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[Story Short] The Debt

Kloqdq·8/23/2017, 4:08:29 PM·4 votes·1,141 views

#The Debt

As I approached the table, I carefully passed the shaken man his ale out of fear of him knocking it out of my hands. Even the slightest movement seemed to send the poor bastard in a complete frenzy. Rushing in like he had just escaped death, I looked him over as he coward by the fire in terror. As if he had been stuck in the Shuriman desert for weeks without a drop of water, he guzzled down the ale. His hair was as wild as an animal, with eyes as crazy as a Wharf Rat. Likewise, he carried a smell that could send the Shadow Isle packing. Although I made it a business to never ask a man’s story, I couldn’t keep my intrigue silent any longer.

“Ho, what brings you to these parts?”

With a sudden jolt as if he had just seen a ghost he slid back on the bench with a look of pure dread in him. He seemed ready to scream when he seemed to gain some semblance of self control and returned to what you could consider “normal”.

“I-I had a bad run in…”

“Bad run in?” my brow rose in utter confusion. What in the gods name could that mean I wondered?

“Y-You ever feel like you had been knocking on death’s door, t-then when you think you are fine, the door starts knocking back?” My look of confusion only grew. The man had already seemed delusional but now I had begun to believe he was half insane. With my kindest tone I could offer, “Can’t say I have friend.”

He gave me what I could tell was a forced smile, a couple of cheap, hopeless nods before he hung his head towards the ale in front of him. The air around him carried a grim force that I couldn’t bare to stand around any longer. As well as that god awful stench that pierced my nostrils like daggers. I returned to the counter to get a good look at the pub. Around the house were your random bunch of rough houses and drunkards. All good men but I understood the desire for that little escape. Between all the rumors of dead emperors, half animal people, wars and gods popping up in the damned world, I could blame them. Zeke, my long time partner approached the counter with that damned smug look on his face. Although he was a good friend, I wish I could punch that face.

“Talked to crazy over there I see?”

“What of it?” I could tell Zeke was dying of laughter as I rubbed my nose to forget that terrible smell out of it. After a moment he looked back towards the individual as if checking to see if he was unable to hear. Whatever the case Zeke started, “I’ve heard a very interesting tale about that individual. Care to hear?”

Nodding I thought to myself, why not? The night was slow and I could go for one of Zeke’s tall tells.

“Talk of the town is that guy is on the run. They say he made a little deal and the collector is hunting him down.”

“Collector? He did mention having some kind of bad run in.” Zeke’s smile grew as I spoke. As if my statement helped confirm his speculations.

“Now a name is hard to find. People got all kinds of crazy names but the most common name I hear popping around is the Ol’ River King. The poor bastard has been running for days in fear of that demon of desire.” Although I wasn’t much for tall tales, every poor sap in the Butchery had heard of the River King. Anyone at the cross roads of life could simply make that deal. However, when it was time to collect, you would be losing a lot more than a few coins. With a long sign I looked at Zeke with bore. Whatever lad or lass told him that story should give him back the coins he spent for it.

Then out of the corner of my eye I saw the man jump from his sit once again. This time a loud crash and scream arose from his corner of the room. Within seconds, he had dashed away from the flames he once found comfort with. I rushed outside to see where the lad had run off too. Something had scared the life out of him but I was too late. Without another word, the poor bastard was never seen again.

Thanks to everyone that took a minute to read a little story about the a man running who had a run in with the River King!

I put together for the Concepts & Creations Writing Competition this month. Not really sure if this works for it but I enjoyed making it none to less. Feedback would be much appreciated! 750 words is a damn hard limit to work with XD

Edit note for judges - Not sure if you want my reviews but I could link one or two I have probably done in the past month. I am pretty active on the boards and don't want to be dropped ;-;

10 Comments

UnluckyShraZ8/23/2017, 4:46:02 PM1 votes

{quoted}

I put together for the Concepts & Creations Writing Competition this month. Not really sure if this works for it but I enjoyed making it none to less. Feedback would be much appreciated! 750 words is a damn hard limit to work with XD

There is a Competition? Where can I find further informations? :)

Btw really interesting the reading :)item 2054

I Main Swain8/25/2017, 9:29:08 PM1 votes

i really like this, i especially love the idea of a guy running from the river king and the concept behind his run in with the inn keeper. my only two notes are first that you went a little too generous with the metaphors, those can be difficult to balance especially since its easy to find yourself using them as a way to "paint a picture" but on the flip side its also boring not to have them. only other thing is that the sentence about his partner being a long term friend felt a little random and unconnected but that may just be my personal preference. after all everyone has their own tastes, but overall i really like your piece! keep up the good work.

if you dont mind my asking, do you write a lot or are you more of a dabbler? if you do what kind of stuff do you like to do?

zrWQMdGHtY8/31/2017, 12:50:52 AM1 votes

MY only issue was, I mean I think it's just my person fetish I guess... The speaking parts... I just cant handle them been in the middle of the nothing. I mean they should... idk... start on a new line? I mean like this

Jiimmy and franky walked into a bar. "Hi Jimmy" said Franky "Hi Franky" said Jimmy..

Sorry I'm having a bit of issues with explaining lately. But yeah, was fun to read. That's my only personal issue. cough

JennaZennPi9/21/2017, 4:01:59 AM1 votes

Great short! I liked how you use a "3rd party" to tell the story of Tahm Kench. When I first started to read I had no idea who this was talking about, then when I thought of "The Debt" and when Zeke said “Talk of the town is that guy is on the run. They say he made a little deal and the collector is hunting him down.” and it just clicked in my mind. I loved how the mc of this short is a bartender in a pub of some sorts, they always have stories to tell, and hear, and so it to be this bartender or shopkeeper of the pub met a person who made a deal with The River King. The only thing I could suggest was that you added more interactions with the Shopkeeper, Zeke, and the man on the run; but seeing how this is a limited short story you did better than I could have ever done xD. Hope to read from you more often.

Matasuntha9/28/2017, 8:37:59 PM1 votes

What I like about this story the most is the simplicity of its concept. It takes the idea of Legends/Myths and strips it down to the level of an urban myth or a creepy pasta. Although the premise of the story itself is very abrupt, the seamless flow of actions in the tale compliments this abruptness and gives the story an air of mystery and horror rather than causing the quality of the tale to degrade. I also applaud the general mise en scène of the story - the arrangement works very well with the characters and sets the mood perfectly. You mentioned that you were hard pressed because of the word count but there is very little indication of that anywhere in my opinion c:

I do have a few issues with the story though. As Kitty Katarina mentioned in the comments, the structure around the dialogue is a bit off-putting. It might just be that my personal aesthetics align with his/hers but the structure Kitty Katarina provided is generally the conventional manner in which dialogues are structured in a commercial work of fiction. Unless there is a specific purpose behind structuring your dialogues in that manner, I would strongly encourage you to try and implement that change into your works. There are also a few sentences that sound awkward because of the phrasing or choice of words but it does not dispel a reader's focus - unless they are some sort of literary purist, that is xD

All in all, Good Job, I say! c: