I just finished the first chapter in my Garen X Katarina fanfic

Snàrky·1/13/2019, 7:36:35 AM·1 votes·2,005 views

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13177052/1/A-Dream-of-Fire

This is the first story I've ever made public, and love to get some feedback, and some constructive criticism. It's just the first chapter but I'm almost done with the second already, which turned out even longer, just gotta proof read and refine it. Thanks in advance and hope you all like it.

Also, I used the current lore for this, but I took the liberty of making it my own in a way, so not everything may line up with how LoL is, and I put my own personal spin on the characters personalities, again, I'm totally open to any ideas you may have. https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13177052/1/A-Dream-of-Fire

7 Comments

Silly Neeko1/13/2019, 11:33:30 AM1 votes

I am writing this and trying to keep a relative order of where the stuff occurs in the story, so if i think of something ill put it as close as i can to the right area it should fit. It may cause some confusion though because my comments may seem to coincide with eachother even though they are seperate areas. For simple things ill just add in parentheses what i think makes it sound better (though, dont question some earlier stuff, this happens just on the last few). I put excessive spacing between the different critiques i have.

"Garen walked out of one of the buildings they used as their temporary command center, an old building, large, was probably used as some sort of gathering place, "

Probably could go to "garen walked out of one of buildings, a old large -insert possibly material of building?- that was probably used as some sort of gathering place." It would cut out come commas there and give a bit more detail. . . . "The Noxian military wasn't that impressive, but they were numerous, and the heroes that would usually be amongst their ranks bolstered them."

This line.... it bugs me. "The heros that usually are amongst their rank bolstered them" <sounds better, but to me atleast i am confused by the whole hero thing. Though it could be a good lead in to the briefing of who those heros might be (if it includes katarina for example). Otherwise, how does he know there are heros in the rank? The heros likely looked like any other soldier at first glance at the army. Unless her red hair was seen leading the army possibly? Ill let you work with that if you want. . . . How does Garen know Katarina's name? Was he briefed on who she was beforehand? Did she tell him? It seems odd that she is just known out of what feels like nowhere. . . . "not so unwelcoming" double negatives.... cringe . . . "it looked like as if she was dancing"

to "looked as if she were/was dancing" . . . "the grin that was usually smugly placed on her face was gone, a look of true fear in its place."

To "the grin that was usually smugly placed on her face was replaced by a look of true fear" or "the grin that was usually smugly placed on her face was gone and a look of true fear was in its place." . . . "No one noticed in the heat of battle"

To "no one noticed him/them" or "his hesitation" something along those lines feels like it needs added. After that possibly some minor changing of things to read something along the lines of

"No one noticed them in the heat of the battle, for the wind was carrying the screams of the other soldiers and the metalic tang of blood. Everyone too engrossed in keeping themselves alive in the absolute chaos the battle has become." (Wording can be changed as you see fit, this is just an example of wording i might use) . . . "Coppery scent of blood"

Most do not think of copper and blood together imo. "The metalic tang of blood" could work better.... but i do know that it kinda does smell and taste like a penny which most think is just copper (which after i think it was 1976 or so, it is not normally)... So it could work either way. . . . Throughout the part where garen is pinning katarina down, you kept switching between katarina and garens views in the same paragraph. It seems a little odd to me. You were in Garens point of view the entire time and then switched. . . . "And(this and needs removed) in his moment of hesitation,(this comma needs removed) she gripped his ankle and twisted it, " . . . "the Demacian Commander thought to himself, his hesitation to kill a Noxian assassin would (end up being... then remove the be after this)be his death." . . . "He began to rise but was met with a swift kick to the face that sent him on his back,(remove this comma) and now she was on(add space here)top of him, " . . . The darkness at the end seems too much like "the end". You can put after the dagger hitting him in the side of the head "causing darkness to envelope his sight and mind entirely." Or "leaving the conflicted look of the assassin as the last thing he sees before darkness envelops him" And leave it there, that way it has people questioning if/when there will be a continuence and makes a nice stopping point all in one.

(If you do something like the second one and mention conflicting, you might remove the "Her face showing confliction." From the paragraph above.)

Silly Neeko1/13/2019, 8:55:48 PM1 votes

Something i missed the first time through.... you said there was no large buildings, and yet then say garen left a large building. Perhaps say "one of the larger buildings" or perhaps earlier when you say no large building you can put something along the lines of " the buildings paled in comparison to the size of those in the capital" or something along those lines perhaps?

Silly Neeko1/14/2019, 7:25:04 AM1 votes

""Let's break camp in an hour." Garen stated halfheartedly.

"Yes sir."

As they approached the city halfway to the border, Garen was glad to see that they had made it in time. A wave of relief fell over him."

-- seems like a very sudden jump. You could put like a little demacian symbol there or a dot on a couple lines below it to emphasize that time had passed. . .

"could be a upon them at any minute now"

Remove the a . . "and they probably found out that he was able to take the"

Could read "and that they probably found" possibly . . "And as he predicted cresting the hill on the eastern side "

Best to avoid starting sentences or paragraphs with "and", because it usually reads just fine without it. . . "A horn rang out in the city and the Demacians scrambled to their positions, the Vanguard led by Garen moving to the very front of the formation just outside the eastern entrance."

Can put a period before the "the vanguard" and it seems to read better imo if you put "moved" instead of moving. Also, "that was lead" That way it sounds more like "the vanguard that was lead by garen moved to the very front" . . "loyal to what some would say to a fault."

Can remove the second "to" . . "But they were exhausted"

Could be better with "However, they were exhausted" . . "before pointing it towards the enemy force as they barreled towards them."

Possibly that last them changed to "him" . . "barely caught out of the corner of his eye, a particular red headed assassin"

Could lose the particular here . . "disbelief as Katarina ducked and rolled, "

She hasnt been introduced yet, if you put "disbelief as the assassin" then because of her moves, he was sure it had to be Katarina... which leads to the next paragraph. Which was a nice introduction for her. . . "He would put an end to it now."

He would put an end to what? While i know you are meaning Katarina and her reign of assassinating terror she has caused etc, the line there seems like there should be something more. . . "walked in a circle as the the verbal exchanged continued, "

Exchange, the d needs to come out. Also after that, but same paragraph theres "watched" that should be "watch" to make it seem more "in the moment" . . "fierce emerald eyes gazed into his own piercing blues, a grin that made him grip onto his blade a bit tighter forming on her face, with her teeth now covered in specks of blood.

Too many commas, ive noticed a few times where there is like 3 or 4 commas as my general rule of thumb i try my hardest not to go past 1 maaybe two... depending on how formal i am trying to get (there was one just before this but i was just going to suggest how to remove one in this portion) putting a period after the piercing blues, then saying something like "a grin formed on her face that made him grip his sword a bit tighter, her blood speckled teeth growing ever more visible " could start up the next sentence, cutting down on the commas. (A previous section was that of the large building, it had what i felt to be too many commas as well.)

Though it is understandable in some cases because what is between the commas are just additives that could in theory be taken out.... but pretty much all of my english teachers kept telling me that "if it isnt needed, take it out or change the sentence so it is needed so that it sounds better" so idk, i can go both ways here easily. . . "clash or parried to the side,"

Or was parried to the side . . "After only looking away for a moment, the assassin had disappeared into nowhere as he turned back"

The assassin disappeared into the shadows before he was able to turn back < something along this line possibly? Then after that "he walked back to the city with his guard up until he reached the city" < changed the before to until . . "After a few rounds around the city, and ensuring there was going to a proper watch for the night, Garen felt bad for those that had to stay up for the night after having no sleep before the battle. He was glad he was giving the orders."

This paragraph irks me in a few ways. 1st, the first sentence seems like it could use some work. "After a few rounds around the city and ensuring there was going to be a proper watch for the night, Garen started heading back to his quarters." < something along those lines possibly, otherwise it sounds too much like a run-on sentence.

2nd is what irks me the most of this paragraph.... he feels bad for his troops so he is glad he is giving the order for them to stay up? You could do something along the lines of "In a way he was glad he was giving the orders, because he felt bad for those who had to stay up all night again after being awake all the previous night and then fought in the battle ontop of it all. He would have stayed awake himself, if he felt his body would have made it the whole night through." Then he doesnt sound like he is valueing himself over the troops inwhich he feels bad for simply because he can order them to do it instead. . . "and and it's normal for masters of their craft"

Double and. They need to have a fight to the death so that only one and is left standing (to avoid confusion, i am saying remove an and) . . "His whole life he was taught to hate Noxians and he still does, he couldn't help but tense his jaw as he pictured her"

Feels like a "however" could fit after that comma. . . "but that coupled with the exhaustion has pushed..."

Has --> had (if you are refering to the previous battle still) . . Between the "garen must prove he is superior today and kill her" and the "once again the two nations collided in battle" paragraphs, there should be an indicator of some time lapse. . . "shouting commands inbetween bouts of fighting"

In between . . "but as his piercing blue eyes met with her eyes of fierce emerald"

Just make sure not to overuse the descripting words, this was used before and now becomes a little repetitive when they meet eyes again with his boot on her stomach. . . "into his knee where it was not protected by armor"

Again, repeated, you can change it up enough to not sound repeated by going "into an unarmored spot on his knee". . . Overall i like the changes that you made, figured id reread number 1 before going to number 2 though lol

Onto chapter 2!

Silly Neeko1/15/2019, 5:17:34 AM1 votes

"The Demacian Raptors were circling the battlefield from the sky, a force of armored riders mounted on giant eagles, a truly menacing foe but if they were here..."

You could put a period after eagles and it flows a little better. . . "leaning over and picking up his greatsword and used to help push himself to his wobbly feet"

This sentence reads a bit weird.... it feels like this could be its own sentence and then you can change some wording to make it flow better. Perhaps a period before it, then make it something like "he leaned over to pick up his greatsword and used it to push himself to his wobbly feet."? . . "Garen made his way through the sea of bodies lost in his thoughts until a familiar voice snapped him back to reality, he glanced upon the Golden Clad Prince charging towards him."

This sentence could be split. A period after the reality perhaps? It just seems to too much for one sentence. . . "He was so tired, he was sure the smack to his head must have given him a concussion."

Some transition word would help after the comma. . . "Garen was resting in tent put up for him when the prince arrived with the Demacian Standing army. His thoughts wandered to the outcome of the battle and whether or not his army was victorious before or after Jarvan's arrival."

Sudden transition in time again, "resting in** a **tent put up for him" . . "But he knew all too well how deadly Katarina was from stores he's heard."

Possibly a "though" instead of but or something, or remove the but and add at the end a "however" perhaps? Also.... "stories" your keys missed an i . . "Garen knew Jarvan IV since he was a child, not by coincidence either, their parents had matched them together in training to instill bond, as Garen was to be the protector of the Jarvan when he became king, as his father was the protector of Jarvan III. "

This needs made into 2 or more sentences. . . "Garen raised his palm to his face, "You're never gonna hear the end of this huh?" he groaned"

Do you mean "i'm never gonna hear the end of this huh?"? And a period after the groaned. . . ""Now I'm really interested." Jarvan's voice taking a tone of even more interest. "

Im not quite sure what, but the saying that hes really interested and then the stating that his tone was of even more interest is irking my brain atm. . . "Garen looked over at his friend for a moment, then let out a brief laugh himself before looking up at the tan canvas that made the top of his tent as he once again played the two fights he had with her out in his mind."

Again seeming like too much in one sentence. You could probably split this after the "top of the tent. Once again he played out the two fights he had with her in his mind." < possibly? Switched some words around there as well . . "he spoke in a way that could only be taken as dreamy, Garen quickly coughed before continuing."

Period after the dreamy and comma after the continuing? . . "Garen Scoffed, and let out a laugh that sounded a bit too forced"

Lowercase scoffed, possibly period after forced? Not sure . . "cackled at The Commander's "

The needs uncapitalized? I feel a bit nitpicky with all the grammar and punctuation things, but i am just saying whatever catches my eye. . . "Garen felt the heat in his face and was sure he was turning, red."

Comma extraction service needed. . . "Okay, heh, I'm sorry. It's just the first time I ever hear you talk about a woman like that, **and **it happens to be about the Noxian that kicked your ass"

^bolded words that make this read nicer out loud as if it were actually said imo. Some do speak differently, but from a reading point of view it needed some words.... cause it just seemed awkward to read aloud to me. . . "Garen for just a moment, though at the ludicrous notion that he could be punished by the full extent of the law for just admiring another person just because they are Noxian. But he knew it was the truth, so he nodded to his friend in understanding."

Read this aloud. Theres some things that need the creators touch here. . . "There is an urgent matter in Pitlover that requires Demacia's attention"

Piltover? Also "read aloud" not "spoke aloud" also the "at the arrival at demacia" demacia --> capital . . "No idea... Strange,"

Period after strange . . ""I don't need an escort, Jarvan." Garem insisted."

Garen . . "We don't know if there are any stragglers "

^bolded . . ""It's decided, I'll see you in the morning."

Period after decided, another " at the end . . "HIs thoughts now returning once again to Katarina**. She** was beginning to find her way into his day even when she was not there**, and Garen grew frustrated with himself. How** could he think of a Noxian in any other way than disgust**? The** next time they crossed blades, he vowed that he would not hesitate to end the assassin's life."

Lowercase i in his, then i put some possible changes in bold. Can see if you like it or can tweak it in different ways or whatever you feel fits it best . . Sudden change in time again, still feels like some indicator is needed. . . "For a moment and the image of the red-haired assassins face appeared"

Remove the "and" . . "Garen let out a sigh of relief after riding through the mountain pass~~ and~~, which served as a natural border for the City-state of Demacia, and saw the Capital in the distance."

Oh look, a line through for items i feel could be removed, and bold to indicate fixes/changes that could be done! . . "The Commander and his small group of Vanguard Soldiers arrived at the city gate at dusk. He was thankful for this as he didn't have wad his way through cheering citizens, he just wanted to get some rest."

Bold move has been made. . . "After placing his armor down on the floor, he leaned his sword that was still tucked away in its scabbard against the side of his bed before making his way for the bath."

Remember about keeping the same tense, but here is how that could work? Up to you . . Sudden time change.... idk why these irk me so much, but they just are very.... standoutish to me. It doesnt feel natural. I just enjoy a little something to indicate some time has passed. . . "Garen yelled towards the door as he clambered out of bed**. He** let his military training kick in, getting dressed in a fresh pair of clothes in record time.

Boldalicious. . . "meet with him as soon as you're able"

Do these pants make my butt look bold? . . "Spending a good hour cleaning and polishing his armor until it was pristine was worth making the king wait, he couldn't show up to the palace looking like a homeless knight, He had an appearance to maintain, and it was just respectful to look your best when in the presence of the king."

Some punctuation work and tweaks to make this into a couple sentences. . . "attached mixed with his height **and **kept the large blade from scraping"

Let the bold be with you. . . "its lack of defensible it was more"

Lack of defence? Lack of defensible ___? . . ""Garen!" Lux screamed as she saw her brother standing alone in the Castle Courtyard to his great surprise."

Something seems off about this part here... . . "Last he knew Luxxana was on a diplomatic "

Luxanna . . "a mischievous grin forming on her face, it wasn't often Lux had something to hold over his head, "

Period after face, split the sentences . . ""Which will not go unpunished, I promise." said firmly, he tried to act as an example for his wayward sister, he knew she did not truly like the way Demacia was ran and was worried that if she did not adjust herself soon, that she may do or say something she can't take back. "

This needs some working. Too much for 1 sentence and needs some stuff added. . . "He wanted to be her big brother, but he knew that it wasn't about what he ~~wanted, ~~or his sister wanted, it was about what was best for Demacia."

Theres a line in my boot. . . "Garen turned to acknowledge the steward, thanking him before turning back to lux, reaching out and placing his hand on her shoulder, giving it a squeeze"

This seems to me like too much in one sentence again, it flows.... just not as well as it could. . . "The room was wider than it appeared, as the hall was not flanked by solid walls but with pillars, behind them were tables covered with refreshments and guards watching vigilantly, along with Xin Zhao standing the Kings side, as always."

Another too much info in a single sentence. . . "what some to presume was,"

"To what some presumed was," < possibly? (In the kings talking to garen) . . "We received word from the cities security leadership that Noxus has increased it's presence in Zaun, along with finding several agents in Pitlover, however, the information we were given is a bit unclear.""

This seems like quite a mouthful to me. . . "stuffing his back with a whetstone to sharpen his blade"

Back --> pack? . . "He noticed a picture of him with his sister under his arm on his desk, he made his way over and picked it up, it pained him to know he was not going to show up to dinner, and she was so excited for him to be there."

This can be split like so --> "picked it up. It pained him" . . "He didn't mind it just meant less people to bother him. "

Comma after the mind . . "As he laid down in cot below "

In a cot? The cot? Something cot