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Idolion the Human Watcher [lore]

Gilgayu·2/23/2019, 4:26:48 PM·1 votes·2,069 views

Check out his kit here I actually suggest reading Where Icathia Once Stood first before reading this. Both stories are very much related, and honestly Where Icathia Once Stood is just toooooooo good.

*My name is Idolion Kei-Anx Kohari Icath’or. * I don’t know what I am. I was found in a junkyard, wrapped in fine sheets of linen. My dearest companions, Kei and Anx, were discovered near me, trembling, and filled with magic, my magic. But I’m not human, or at least not anymore. My eyes and skin are a rich shade purple. Across my chest, a deep cut where a mysterious substance moves in and out. Only years later, I learned it was a voidborn. Adopted by an Icathian family, I never had much. All I did was taking care of their animals, practicing magic, and wielding swords. I would challenge weapon masters from town to town, and win unscathed with my fighting style of using a dagger and a sword. This brought the attention of the corrupted Shurimans, and therefore it was time to leave. The time to end the old life and begin a new one. I left my family at the age of 10, seeking more understanding of fighting. It was then when I met the Kohari, a gang of the greatest Icathian warriors ready to take back their empire.

But People always feared the unknown.

When I joined the Kohari, hoping to replenish the hope of our people, they asked for who I am. When I took down two so-called God-Warriors single-handedly, their avaricious emperor asked for who I am. When that Being came down to me and told me I am the Chosen, he asked for who I am…

The answer has always been the same: “I don’t know.”

To this day, the War still haunts me. Innocent people crying out sound of despair, asking their God (Oh, how ironic!) for a place in heaven. The gargantuan men who are monsters within. They are beasts, animals, and more so than us Kohari, weaklings and cowards. Then there is the crack in the sky… And the invasion of my race.

I was standing in the middle of the fight, feeling hopeless. I killed thousands of Shurimans that day, captured countless forts, but the end is here. These monsters don’t belong here. Their skins are hard as steel. Their movement scattered yet organized. Their victory, inevitable.

And I heard the Call.

The Call from a king to its soldier, telling him War has begun. The Call from a prophet to a gullible believer, telling him his destiny is to be fulfilled. The Call from a father to a son, telling him he is among his family. The Call from a friend to a friend, telling him exile is finally over, as if he himself shares the pain.

Lies.

It was a good pretender, but it underestimated the trickiness of humans. Its words were in an ancient tongue, and it spoke like a true Emperor, confident and demanding. But I’ve known it for too long. My magic is the only obstacle keeping the voidborn inside me from making me its food, and I know it only listens to the Watchers, the greedy rulers of the Void.

But that wasn’t what haunts me the most.

Another call, or rather, a Summoning appeared to me. Golden light shot through the clouds and covered the entire battlefield. Ascendants and Voidborns were screaming in pain. A Being, great beyond measure, appeared in the midst of us. His light surrounded us all, but it casted no shadows. On his firm grip, a sword – a warrior.

“Who are you, Cursed One? I shall bless you, but this isn’t your battle to fight,” demanded the great Being. I was weak then, afraid, desperate for power. And I was stupid enough to forget the price of power.

“Why me, there are countless might warriors who have vanished here, and why now?”

“It’s time for Us to lead you to your true destiny. In your veins run the blood of Chaos, but you mind seeks justice, you shall be me and I shall be you. I will grant you holy bandages which you will cover yourself with, and you in turn must fight those wills,” he paused, as if daring the Void Watchers to interrupt him, “Bear the loss of this land, Idolion, for no one will remember what has happened, you will. Now leave, you destiny is already decided.”

So I left, leaving hundreds of thousands of innocent people behind, knowing there is nothing I can do.

The will of the gods are not to be challenged.

8 Comments

Gilgayu2/23/2019, 4:28:21 PM1 votes

I'm going to revise and edit this a couple times, so please, all comments, suggestions, and critics are 100% welcomed (I don't even care if you make a hate comment, since they are feedbacks as well)

draco77777772/23/2019, 10:24:19 PM1 votes

I will go out on a limb and ask.. English isn't your first language, is it? I'm just assuming based on how things are sounding/written out. If I'm wrong, sorry lol. If it's any reconciliation I sometimes skip words when I talk (I stutter occasionally too) and I've got an Asian accent, since I'm Asian (it mostly just affects certain letters like they're harder to say, otherwise I'd say my English is on point lol.)

**I only ask because I don't want you to feel bad about what you've written and come up with so far, both here and for the kit. I love it and everything I've said thusfar is like nitpicking and me examining it thoroughly and questioning things simply for sake of clarification/because from my personal viewpoint I 1) didn't understand something 2) didn't like it 3) thought something that might be completely wrong or if put into live servers would be proven wrong (referring to feeling that Idolion would be a weaker version of many AA heavy champs like Yi, or a different version of old Kayle) Also I pointed out some typos simply because, well, typo. **

I noticed there's a lot of similarities between this and the story, "Where Icathia Once Stood" as you linked, one of which being that Axamuk Var-Choi Kohari Icath’or's name is like Idolion Kei-Anx Kohari Icath’or's name. I could infer from the other story that the people use names as a way to not only pay respects to one's family, but display their social ladder status/what they do/who they serve and such. So, I assume that's the idea behind Idolion Kei-Anx Kohari Icath’or. The problem is, I feel like you're depending too much on people to have had read the other story, to then be able to understand yours. To my understanding, the lore for a champion is like a biography, or a glimpse of an event in their life. It sets up multiple things (not neccessarily everything) most notably their motive or intent, or how they may have gotten their powers or skills/weapon, or why they hate a specific race like Noxians and wants to fight them all. They aren't identical, each is different for each champ, but the gist is there. So, point is that here, there's a lot of information being thrown at the reader, and without explaining them, how are we to understand what is going on or what we are reading? I first read it without reading the other story, then I read the other story, then reread yours, and it made more sense/I understood the clear parallels between the two. I don't like how close in resemblance this is to the other one though. It's kind of like I'm reading the same thing, but shorter and simplified with a few changes. I want to know how he got so good, or maybe hear of how he killed 2 god-warriors. How'd he figure out he had magic, did he always have it or was it learned? You can rewrite this so Idolion maybe was there when he saw Axamuk shoot the God-Warrior in the skull, and lead that into how he got the gash / the encounter with the Great Being. (As in, Axamuk and Idolion could know each other as they both are warriors who serve the Mage Kings, so sometime in your lore, Idolion witnesses Axamuk shoot the god-warrior, after talking to it. I'd change the Great Being to be the vulture-headed god-warrior,

My eyes and skin are a rich shade purple. Across my chest, a deep cut where a mysterious substance moves in and out. Only years later, I learned it was a voidborn.

Feel like this should be more of a "Show, don't tell" thing. You don't really go into detail about how he gets the cut, and then the substance moving, it's voidborn, which is confusing because I assumed at first he was just bleeding this mysterious substance, but now it's also alive? But then later you say it's inside him and the magic he has keeps it from eating him, so we know later on it's not just weird goop or blood, but a creature. Honestly if anything you could start off with the confrontation of Idolion and the Great Being (and the war/battles) then recall his childhood and how he got to where he was now currently. That way we'd know ahead of time it was a voidborn creature, so when we learn how he gets it in the first place, we understand his confusion and yet we know what this substance will become/already is. I'm confused by the point of the beginning you have now though. Who are Kei and Anx, besides companions, why mention them if that's all we know about them, and then nothing else is mentioned or referenced about them. I noticed in his name after Idolion it's Kei-Anx, meaning based on how names are phrased they must be his parents, but at the same time you said companions, and not parents. Could be pets, could be humans. This also assumes they understand names and the meanings, which is explained in the other story, in yours it is not.

Another call, or rather, a Summoning appeared to me. Golden light shot through the clouds and covered the entire battlefield. Ascendants and Voidborns were screaming in pain.

Also, you mention in the kit that Idolion is an Ascendant yet there's no mention of it here. And as far as I know there aren't that many of them, yet this battle includes many? You say there's a war, then that he killed thousands of Shurimans, and we know Idolion thinks they are corrupted, so we just have to assume the Ascendants and Voidborns are also there for some reason and because this doesn't explain anything about them, we are left assuming they are... people? A tribe? I guess your story could hyperlink the word when it's first used to a link of a story that explains them, but again then you're just assuming/expecting people to understand even more lore and other bits of information just to get to know this one character. That's a lot. Since I know what they are I can easily ask you about them, otherwise assume I didn't, guess what most of my comments would be about? "Who are the Ascendant?" "What is the Void? Voidborn?" as well as "Icathian is where and who are they" "Shuriman..?? Ditto to Icathian" "The Call? A literal call? Or something else, the examples you gave I don't see what they're explaining or trying to allude to" "blood of Chaos? Literal chaos like anarchy chaos or..?" "Void Watchers?" "Summoning?" "Kohari?" The thing is, I'm not expecting full blown lore pages to explain these things, nor should you do that, but a quick explanation would do the trick. Or by giving us enough information, we'll know the general concept/idea of what / who these things are. Like in the other story, immediately we are given info explaining 1) his name 2) what a Mage King is 3) what that character's relationship was with Shurima and how it affects him, as 4) a Shuriman Sun Empress takes over their land. That might seem like a lot, but with how it's written it doesn't feel like they're overloading you with info, a lot of it is simple and fits the pace well, and is enough so you will obviously wonder and want to know more, but if you don't/don't want to know more, you know the basics. I know Mage Kings are rulers, and that the last one was overtaken by a Shuriman Empress (which also lets you know that people who serve the Mage King wouldn't like Shurimans, without having to blatantly state so) Beyond that, do you need to know more? That's the main thing when it comes to including all these terms and such, is whether or not they serve a purpose in the story and whether or not the reader needs to know. You can include stuff to maybe reference other champions/other stories that are related, perhaps mentioning a young girl with green eyes, but saying nothing more in your story, yet you know in the other story that held some significance. The main focus should be on what you're trying to tell though, and so again that's also why when you explain who the Ascendants are or something, you don't have to go into super full detail, especially if you don't have to because it's not vital to the story and/or what's going on.

taking care

take* care

you destiny

your*

But People

people* unless there's a specific reason for the capitilization?