Teemo's Advocate: Gnar

TyrekGoldenspear·8/9/2017, 4:32:24 PM·14 votes·1,024 views

#Breaking News Welcome back to Runeterra news, where we keep you up to date to news on the Rift and beyond. I am Anchorman Nautilus, and my co-anchor Janna is not with us today because of today’s story. Riots are being had between groups of summoners and spectators of our games, due to the prevalence of the item Ancient Coin. According to my sources this item allows supports to gain items faster than ever before, and not everyone is happy with this new trend. One of the many supports to gain a rise is our co-anchor herself, as many unhappy with her as a champion have taken this opportunity to call her a brainless and stupid champion. ##In Janna’s room in the Institute of War Eats a tub of icecream while sitting on the couch and watching the news. Grabs a tissue from a nearby box to dry fresh tears. Haven’t I been nerfed enough? Blows nose. I’m simple to use for a summoner, not brainless. Eats another scoop and changes the channel.
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LjBPcQHy2wc/U5q6UowKV1I/AAAAAAAARog/hSAIxfwgqhs/s1600/Draven_Splash_3.jpg

Helloooo Draven fans everywhere! Welcome back to another episode of Teemo's Advocate. Draven apologizes for the delay folks, while we here at the studio know you all love your Draven, we needed extra time to fix the damage from the last episode, as well as a studio fire. This episode is a special one, as we're going to need an Advocate here from the start! You see, today's Teemo can't exactly speak English, so we're giving him a helping hand. So let's introduce our contestant. Said to be the Missing Link, but honestly that's up in the air now that we found out Yordles are spirits, here's Gnar!

Stumbles in, then picks himself up and toddles onto the stage, to "awwws" from the audience. Aaaago!! Gnar!! Gada!!

Uh-huh, sure thing little guy. leans off camera towards Zilean. Got any idea what he's saying? He comes from your time period, so...

Oh very funny. And no, I don't.

Oh well, hopefully the kid's Advocate can understand him.

She did mention the ability to do so.

Well that's taken care of. Leans back into view. By this time Gnar is sitting on top of the booth, with more "awws" from the audience. Alright folks, before we bring in the Advocate, let's welcome our judges! Now since Gnar's a special case, being both a marksman and a Tank, we will focus on the marksman half for the sake of selecting judges! Trust Draven, we don't want his Tank half to come out today. So representing the Tanks, we have... Frowns and reads the paper again. Looks off camera. Really? We're bringing her in? We just had this place fixed; I can't believe the idiots in the network decided it was a good idea for--

We had to at some point Draven, Malzahar has mentioned she's a big fan of the show, and if we didn't let her on she'd eat you.

Draven thinks it's a brilliant idea. Moves back to camera. For tanks, give it up for the Queen of the Xer'Sai, Rek'Sai!

A bloodcurdling shriek echoes throughout the room. One side of the audience area begins to shake violently, a clear signal to move. As half of the audience flees from the area, the floor beneath explodes into a rain of splinters and shrapnel. A jagged hole is created in the floor, out of which crawls Rek'Sai.

Welcome to the show Rek, can Draven call you Rek?

Hisses dangerously.

Laughs nervously. Sai it is then. What are you initial thoughts on Gnar's kit?

Clicks insightfully.

Facepalms Right. She can't speak English either. Do we have someone for her translation?

Afraid not. I forgot that she didn't speak our language so I didn't commission anybody.

Well, looks like the tanks are going to have a little trouble getting their voices heard, or rather understood. Moving on to the Fighter Class, we have Dr. Mundo!

Curtain goes up to reveal Mundo sitting in two chairs, cleaning his ear with a finger. Mundo happy to be here!

We all are good doctor, now tell us what you think of Gnar's kit?

Hmm. Mundo thinks Gnar tricky. When Gnar small, Mundo can squish. When Gnar big, Mundo can't squish. Mundo feels he should always squish.

Riveting words. Leans to Zilean. Copy his words down, Draven will need Darius to understand his brute-speak. Moving on to the Slayer class, we have a woman of class, and might Draven say, of---

You actually can't say that Draven.

Sass! You could say that this is a woman of sass. After all, she has an answer for anything, speech or on the rift! Give it up for the only Demacian Draven has any respect for, Fiora!

Curtain rises and audience cheers as Fiora is seated regally in her seat. Speaks in an accented voice. Greetings and salutations.

Sighs loudly. So, are we going to have anybody who speaks English here? Or am I going to have to find a translator for everyone here?

Narrows eyes. Surveille ta langue, espece de fou narcessique.

Draven's gonna skip asking questions that he knows he won't understand the answer to and move on. Representing the mages, we have everyone's favorite light mage, Lux!

Curtain rises to reveal a Lux that can barely stay in her seat. Upon seeing Gnar she gushes. AWWWHESSOCUTEIWANNAHUGHIMANDCUDDLEHIM!!!

sighs Zilean, do we have anybody on staff who understands sqee?

Can't say we do.

Great, will the folks at home be able to understand anybody tonight? Lux, what are your initial thoughts?

He's... so... CUTE!!!

Okay, moving on. Last but not least we have the a representative of the marksmen, Kog--okay are we really doing this? That's two void creatures that will ruin Draven's studio!

Clicks angrily.

And Draven is completely fine with that! Give it up for the cutest void puppy around, Kog'Maw!

Curtain rises to reveal Kog'Maw chewing on his side of the table.

Draven imagines you'll be an author of riveting dialogue as well?

Fooooood.

Draven figured. Leans over to Zilean, mutters. So that's a zero out of five?

Zero out of five.

Great. Now for something a little different folks. You see, with Gnar being... Looks at Gnar rocking on the booth gleefully Gnar, it is hard to understand what he is saying. Therefore, the network has provided us with someone able to speak his language. She will also be filling in for our Enchanter this episode! Give it up for the mysterious yordle lost to time just like Gnar, Lulu!

Skips in to audience cheers. Hello everyone! Isn't this just a swelltastic day!

I would call it a Draven day myself, but Draven understands those who feel unworthy to name their day after me. Rests feet on desk. Are you ready to translate for Gnar?

nodnods I can speak the languages of all the woodland creatures!

That so? Looks at Gnar. You sure he counts as a woodland creature?

nodnods He's been in the woodlands before, so he counts!

Draven is not sure that is how it--

Warghh! Gnar wabba!

Gnar says that he's hungry.

Well, if you can translate him, Draven is not concerned about the specifics of the why and how.

Yaaaay!

Mundo wants to go back to office, has work to do.

Mundo said he wants to go back to his office 'cuz he has work to do.

perks up Wait, you can translate him too?

nodnods He has been in a woodland as well! So I can translate! Meanwhile Pix is hovering around Lulu's hat, a zoom would show him facepalming

Ignores everything from Lulu's statement save for the translate portion. How about them? He points to the other judges.

nodnods

Looks like your job just became more important! With a universal translator in the mix, let's get this party started! Now since Gnar is a special case, we will have to start with his passive unlike other champions.

#Passive: Rage Gene https://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/leagueoflegends/images/0/08/Rage_Gene.png/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/64?cb=20170228013314

Oh boy, this passive is a doozy. Draven's gonna take a bit of time to do this. First of all, Gnar's base movement speed and attack range is increased every level, up to 20 extra movement speed and up to 100 extra attack range at level 18. Secondly, Gnar gets Rage every time he deals or takes damage, and extra Rage when he hits someone with a basic attack or with his boomerang. Rage gain from his boomerang is halved if he doesn't hit a champion. If he doesn't deal or take damage within 13 seconds, his Rage decays.

Now things get interesting when his gets really mad. At maximum Rage, Gnar will transform into Mega Gnar on his next ability cast or after 4 seconds. After 15 seconds he will turn back to normal, and after that point he will be too tired to gain Rage for 15 seconds.

Mega Gnar has increased health, Attack Damage, and Resistances, however his attack range is decreased to melee and he loses his bonus movement speed and gets a smaller attack speed growth. Additionally his abilities share cooldowns across forms. Gnar care to explain yourself?

Wagaa! Covers eyes with hands, then removes them. Wagaa!

sqees.

I will take that as a no. Lulu, you're the kid's Advocate. What say you?

Hmm he gets stronger when he gets bigger. Makes perfect sense!

Yes, but don't you find it strange that he gains bonus movement speed and attack range just by leveling up? Why does he need these things? He has the standard 400 range.

Smiles. Thanks for agreeing with me French Lady! We're gonna be the bestest friends!

What! You little---

What did she say?

Scratches head. Um, I kinda lost track after she said yes, but I'm pretty sure she agrees!

She confusing you too? Draven expected as much from a Demacian.

That's it. Stands up and draws her sword. You will pay dearly for your insolence. Starts forward but security blocks her.

Shorry lady, but hic no unauthorized contacsh b'ween the hosht and the judesh.

Out of my way, you fat oaf.

Rulesh are rulesh. Waddles forwards to push Fiora back towards her table.

Maneuvers around Gragas to stalk back towards Draven. If you think I can be stopped by OOOF-- gets cut off as Gragas tackles her from behind. Get off me at once! Voice is muffled and strained.

Shifts into a sitting position, still on top of Fiora. Not until yew hic promish to make no trouble.

Struggles to no avail. Growls. Fine. Now get off me.

Complies. Thangsh for you cooperahicshun.

Scoffs as she walks back to her table and hits .

Wait, if she agrees with you then why did she vote gut?

Shrugs. She probably missed the button.

Clicks in annoyance.

Mhmm. Wow! Fascinating!

What did she say?

Well first she told me about her hive under the Shurima sands, and the super big network of tunnels, you know it's as big as Shurima itself? It's as big as my love of cute things! I especially love squirrels! With their little noses and--

The passive Lulu, what did she say about the passive?

Um... Turns to Rek'sai Can you repeat everything after the tunnels?

Clicks in irritation.

Draven is starting to doubt your translation skills.

Pouts I can focus! Promise!

Look, the people tune in to watch discussion about champion balance, and we can't do that if everyone isn't heard.

Flies around the room. WEEEE LOOKATMEPIX!

Ungana!

SQEEEE! SOCUTE!

Is chewing on the buttons, pushes

Well, looks like your first ability got gutted Gnar, let's move on to your next skill.

Dances on the booth without a care.

#Ability Two: Boomerang Throw/Boulder Toss https://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/leagueoflegends/images/7/74/Boomerang_Throw.png/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/64?cb=20170228011852 https://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/leagueoflegends/images/3/3e/Boulder_Toss.png/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/64?cb=20170228011909

This one is quite simple. When Gnar is small he throws a boomerang that deals deals damage and slows. The damage scales on 115% AD and has a base damage from 5 to 165. After reaching the max range or hitting an enemy it comes back, and deals 50% damage to subsequent enemies hit. Additionally enemies can only be hit once. If Gnar catches this boomerang the cooldown is reduced by 45% to 60% depending on the skill's rank.

Mega Gnar throws a boulder, dealing damage and slowing in an area. It deals the boomerang's damage with a slightly higher scaling of 120%. The boulder stops where it strikes an enemy champion, and Gnar can pick it up, reducing the cooldown by 60%.

Um... Boomerangs hurt, right?

They don't need a scaling that high. The moment you say that Mega Gnar's version of the spell only hurts a little more, I have a problem. On top of that, the slow and cooldown reduction on return means that Mini Gnar can kite melee champions to oblivion and back, while dealing incredible damage. This combined with his passive movement speed boosts mean you will never catch him until he is ready to turn into Mega Gnar and crush you on his own terms.

Okay... Lulu got any of that?

Hmm? Oh sorry! I was thinking about my favorite candy!

Runs a hand over her face in exasperation I cannot believe my time is being wasted like this.

Wait I remember! Um... Something about scales, and kites, and hurting. gasps Kites are hurting scales! We gotta save the scales! Runs off stage, leaving Gnar playing with his boomerang.

Wait don't go--oh great. Can someone get her back in here?

Don't worry 'bout it boss! I'll get the little squish! Leaps into the air, smashing through the ceiling in the process.

Nooo! Draven's studio!

Suspended in the air, looking around I see her! Coming little purple girl!

Wait! Don't--

Travels in a beeline towards Lulu, smashing a neat hole through several walls. Sunlight leaks through them.

Runs hands through his hair. The producer is going to kill Draven for this... Can we vote now?

Mundo can't catch little boomerang. Hurt Mundo. When little squishy is big not so squishy rocks hurt. But then Mundo can catch and fight. Mundo like little squish better when big and not so squish.

Okay, that's one vote! Fiora! What say you!

I have said my piece. It is too strong a kiting tool with its innate cooldown reduction and Gnar's passive movement speed boost.

Pieces of the ruined roof fall from the ceiling, one of them strikes Gnar on the head. Wagaa! Rubs head and looks up curiously.

Oh no... Someone cheer the kid up before he explodes!

Picks up headset. Someone call in the on staff nanny!

Can I be the on staff nanny? Pretty please!

No.

Meanie.

Wearing Big Bad Warwick Costume. I'm here. Where is the sweet child?

Eyes open wide. Why... where... Looks at Zilean, points at Warwick why...

Don't ask.

Looks at Warwick's chest. Why...

Don't ask.

So where is he?

Numbly points to Gnar. Over there.

Ambles over and inspects him. Ah, here is the little precious. And how are you my sweet? Licks lips.

Falls over and points to Warwick's eyes Gnar wabba! Granna! Bignaa ya!

All the better to see you with, my dear.

Looks at Warwick curiously and points to ears Nar! Hadda woo!

All the better to hear you with, my dear.

Stands up and displays teeth Tee! Wa! Baag!

Smiles widely All the better to eat you with, my dear.

Wait a minute, eat? Glares at Zilean. I thought he was supposed to be a sitter!

Well in his ad he said he finds children sweet and takes good care of them! Oh.

Lunges at Gnar but gets dive tackled by Lux

Furiously wrestles Warwick to the gound Get your paws off that little cutie you bad dog! Pins Warwick to the ground and twists his arm behind his back

Whines in pain Mercy! I yield!

Say you're sorry!

I, growls in pain I am sorry.

darkly Not yet you're not. Twists arm harder

Yelps in pain

Stares blankly at the scene. Should we be stopping this?

Draven doesn't know, drama like this has been proven to up ratings...

You can't depend on mindless drama and antics to get ratings! You have to educate people! Give them quality entertainment!

Shrugs All the big shows do it, so that means Draven can do it too.

Then how will your show stand out?

Because it's Draaaaaaven.

You do realize that if Warwick is seriously injured, we will have to pay for his injuries right? Plus the only physician that can treat Warwick charges criminally high for his services, I don't think we want to make visiting him a habit.

sighs Fine. Hey Lux! Knock it off, we have a show to do.

Reluctantly climbs off Warwick and lets him get up. Fine, glares at Warwick if you ever try to hurt my little pumpkin again, that arms gets broken, understand? Kicks Warwick in the gut before storming back to her table.

Walks off the studio while clutching gut She was never this tough on the rift...

Raises eyebrow Impressive Miss Crownguard. I did not know you had that in you.

There's a lot of things you don't know about me...

I know you're a mage.

Gasps Who told!

Okay, can at least one of the two void champions vote so we can get this going?

Moved to chewing on the leg of the table

Clicks in agreement with Fiora

Finally, we are making progress. We can now move to... sigh the third thing.

Runs around with arms outstretched Gnar! Wabba!

#Ability Three: Hyper/Wallop https://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/leagueoflegends/images/f/f2/Hyper.png/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/64?cb=20170228013337 https://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/leagueoflegends/images/2/27/Wallop.png/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/64?cb=20170228012018

Alright, when Gnar is small Hyper is just a passive. Every third attack or ability on the same target deals bonus magic damage and gives Gnar 30-75% bonus movement speed. The damage is 10-50 base damage, scaling on 6-14% of the target's max health plus 100% of his AP. The damage is capped against monsters. Additionally the bonus movement speed is proced when Gnar shrinks.

When Gnar is large this ability becomes an active called Wallop. Gnar slams in the target direction, dealing physical damage and stunning all enemies struck for 1.25 seconds. The base damage is from 25-105 and scales off 100% of his AD

looks around Where is the kid's Advocate?

Flies back in carrying a squirrel Sorry about your rock man, he scared me.

looks down at the creature Galio? Is that you?

Currently a squirrel Sorry boss, I came in too fast. Scared the little one into turning me into a small fuzzy squishy.

Looks at Lulu Well change him back then! I gotta return this guy to the Demacians, and they won't be too happy when they find out about this!

shuffles feet I forgot the magic words.

Well figure it out! After you defend this ability!

What ability?

Forget it. Looks at the judges Time to give your thoughts on this.

The passive is broken. There is no reason he should be able to kite anything so easily. If he buys Frozen mallet there is no hope of a melee catching him after that. It feels to me that his mini form could be a champion in itself, an uncatchable and high damaging kiting machine that is nerfed when he becomes Mega Gnar, because that is when you can fight him.

Hey! He's not broken! He's cute!

And fluffy!

I am only concerned about his power ingame, I am not concerned about his looks. Can you give me a reason he deserves so much movespeed?

Well... Um... I got it!

Let's hear it then.

Hugeify! casts on Galio-squirrel

Grows to immense size, still a squirrel Ha ha! I am big again! Looks at self But still fuzzy. Hmm.

Lulu this isn't helping! Turn him back into a statue!

I'm trying!

I wonder if I can still fly.

NOT IN HERE!

Up up and away! Leaps into air at an angle, crashes through several more walls. Voice comes from outside Still can't fly!

Sinks down in chair and groans

mutters as she stands up to leave. J'en ai eu assez.

Wait don't leave! stands up to stop Fiora We're not done with the show yet!

What show? This has been a waste of my time and has been a series of inane antics with no thought or balance discussions to be had. I wish I was chosen to be a judge when Yasuo was being judged. There were decent conversations to be had back then. It is insulting to me as someone of my caliber to be chosen to judge this disaster of an episode.

Wait! We're trying our very best! And in the end, isn't that all we can do in the end? We just gotta stay positive and push forward! We just had a few technical issues and some communication snafus!

Clicks in agreement, but notes dissatisfaction with Gnar's kit as a whole. Agrees with Fiora's sentiment that Mega Gnar feels like a in game dynamic nerf to hamper the energetic mini Gnar.

_Humphs and hits _

Here, I will try to have a balance talk with you Fiora, the reason Gnar has all this movement speed is so that he can reposition. I don't believe he is broken because when he is small and cute he is mostly single target with his damage, and because of that is weak to being ganged up on.

He can hop away. I don't see how that is a weakness.

Well you see, that's his disengage tool so he isn't completely helpless to grouping.

Do you really feel that he should have an option to everything?

I mean, you kinda have an option to everything...

Can Mundo speak now? Mundo has patiently waited his turn, but--

You are changing the subject. Tell me why you believe Gnar needs all of these tools to kite.

Well I--

What?

Gnar too hard to catch. Cannot feed.

Well there you have it, Gnar gets Teemoed! That's all the time we have for today, remember that--

Wanders around booth, gets hit with a dart. Instead of getting knocked out, gets angry. GNAR!!!! Turns into Mega Gnar

Oh no.

Clicks in satisfaction, then tunnels out of studio

Runs around eating up debris from Gnar's rampage

Runs for cover beneath her desk as destruction ensues

Draven's making an exit! Ducks under a thrown boulder. Before we leave Draven have a request from one of our sponsors. Clears throat. Have a Draven Birthday, BladeSingularity!

You're not leaving without us having a little talk. Draws sword. This show is over, so the rules no longer apply.

shrugs She 'as a point.

Runs off-screen

Stalks after him like a black widow. Personne n'échappe á mon regard.

Smashes through a wall and leaves studio, leaving it silent

Looks around, sees nobody but Lux beneath her table Ooo, it Mundo's turn to speak now! Mundo thinks--

Well, I may want to write in the studio getting wrecked every episode so my long absences make sense. >_>

Anyway, hope you enjoyed and I hope I can make these happen more often. This one was pretty hard to write considering Gnar can't talk, but I hope what I came up with works, Siachi!

And Happy Birthday Blade! It's late by a day, but I wanted to wish you a birthday in writing format!

P.S. For all your story, fanfic, hilarious skit, and poem needs, be sure to check out my archive post to make sure you never miss a single one!

Updated list here of future contestants, from left to right.

Teemo's Advocate: Gnar

46 Comments