Teemo's Advocate: Vi
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LjBPcQHy2wc/U5q6UowKV1I/AAAAAAAARog/hSAIxfwgqhs/s1600/Draven_Splash_3.jpg
Helloooo and welcome back to another episode of Teemo's Advocate! We've been on break for a while but now we're back better than ever! And to prove it Draven has a surprise for all of you. Today's Teemo isn't a Slayer! That's right, we'll be seeing a Slayer judge for once, and Draven's eager to see how it turns out. Now for our contestant, she's the girl with attitude, the criminal turned cop, the Piltover enforcer, give it up for Vi!
Walks in waving to the audience. Hey Draven, what's up?
Everything's been going Draven, Vi. Just Draven.
Uh-huh. Looks around. So the other champs think I'm broken huh? Chuckles as she bumps her fists together. If they're jealous I can make them broken.
Laughs nervously That won't be necessary Vi, I'm sure you'll pass. Now on to the judges. Representing the Marksman class is the Loose Cannon, Jinx!
Curtain rises to show Jinx leaning back in her chair, her boots planted on the table. Her part of the table is already covered in graffiti. Despite the crowd cheering ecstatically, Jinx is glum.
Hey Jinx, something the matter? Draven can see that you're not... you.
It's those stupid guards in the studio. They didn't let me bring Pow-Pow or Fishbones in here! Can you believe it?
Eyes narrow. Voice lowers. Why is she here?
Well when she heard that you were getting on the show next she applied so many times in a row that the system let her in. Draven really has to commend her writing skills. Filled out one hundred applications in a day without her handwriting suffering.
This show is over. I'm taking her in. Leaps down from booth and stalks towards Jinx, but the security guard waddles in front.
Sor'y miss, but no unauthorished contact bet'een the Teemo and the (hic) Judgesh until both are outshide the building premishes.
Out of my way, lard butt! Tries to get around Gragas, but he keeps getting in the way. I don't want to hurt you, now just--Oh who am I kidding? Launches a gauntlet into Gragas's belly; her fist sinks in to the wrist and she almost loses it in the folds of fat. Oh--
Belly springs back and launches Vi back to her booth with a crash. Sr'y miss, but rulesh are rulesh.
Gets back up with a growl and charges Gragas again, shoving him aside this time and rushing to dunk Jinx.
Smirks and pulls out a piece of paper, halting Vi in her tracks. Sorry Fat-Hands, but not a step closer.
What the--- Snatches paper and reads. A restraining order?! Against me?!
Yep! Now you can't get too close to me without having to arrest yourself! Leans forward with a sly tint to her voice. Or maybe Hat Lady has to come and put handcuffs on you.
Snarls and throws the paper back at Jinx's face. Two things. One, Caitlyn is as tightly wound as Piltover's clock, and two, who in their right mind gave you a legally binding protection document with your criminal record?!
#Mundo's Corporate Office
Hmm. Mundo could lend you lawyer to write restraining order, but Mundo is suspicious of criminal record.
Aw come on, pleeeeeeeease?
Well since Ghost Girl asks so nicely, Mundo will lend lawyer. Leans out of chair and bellows down the hall. SECRETARY!
Yes, Mr. Mundo?
Give Ghost Girl lawyer, do what girl asks. Mundo go on lunch.
Of course. Not to worry Sir, I know her name. Right this way Miss A---
Hey did anyone tell you you've been cut in half?
I ought to shut down that company.
Not if I stand in it. Smiles. Can't get near me remember? So shoo.
Stalks back to her booth, fuming. When this is over I'm having someone check the legality of that document.
Well while you are figuring it out, Draven's going to introduce the next judge. She's been trying to find her hero for years, but maybe the hero's closer than she thinks? Give it up for the Keeper of the Hammer, Poppy!
Curtain rises to show her sitting wide-eyed in her seat, taking in all the applause and the studio itself with wonder. Wow, I have never seen this much light in a building before!
Glad you're impressed Poppy.
Hey, think I can find the hero here?
By hero you mean the person able to use the hammer's power?
Yup.
And is able to use it without being injured?
Uh-huh.
And can lift it and use it effectively despite it being as big as she is?
...
...
...
...
Hey you know a lot about the hero! Mind pointing me to her? I didn't know the hero was a girl.
Forget it. Draven's going to introduce the next judge now. Representing the Slayers, we have a special guest. You'll remember him from our last episode! Unforgiven but not Unremembered, Yasuo!
Curtain rises to show Yasuo, sitting calmly. There is muted applause.
So, what brings you here? If Draven remembers correctly, you were due for a Teemoing.
Indeed I was.
But you escaped, so why come back?
Because I'm sending a message. Looks to the dark corner. I only fear hangovers.
Woah. Edgy. Representing the mages, give it up for the Deathsinger! Karthus!
Curtain rises to show Karthus floating just over his chair, in the middle of reciting a poem. ...And death is my sweet reward.
That was beautiful.
Ah, another fan of death. Tell me, how do you see death?
As a girlfriend. Never around when you want her and always around you when you don't. Takes a swig of whiskey.
Silent but a single ghostly tear falls.
Moving on, Our final judge is from the Controller Class, a curious lady that is made of gears and metal yet is somehow more human than my brother, give it up for Orianna!
Curtain rises to show Orianna sitting calmly at her end of the table, with the Ball floating just above her head. Waves to audience and gives a small smile, as best as she can muster. It is a pleasure, Draven.
Hey, I know you! You helped me get this sweet restraining order!
Indeed. The ball remembers. How is it working for you, Miss A--
Alright people, we've delayed long enough, preliminary thoughts before we get started?
Oh yeah, Vi's broken. But she kinda has to be to have any chance of stopping me. And even then she still fails miserably.
Why you little...
Her dueling capabilities are legendary, dare I say almost comparable to me. Almost. But I can actually lifesteal. She's also slow and easy to get away from.
How do you consider her slow? You'd have to be--
Gives intense silence.
Oh yeah. Alright then, Poppy?
Question, preliminary thoughts are first thoughts, right?
Sure are, little lady.
Hmm. Thinks for a minute. I'm kinda hungry and my nose itches. I'm thinking about a--
No, no. Thoughts about Vi.
What about Vi?
Glares impatiently.
Smiles innocently.
Nearly facepalms and sighs. What do you think about Vi? Do you think she's broken, or powerful in the Fields of Justice?
Oh! Not at all Draven, she seems pretty good at what she does, but I have no problem with her.
I hate her. She is the pink-haired tyrant that ensures that I cannot leave lane with her presence. Death is a beautiful thing, but she makes me sick of it when she's around. And I can never hit her. She is too fast for me. She does so much damage so quickly, she is Death, walking among us every moment of every day. She is Death on Runeterra. Takes a moment, realizes what he said. Turns head towards Vi. I love her.
Shudders. No thanks creep.
Allow me to sing you a song. Serenade you with a dirge, perhaps.
Not happening, can we move on? Ori, what do you think about me?
Hey Draven's the guy who tells judges to go on---
I believe that you are a Fighter, a Diver to be precise, with the durability to jump into a confrontation, and the damage to kill a carry. Additionally, your inbuilt shield and unstoppable ultimate ability make it rather... difficult to restrain you. As objectively as I can, you appear to be doing your job. However I must add that I... Subjectively... believe that you are too powerful for what you do. As a fragile mage I can do nothing when I am in your sights. Turns to Draven. Am I using this right? The word, subjective? Does this make me... human?
Well that depends, what do you think it means?
Well, I believe subjective conjecture is ignoring all facts in a problem or dilemma and using fickle and unpredictable emotions. I simply made the conclusion opposite that of a logical one.
Actually, that's not what subjective means---
What, are you saying you cannot deal with a simple Diver? Are your summoners simply inadequate for the task or are you just unable to change strategy when needed?
I am merely saying that I need adequate protection to do my role when Vi is on the enemy team. I believe the term is peel.
Someone needs to curb the reign of you power-drunk mages.
Alright, save the discussion for the show. Which by the way is starting now!
https://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/leagueoflegends/images/7/79/Vault_Breaker.png/revision/latest?cb=20130929123432 #Ability One: Vault Breaker
Alright, this ability has two parts, the first cast lets Vi channel for up to four seconds, increasing the damage, range, and speed over one and a quarter second. She can still move and aim this ability but is slowed by 15%. If she doesn't cast again it is canceled. However on her second cast she dashes forward, dealing damage to all enemies struck and adding a stack of her passive Denting Blows. She stops upon hitting a champion, knocking them back, and this ability deals 33.3% more damage to champions. All other units she hits are pulled towards her.
I'm fine with it. I can stop it easily, and it doesn't hurt that much. 
Eh, this ability stinks like Vi's boots. It does waaay too much damage, and the fact that it knocks us back lets her use that stupid new summoner mastery. It's like getting a shield on top of a shield.
Listen here, in case you haven't noticed, I need something to survive the stupid amounts of damage you marksmen beg and plead for from the head summoners in terms of items and masteries. Excuse me if I want tankiness instead of damage.
Well that's because you already can oneshot marksmen. You're asking for too much.
ME?! You're the one that begged the head summoners to let Zap crit!
Shrugs. It's a gun. All my other guns crit, so it makes sense for this to crit too. Major inconsistency here.
And you say that you marksmen don't ask for more damage? Don't make me laugh.
Hmm. I guess you're right.... 
WHAT WAS THAT FOR YOU LITTLE B@!$!%
Saw that coming, but had sticky hands from a bun.
For disagreeing with me. Smirks. What are you gonna do about it? Waves restraining order in the air.
Grips her booth so hard it creaks.
This ability, her only way to catch me off guard. It usually doesn't work though. I'm fast as the wind.
You know you speak for all Slayers right?
Shrugs. Yeah but none of us have issues with her. Except maybe Ekko. But he shouldn't have betrayed us to join with the Tanks. I have no sympathy. Hears indistinct shouting from the audience. Turns to the source of the sound. I'm don't regret a word of what I said. Maybe next time don't follow Fizz's example just because he's slick with his outplays. In case you haven't noticed we hate him too.
Ohhh Death.... Ohhhh Death...
Knock it off and vote you talentless hack.
...
Fixes Karthus with a death glare.
What---
I am being subjective. I do not like your kind. Looks to Draven. Does this make me more human?
Making those baby steps Ori, looks like you got your first ability Gutted Vi. Sorry about that.
Don't think for a minute that I forgot that you got Jinx's hands on a restraining order, you pile of scrap. I'll tear you apart next.
Technically I did not. I merely provided the resources to get a legal document to Miss A---
Let's move on folks, we're on a schedule!
https://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/leagueoflegends/images/4/41/Denting_Blows.png/revision/latest?cb=20130929123430 #Ability Two: Denting Blows
Alright folks, this one is a passive ability only, no active. Basically every time she Vault Breaks an enemy or basic attacks them, they get a stack of Denting Blows. Now the fun begins when she gets three. At that many she consumes them all to deal bonus physical damage to enemies, capped against non-champs, equal to 4% to 10% of their max health, getting an extra 1% of max heath damage for every bonus 35 damage Vi has. Additionally it also gives Vi 30% to 50% extra attack speed for 4 seconds and reduces armor of her target by 20%.
Winces. Well, that ability does hurt, a lot.
Hits button on booth. I want an Advocate.
Blows dust off of remote. Well finally, been wanting to try this new remote, but the network only wanted me to use it for contacting Advocates. So, who will it be?
Caitlyn.
Alright, here we go. Hits button on remote, and a screen descends from the ceiling. Static covers the screen for a second, but it quickly resolves into the image of the Sheriff of Piltover.
Greetings Draven, Vi. Not to worry, I was watching the show before I got called on, I know what to do.
Excellent Cait, now tell our judges why Vi should keep this ability.
Clears throat. Well, Vi is a Diver, in other words designed to be equally effective against both squishy targets and tanky targets, with a slight lean towards squishy targets. This ability is designed mainly to help her team duel tanks, it does little against squishies. Think about it, the bonus damage will do little against a squishy target as their health pools are small, the delay in activating gives squishy targets a chance to escape or kite. Typically targets Vi gets the full passive on are tanky targets that get into extended trades, allowing her to grab the advantage of the fight. Additionally the lack of another activatable ability actually gives Vi a disadvantage in a trade, as her tricks are always limited compared to her opponent. Someone who dives in and out of a fight can easily keep Vi from gaining stacks, and with mere auto attacks as the source of her trading strength, Vi needs all the help she can get to do her job, especially considering that she typically doesn't build attack speed. Any questions?
Yes. Why the armor shred? It seems unnecessary with her max health damage.
Well, this armor shred is a percentage shred, meaning it only really effects tanky targets, who are her secondary target. It won't do much against targets who don't build much armor in the first place. Essentially, this ability allows her to duel tanks and Juggernauts.
Wow, that sounds really convincing!
Hmm. I find many things wrong with Vi, but this isn't one of them.
Hey Hat Lady!
Lip twitches. Hello Jinx. What are you up to this time?
Nothing. Adds under her breath, This time. Speaks normally. Hey do you ever use your cuffs on Vi?
Eyes widen. That has nothing to do with Vi's abilities, and---
Hehe, I think it does.
AND that is not our relationship dynamic. We're not even---
I am going to punch you so hard that you're going to be smiling out of the other side of your face!
Yawns and holds up restraining order. Don't think so copper.
Where did you get that?
From Mundo's best lawyers. Simply put, Jinx cannot be approached by you, Vi, or any of the Piltoveran authorities. With our help she has filed a complaint against you for interfering in her recreation activities without due course.
Okay, Draven thinks that this is getting out of hand---
Recreation?! Is that what you call the wholesale destruction of private property and the endangering of lives, recreation?!
Recreation is defined as activity done for enjoyment when one is not working. If that is what she does for enjoyment, it is technically recreation, and you cannot legally interfere with the restraining order in place.
She endangers people's lives! This is not recreation, this is bloody madness!
Plenty of recreation activities endanger people's lives, including martial arts, competitive fighting, jumping from airplanes, bullfighting, would you like me to go on?
Why are you even defending her?
She is technically a client of my employer, thus I am obligated to fulfill Mundo's wishes, and he wants her to be protected by copious amounts of what he calls "legalese." I believe he is motivated by good will, as he has graciously accepted the client's monetary gift.
Okay, this isn't a law show, this is---
He was bribed. And that money was likely stolen.
The Piltover Bank was robbed just two days ago! She gave him stolen money!
My employer likes to avoid asking questions of his clientele. He says it makes for less paperwork.
Notice me, my love.
Raises eyebrow. New friend Vi?
Pops gum in her mouth. He wishes.
Okay, looks like we have a majority vote. Vi, your ability was spared. You have a good Advocate.
Yeah, she's cool.
I'm getting to the bottom of the legality of that document. This is Caitlyn, signing off.
You know that you're not on a movie set right? No need to say "signing off".
Flushes. Well, I always wanted to say that. Signs off.
{{summoner:33}} {{summoner:33}} {{summoner:33}}
#Ability Three: Excessive Force
This ability is simple. Passively Vi gains charges. Every 14 to 8 seconds depending on rank she gets a new one, up to two maximum. On activation she spends a charge to give her next auto attack bonus range, damaging enemies in a cone. It also resets Vi's attack timer. It scales on 70% AP as well, surprisingly. along with 115% of her Attack damage, though the base damage is low, scaling from 10 to 90.
115% attack damage scaling? That sounds crazy even to me. You won't be seeing any of my damage scalings that high.
My damage scalings are high? Why don't we talk about your---
I say we gut it. It's high time us Marksmen have it good. Can't have that with law enforce--I mean broken champs running around now can we?
Do you not see the low base damage on the spell?
Yeah, that's how much damage it should do period. You already reset your basic attack timer AND you build lots of attack damage, so you shouldn't notice a difference. Except of course, with us marksmen surviving to throw punches back.
Are you serious? You guys get coddled by the head summoners for long enough. Spits on the ground. It's about time you marksmen have a bad time in the Fields.
We have. Haven't ya heard about the meme the summoners are passing around? Mentioning our weakness? Hmm?
Scoffs You mean the ones made by the summoners who are used to getting free wins by playing you and get shocked when they get thrown into difficult matches? Don't make me laugh, they aren't skilled. You can't experience a fight, truly experience a fight without getting your hands dirty.
Watches Vi and Jinx arguing. Can I vote so we can get this going faster? I really have to find this hero.
Please do.
Doesn't the fact that this spell reset's Vi's auto attack timer allow her to apply all three stacks really really fast? So it like removes the delay mechanic from the spell, making it more of a burst tool than a tool to be used in a drawn out encounter?
Wow. That was quite an observation.
Looks at Poppy, impressed. That is quite the observation. It does explain how I can get bursted down so quickly by Vi, and in my death recap the Ball mentions me getting damaged from Denting Blows despite my calculations deeming it impossible for her to apply 3 stacks in the time it took me to die. Either this ability or her passive Denting Blows needs to be toned down.
Um, yeah. What you said.
And you know what else? I'm not even your sister!
Who on Runterra says that you're my sister? That's the most ridiculous thing I--
Looks like you got another ability Gutted, Vi.
What?! When did that--- Turns to glare at Poppy and Orianna.
Gulps and points at Draven. He told me too.
I was following Poppy's lead. I am unfamiliar with the rules.
Turns to glare at Draven. Those axes are going to go into a very uncomfortable place, Noxian.
Winced. We needed to keep the show rolling. My producer isn't happy that these have varying length, and seemed to be filled with more filler than actual analysis. But then I told him that the filler keeps ratings high.
I don't care. I want a chance to keep my abilities. And you're going to give me that chance before I remove your chances of breathing through your nose for the next week. Brandishes fist.
Moving on!
Oh no you don't! You turn this show back around before I--
{{summoner:33}} {{summoner:33}}
https://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/leagueoflegends/images/3/30/Assault_and_Battery.png/revision/latest?cb=20130929123428 #Ability Four: Assault and Battery
Breaths heavily, sensually. Whispers into the mic with the alluring tension of a nighttime romantic drama under the full moon. Greetings. This part of our production will be hosted by me. Prepare yourselves for a riveting performance of our main cast as they struggle with their internal demons, as well as an external demon. The Golden Demon.
Oh hey Jhin!
Hello my dear, how are things? Cries out as he gets shoved off his seat by Draven.
Out of Draven's seat! And where did you even come from?
Well, at least four decades ago, I was shoved, kicking and screaming, into the canvas of this world. My paintbrush was---
Yeah Draven doesn't care. Get out.
Skulks as he walks off camera.
Waves him goodbye.
Scowls. What is he, your boyfriend?
Shrugs. Don't know. We didn't get to that part of our story yet.
Face twists in confusion. What?
Ladies, if we can please get to the ability description...
Blame her! Her very presence is making this show... chaotic.
Moans in pleasure off-screen. Yes Jinx! Spread chaos my fellow agent of destruction! Be my counterpoint! Together we are a balanced force of beautiful art!
Leans back in his audience seat. Well now I can't apprehend him.
Jhin stop your artistic moaning! This is a family show!
Afraid we're past that point.
Runs fingers through his hair. This is getting out of control. Assault and Battery is Vi's ultimate. I'm sure you're all familiar. She dashes towards a champion, unable to be stopped, knocking them up and dealing 150/300/450 physical damage with a 140% bonus attack damage scaling. Any other enemy champions in her path get knocked aside for 75% of this damage.
Um, I know I shouldn't like it, but it honestly looks really cool. And she looks really heroic when she does it. Hey are you the hero?
I doubt it. Her voice is flat.
Oh.
Typically, getting hit by that spell spells instant death for me. But anything to get closer to you. Your grip is as cold and dark as a death-filled corpse, with eyes so... attentive. Nearly dead.
Face flushes with anger. Hey!
I hate and love you as well. Let's make out.
Face twists in disgust. How about you go and %@#$& off?
This is getting serious. Twice in one day? I knew adding armored bears to the League would drop our quality bar.
Looks crestfallen, though not much different than his usual face. Then he lied to me. He mutters. Never trust the new guy.
Frowns at empty bottle of beer. I knew I should have brought another bottle. Honestly it was the only thing keeping me attentive in this nightmare. Leans on table, steeples fingers. It seems to me that you're riding on the sympathy board of your damage being unreliable but frankly I don't see it. Caitlyn claimed your Denting Blows were hard to apply to squishy champions, you can simply auto reset with Excessive Force and apply three stacks quickly. Add this to your rather high scalings and bases, ulting a squishy or even someone moderately tanky followed by an auto, Excessive Force, auto, and Vault Breaker is often enough to break them. Essentially you're a walking nuke with only moderately aim-able damage. Your damage is reliable and will always be reliable as long as your ult is the way that it is. For that reason I'm voting Gut.
That is very astute Yasuo, though may I point out that we are supposed to be subjective in our analyses? Avoid logic all together and vote based on whether we like Vi or not.
That isn't what subjective means...
I am subjective. I don't like Vi, which is why I bothered to make this kind of argument against her. I could likely come up with an argument for her as well, I simply didn't feel like it.
Oh. Well I concur.
I hate you too. But at least you can give a good reason for your vote. Can't argue with that. I am walking destruction. And I am not apologizing for that.
Does this mean...
Never.
Gonna vote Gut 'cuz Vi can't stop me!
That's it! Shoves booth aside. Screw that restraining order, I'll be arrested with you if I have to! Chases Jinx around the studio, with Jinx suddenly pulling out Zap and shooting wildly.
{{summoner:33}}
Looks like Vi's getting Teemoed! Ducks under an errant blast and dives under the table amidst the destruction. That's all for today! This is Draven, signing off! Shouts offscreen Never take Jinx as a judge again!
Throws up a windwall and takes his leave.
Wanders off. Guess it's over. Now where's that hero?
Going to give him a piece of my mind. Floats off.
and take their chase off camera, the booth moves as footprints move to intercept the two.
Screen comes down in the midst of the devastation. I found the answer Vi! As it turns out the restraining order becomes null if she commits a crime! Looks around. Vi?
Lets out a mechanical squeal that sounds like a poor imitation of laughter, startling everyone. I have done it! I have lied! I am becoming human!
Long time coming, sorry about that. Was on a two week break, but then that kinda extended to over the break as well. I want to get back to my fic with a blast, so expect two chapters next week. Thanks to time zones I still submitted something this week, so see you then! Expect the usual schedule with one chapter of my fic and one edition of Teemo's Advocate a week!
P.S. For all your story, fanfic, hilarious skit, and poem needs, be sure to check out my discussion page to make sure you never miss a single one! There may be some digging required for the older ones, but it should be easier to find them because I'm no longer planning on making any threads that are not one of the previously mentioned creations.
Updated list here of future contestants, from left to right.
