prevalent in Ionia not Noxus which would need an explanation in the lore. Regarding the theme of explorer personally I would find it very interesting if the explorer were to be connected to Ezreal in some manner, seeing how they are both explorers.

Also her name Umbra would not be an ideal name; since Kayn already has an ultimate which uses a part of her name, called Umbral Trespass. Her passive resembles a mesh of Evelynn's old passive and Kayn's e which is far to powerful an ability considering this is a permanent out of combat ability. Which riot specifically changed Evelynn's passive as to not allow a champion to freely gain a passive invisibility lvl 1.

Also she just seems really weird, I mean not to say its not bad but... She has 2 abilities that is her screaming. Although the contrast that is a shadow demon infesting a human committing grave deeds whilst the human lives in a constant reprieve is interesting. Further definition of their relationship should be included. Such as why Liandry hasn't just killed her self, which since her character seems to be immortal for having lived so long should be one of the aspects further explored.

Lore The first sentence is very good a nice introduction, not too much but a nice setting and a bit of info on who Liandry is. However that is slaughtered by the ensuing sentences.

"She had dared to venture to places where no one else would dare step into. She took risks, some of them foolish, but brought Noxus strength, wealth and territory through some of her discoveries. As time passed what used to be a curious young girl turned into a tough and reckless commander, driven only by her ambitions, but one that would never hurt an innocent creature."

There is far too much happening with little to no explanation such as Why does she venture places no one else would? Why does Noxus care to even have adventures? What brought on her foolish behavior and in what way did she bring strength to Noxus? (saying "wealth and territory through some of her discoveries" is far to vague an explanation. Speaking of "wealth", too what quantity did she bring to Noxus, and what territory did she acquire in her explorations? Why would she acquire wealth and territory for Noxus? Also what is the nature of her discoveries?

These questions are only those that are brought up by the first 2 sentences. There is still the 2 most important aspects mentioned which are how she received the rank of commander and how she could be a reckless young girl driven by only her ambition whilst never hurting an innocent creature. "tough and reckless commander, driven only by her ambitions, but one that would never hurt an innocent creature"

This still does not mention the clunkiness in reading certain portions of the story such as "She had dared to venture to places where no one else would dare step into." Here its just cleaning up the sentence by cutting out the unnecessary double dare and would She had ventured to places where no one else dare step into. (adding the previous words does nothing for the story and only acts to add on your story's word count) By getting rid of any unnecessary words you create a more clean and crisp sounding sentence.

And then there is this "She took risks, some of them foolish, but brought Noxus strength, wealth and territory through some of her discoveries." She took risks, some foolish, but brought Noxus strength, wealth and territories through her discoveries. While seemingly not much of a change as the previous edits, it adds a much more coherent flow.

The rest of the lore falls victim to the same troubles, which is a lack of world building and story telling. In concerns to flow of the sentence its mostly good, I'm able to understand the text easily and a lot of the mistakes made in the first paragraph in terms of structure is good run-ons are present but I don't much mind them if they don't interrupt the reading horrendously I don't mind

Overall not bad concept, I like it

P.S. You let a typo through "A reckless, bloodthursty shadow dancer" Paragraph 3, Line 1

Spearlon2/16/2018, 7:39:16 AM1 votes

Don't get me wrong, it could be a champion one day. It's just not the kind of champions I like. Good luck though. Upvoted for visibility.

TheWizardM2/16/2018, 3:22:42 PM1 votes

Love the lore/character, but I think permanent invisibility is a bit much. Maybe make it so her shadow blinks every few seconds, or give her some other way to be revealed. Even though entering combat breaks it, I still think being able to cc someone for 1.5 seconds out of literally nowhere is a bit strong, if not annoying.