Hello everyone, my name is Renekton bot and this is a trash fanfic called 'Partners'

I hope you enjoy it, but you won't.

Caitlyn knelt in the center of the living room and quietly examined what had, at one point, been a person. “It's not often I see a body this badly mangled,” she mused, recalling a few of her previous cases. Those had been brutal, certainly, but there was something that set this one apart from the rest. The corpse was lying on the bare wood in the center of the floor, mangled almost beyond recognition. Its skull had been caved in, the torso torn open and mostly emptied. The left arm had been severed above the elbow and both legs had been forcibly removed. But that was nothing unusual. She'd examined ex-people in similar condition. What had set this case apart was that there wasn't any indication as to where the missing parts had gone. “You think that's gruesome,” said Vi from the other room, “You should see how he decorated. This wallpaper is the real crime.” When the sheriff and her partner arrived, both the front and back doors of the house had been hastily barricaded from the inside. All of the windows were intact save one in the same room in which they'd found the victim. The broken glass had landed inside the house, implying someone had used the window to enter, but there was still jagged glass in the frame. With the exception of an immensely skilled acrobat, nobody could have used it without slicing themselves badly on the inside edge, let alone doing it with a sack full of body parts. Caitlyn brushed a lock of brown hair from her eyes and tucked it behind her ear. “Could you come in here, please? You need to see this too.” “No I don't.” Caitlyn closed her eyes. “Vi.” There was a barely-audible sigh. Vi stepped carefully through the doorway, pulling her arms close to her sides. At Caitlyn's insistence she had left her gauntlets in the trunk of their cruiser, but old habits were hard to break. She stopped abruptly when she saw the corpse. “Holy shi-- uh, moley, you weren't kidding when you said 'butchered.'” “What do you suppose happened here?” “You can't figure it out? You been lookin' at it long enough.” “I have my suspicions, but I want to hear what you think.” The sheriff stepped back and gestured to the corpse. “And I want to hear your reasoning.” “I don't wanna get close to that thing.” “Vi.” Vi pointed at the body “He was tragically hit by a train and launched all the way into this house, which is why that window is broken and there are no footprints of any kind.” She looked at the floor. “Except his, I guess. Maybe he went to go get a snack before dying. Anyway, case closed, let's go arrest a train.” “Vi.” “Alright!” she shouted, then made a face as she walked over and knelt next to what had perhaps only hours before been a citizen of Piltover. She made the mistake of inhaling through her nose, gagged, then leaned backwards. “Eugh. If I had to guess, I'd suspect rough sex with a box of grenades.” “We don't guess.” “Then it was definitely a box of grenades.” She took another look at the body, then frowned. “Hold on. Actually... I take it back.” “You do? Why's that?” She pointed to the gaping hole in the chest. “'Cause there's a lot of him missing and no sign of where it went.” She leaned in a little more closely. “These- eugh- wounds are aggravated, so they probably weren't made by a knife, and I know from experience that injuries like these don't come from being beaten to death by blunt objects.” She stood, shaking a cramp from her leg. “Also, he probably wasn't shot unless the gunman then rifled through the corpse to collect all his bullets and managed not to get blood anywhere else in the room.” “Conclusion?” Vi shrugged. Then, seeing Caitlyn's expectant stare, added: “Uhm, I think it was an animal. Maybe a raccoon or something.” “Why do you suspect an animal?” “Because the only way all that meat could just up and disappear is if something sat here and ate it.” Caitlyn nodded, pleased with her partner's astute observation. “That was what I'd suspected, as well.” Vi arched one pink eyebrow. “Wait, you're serious? I was just kidding about the raccoons.” The sheriff exhaled softly. “I wasn't talking about the raccoons,” she said, “I believe something ate the victim.” “Well, great! Case closed, let's get out of here before we're next.” “Hold it. We still haven't figured out who- or what- could be capable of doing this, or how it escaped from the house when-- “ Caitlyn suddenly realized she was alone. “Vi? Where did you go?” “Kitchen.” “We aren't finished.” “Oh, come on! We know we're looking for an animal, right? It has to have been a pretty small one to fit through that window, and a pretty big one to have eaten so much of a grown-ass person. Also, it has to be a ghost because it disappeared without a trace, and that means it's a mythical creature and we'll never catch it. Case--” “If you say 'case closed' one more time...” “Hold on, I found a clue scribbled on this ugly wallpaper! It says 'it was us, the raccoons. He wouldn't give us his garbage so we ate his face. You can leave now.' Case closed, I'll be in the kitchen.” “Vi!” Vi groaned as she returned to the room. “How long are you gonna spend staring at that thing? It's getting pretty ripe and personally, I'm tired of looking at it.” She took a bite from an apple, “Corpfef make me loofe my appetipe, amyway.” Caitlyn stared at her, unable to decide what to reprimand her for first; her impatience, her lack of decorum, that she was eating what might have been evidence, or that she was talking with her mouth full. Noting Caitlyn's incredulous stare, Vi took her cue to leave again. “I'm gonna go ask the neighbors if they saw any huge tiny raccoon ghosts.” Before the sheriff could say anything else, her partner had gone.

It was another hour before the coroner arrived, and Caitlyn's searching hadn't turned up anything further. She found Vi leaning against the cruiser, waiting for her. “Neighbors said they didn't hear anything last night.” The pink-haired enforcer shrugged. “That's all I could get out of them without hitting them. If you'd like, though, I could rough them up a litt--” She was silenced by a very practiced glare from Caitlyn. “That is not how this department operates,” said the sheriff, who then drew a heavy silver key from her satchel and climbed inside the vehicle. Automobiles such as Caitlyn's were still rather uncommon in Runeterra given the incredible amount of effort and resources required to build even one of them, along with the fact that their use required the construction of specialized roadways to prevent damage to the tires and frame. Despite this, the Piltover Police Department boasted a small fleet of them as the city believed that shorter police response times justified the enormous expense... not to mention that the prestige that came with owning them would remind the other nation-states of Piltover's wealth and technological power. It was also believed that the sight of them would do a great deal to remind the citizens themselves of their safety... at least until those citizens were eaten alive inside of their own homes. Still, not everyone was convinced that they were entirely practical. Critics of the technology were quick to point out that the vehicle could pose a serious hazard to pedestrians and buildings if the driver ever lost control, and that the liquified magic which served as the fuel for these expensive hextech machines was incredibly explosive and thus strapping a huge tank of it onto a high-speed vehicle with a questionably-effective steering system was reckless at best. Caitlyn slid the key into the activation module on the console and waited for Vi to take her boots down off the dashboard before turning it. The engine roared to life, prompting an excited shout from Vi, who found the start-up sequence of the OrinLabs RW-118 Hextech Municipal Navigation System immensely satisfying. Caitlyn just wished she wouldn't do it every single time. They returned to the station at a modest pace despite Vi's repeated requests to 'punch it,' and along the way discussed what they knew about the victim. His name was Albert Knophler, and he had terrible taste in wallpaper. His record was clean, and Vi had never heard of him before... which meant that his record probably was clean. And that, unfortunately, was all they knew. They spent the rest of the ride in relative quiet, except for when Vi pointed out spots where she'd beaten someone up before she'd joined the force... and after, on occasion. When they arrived at headquarters, Caitlyn went straight to her office and shut the door. “Okay,” said Vi from the other side of the doorway, “I'm gonna go gather evidence or whatever.” She waited, and when Caitlyn didn't immediately charge into the hallway to stop her, knew she'd gotten permission to leave. She cracked her knuckles. Time to get her case on.

It was almost dark when the Piltover enforcer shouldered open the tavern's door and made her way to the bar. Bill's Tavern was located in a ramshackle building in a bad part of the outer city and had been Vi's favorite haunt for several years. Her visits had become less frequent since joining the PPD, but she still found time to stop by while she was 'collecting evidence.' The owner, Bill, was a huge man who never seemed to move from behind the counter no matter what time of day Vi showed up. He was bald and beardless, which caused Vi to imagine that all of the hair on his head had decided to become part of his enormous eyebrows. Bill had a reputation for being dour, but always seemed to enjoy having Vi stop by. As the door swung shut behind her a few patrons looked up, startled at seeing a police officer entering so brazenly, before realizing that it was just Vi and returning to their drinks. “Evening, Bill,” she said, pulling up a stool. The bartender nodded, “Vi.” He lifted his head slightly to glance out the front window. “This a raid?” “No, I'm just thirsty.” “Water then?” “What? Hell no. Gimme the usual.” “Didn't think you were allowed to drink on the clock.” “I'm not.” The bartender paused, shrugged, then turned away to work on her drink. Meanwhile Vi leaned back on the stool and tried not to be obvious about her eavesdropping. Dozens of patrons whispered (or shouted) conversations behind her, but of all the words she could make out, not one was about animals on the loose or corpses being eaten. Strange. She could have sworn that was more common. The sound of a glass hitting the counter in front of her broke her concentration. She leaned forward to take her drink. “Thanks, Bill. Hey, random question.” The bartender grunted. “Anyone you know get eaten lately?” Bill frowned, his huge eyebrows dipping slightly as he tried to figure out if Vi was being serious. After a moment he shrugged, then went to take someone else's order. After a few more minutes of useless eavesdropping, Vi was preparing to give up when one of the stools next to her slid a little closer to the bar and a very small someone climbed to the top. The yordle was about to call for Bill's attention when he noticed Vi, swore, toppled backwards, and crashed to the floor. “Nicky!” said Vi, recognizing him mostly by the sound his head made when it hit the hardwood. She leapt off her stool to scoop him up before he could escape and held him in front of her, hands on either side of his head. “Just the fuzzy little menace I was looking for!” The yordle laughed nervously as he dangled from her grip, rubbing the back of his head and trying not to look uncomfortable. “Hey, uh, Vi! I wa-was just... Hohh boy, y-you're not gonna hurt me, are ya?” Vi slightly tightened the vice grip she had on his head, “Hurt you, Nicky? Why would I ever do something like that?” Nicky groaned, “Ahh, stop! Whatever they been sayin' about me, I ain't stole nothin' from nobody! Uh... T-today, at least. Today I ain't s-stole nothin' from nobody.” “Don't worry, Nicky. That's not why I'm crushing your head.” “O-oh, okay, then. So... Why are you crushin' my head?” “Because I need information.” Nicky was notorious for having the biggest ears in Piltover, both literally and figuratively. Very little happened in the city that he wasn't privy to, and Vi found that twisting those ears of his a little was a great way to get him to spill it. She didn't feel bad about it, either; She had access to his rap sheet. The little yordle swallowed. “I wanna know if you've heard anything about anyone being eaten. Like, really eaten.” Nicky tried to nod, somehow forgetting that Vi was holding his head. His body jerked awkwardly. “Y-yes, I have! A guy named Albert Knoph--” “I already know about that one, Nicky. Any more?” He hesitated, thinking. Vi suddenly became aware of a very large form standing behind her. “Vi,” said Bill. “Right, right. Sorry.” Vi had forgotten tavern policy on interrogations conducted on the premises. Namely: don't. “Let's take this outside, Nicky.” They stepped outside into the cool night air... or rather, Vi stepped outside, carrying Nicky along with her. “Now,” she said, “Where were we?” Nicky was starting to panic. “Nobody else, Vi! I haven't heard about anyone else b-being eaten! Just that guy! I-I-I'd tell ya if I did, I would!” “You know, I can squeeze you a lot harder out here.” The yordle wriggled, “C'mon, Vi! I mean it, it's not like I ate the guy!” “That's exactly something I'd expect a man-eating yordle to say.” Nicky started fumbling for an answer, then paused. His attention was suddenly focused elsewhere, ears pointed straight up. “H-hey, d'you hear that?” Vi turned her head just in time to see Caitlyn's cruiser slide sideways around the corner of the tavern. She was moving fast, which meant something was up, and so Vi didn't argue when Caitlyn leaned out the window and told her to get in. She set Nicky down with a pat on the head and promised she'd see him later. The vehicle started moving again almost before Vi had finished entering. “Woah, what's going on, Cupcake? Catch someone littering?” Caitlyn kept her eyes on the roadway, her expression severe. “I've just received a report about another killing.” Vi's eyes went wide. “Oh, fu-- er, golly. Think it was the raccoons again?” “That's what we're going to find out.” Nicky watched the vehicle turn sharply around a corner and disappear from sight. Good riddance, he thought.

To be continued, unless I forget... which I won't this time, I promise.