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Journey to Thy Golden Mustache!

Riot·12/3/2015, 1:25:45 AM·5 votes·64,291 views

Welcome to Braum’s Game Night, friends! Tonight, we play Castles and Cows: Journey to Thy Golden Mustache!


This sounds like something you literally just made up.



What? Of course not. I learned this tabletop role-playing game from...uh… my mother….Enough talk! Now we create our characters.


I want to be an archer who was cursed by an ancient evil monster thing!



That’s...but you can’t….Braum, help me out here.



Let the puny purple man have his bows. You can be a traveling cleric who raises his hands to the sky and treats the sun with respect.


Can I get drunk?



Uh….sure!



I will be a wizard with great power, carrying with me an enchanted tome and a magical scroll.



You just described yourself.



Wrong. My beard, it will be...WHITE!



And I will be the strongest, bravest knight in all the land. People will love me and I will have infinity friends and all the princesses will be like: “Ohhh Braum Lionheart, you’re so brave and handsome. Take me to the royal dance.” But I’ll be like: “Princesses please, I serve the weak and defenseless. I have no time for royal dances.”


...Uh,what just happened there?



Braum, I’m starting to think you made this game up too.



….*Rolls dice*....Oh look at that! A giant dragon is attacking a nearby village. We should stop talking about everything else and go deal with that. Like, now.


I’m… I’m coming for you…. you big stupid... dragon! *passes out*


Master every dungeon with Gragas Caskbreaker, Ryze Whitebeard, Varus Swiftbolt, and Braum Lionheart, now slinging sorcery in the store for 750 RP each.

315 Comments

King Dellron12/7/2015, 7:12:03 PM913 votes

Yasuo "Ok, we need to figure out who will take the One Doran's Ring to the Magma Chamber and destroy it."

Gragas "The magma chamber is a myth. They never finished it, only left it as an incomplete promise."

Veigar "Oh, it's very real. I, Veigar Greybeard have seen it, once. It is where Phantom Karthus forged the Doran's Ring, and it is where we shall destroy it."

Amumu "I will take it there, but I do not know the way."

Veigar "Yordo, you? Well, alright then, you have my staff."

Garen "And my sword."

Amumu "Thank you, Garengorn."

Varus "And my bow."

Braum "My shield too."

Gragas "And my Barrel."

Varus "How is that going to help us on our journey?"

Gragas "Because, silly elf. We need something to relax us after a hard day's work. Hahahahaha!"

Annie "GET EM TIBBERS!!!!!"

Veigar "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!!!" "Destroys bridge, knocking himself and Tibbers down it."

Amumu "GREYBEARD NOOOOO!!!!!!!"

Veigar "Flash you fools."

Garen "We have to go, now!"

Amumu "Let me save him, he was our carry!!!!!!"

Gragas "So you got us lost in the woods with your, "tracking skills." Now what?"

Varus "I am sure Garengorn knows what he is doing."

Braum "You guys need have trust. Like we trust Yordo to deliver the Dorans Ring, we must trust Garengorn to lead us. Oh ho, that is a bright light."

Ryze "Yes, Mr. Lionheart. It is I, Ryze Whitebeard. I am the revived version of Veigar Greybeard. Phantom Karthus is going to attack Middle-Runterra soon. We must prepare."

Garen "Hmm, you are a little bit taller than I remember."

Ryze "Is that a short joke?"

Amumu "We are almost there, Ram. If I feed, you will have to carry me."

Rammus "Ok."

Amumu "You are a man of many words, Ram. Maybe one day we can go back to the BandleShire, and you can plant that Maokai you always wanted to."

RiotSargonas12/7/2015, 9:00:29 PM105 votes

This intro was FRIGHTENINGLY accurate to far too many D&D sessions that I've run here at Riot!

How Do You Meta12/7/2015, 7:20:50 PM51 votes

*praising the sun intensifies*

xXTurdFergusonXx12/7/2015, 7:11:49 PM38 votes

Oh my god ....I mean ....the nerd scale just went off the charts. A D&D themed skin group ....next thing you know Rito will open a RolePlaying region where you get banned if you don't talk in chat in character. Something smells rotten here ............

Jhinstalock12/7/2015, 7:32:33 PM30 votes

They're taking the hobbits to Isengard! Varus

LezbianLizard6912/7/2015, 8:07:28 PM29 votes

So Ryze is Gandalf the White, Varrus is Garret from Thief, Braum is King Richard "Lionheart," and Gragas is Solaire from Dark Souls, and all of this in the theme of a Dungeons & Dragons party. BEST 750 SKINS EVER!!

lightdragoon8812/7/2015, 7:05:21 PM28 votes

I swear I had noting to do with this.

Kekyoin34712/7/2015, 10:15:38 PM25 votes

Xerath So I'm the final boss, right?

Urgot Nah, I got that job already. I'm the scariest thing they could find.

Hecarim I'm right here, you know.

Urgot Horses aren't scary.

Hecarim Excuse me, but I am a shadow of war, not a horse.

Zed Did someone say shadow?

Xerath Oh goddamnit, who's the real final boss.

Gragas I'M burps THE REAL FINAL BOSS.

Urgot ...You're one of the adventurers...

Gragas SHUT UP AND... FIGHT... M-ME... passes out

Hecarim So we still don't have a final boss then.

Veigar Well, I have a final boss skin, so I am the final boss.

Urgot Cool, and I'm a giant crab as a skin. What's your point?

Aatrox Fools. I am the true boss.

everyone starts beating up each other in an attempt to prove they are the true boss Veigar Well, it seems I am the only one left. I guess I'm the bo-

Amumu appears and kills him by mistake

Gragas wakes up

Gragas Oh, sorry, got a lil' tipsy there. Now where's the final boss?

looks at Amumu

Gragas Ah, there he is. KILL HIM!

the party beats up Amumu

So they all killed Amumu and lived happily ever after. The end.

10/10 Dnd campaign would write again.

M4geBlade12/7/2015, 7:37:28 PM22 votes

anyone notice that Gragas is sunbro from Darksouls? Praise the sun!item 3069

Ysenna12/7/2015, 7:30:08 PM18 votes

Poppy wild Poppy appears

Nearance12/7/2015, 7:29:41 PM13 votes

Next level skins group introduction.

HawaiianxBlood12/7/2015, 7:32:14 PM4 votes

Upvote for no reason.