Journey to Thy Golden Mustache!

Riot·Dec 3, 2015·5 votes·64,291 views

Welcome to Braum’s Game Night, friends! Tonight, we play Castles and Cows: Journey to Thy Golden Mustache!

This sounds like something you literally just made up.

What? Of course not. I learned this tabletop role-playing game from...uh… my mother….Enough talk! Now we create our characters.

I want to be an archer who was cursed by an ancient evil monster thing!

That’s...but you can’t….Braum, help me out here.

Let the puny purple man have his bows. You can be a traveling cleric who raises his hands to the sky and treats the sun with respect.

Can I get drunk?

Uh….sure!

I will be a wizard with great power, carrying with me an enchanted tome and a magical scroll.

You just described yourself.

Wrong. My beard, it will be...WHITE!

And I will be the strongest, bravest knight in all the land. People will love me and I will have infinity friends and all the princesses will be like: “Ohhh Braum Lionheart, you’re so brave and handsome. Take me to the royal dance.” But I’ll be like: “Princesses please, I serve the weak and defenseless. I have no time for royal dances.”

...Uh,what just happened there?

Braum, I’m starting to think you made this game up too.

….*Rolls dice*....Oh look at that! A giant dragon is attacking a nearby village. We should stop talking about everything else and go deal with that. Like, now.

I’m… I’m coming for you…. you big stupid... dragon! *passes out*

Master every dungeon with Gragas Caskbreaker, Ryze Whitebeard, Varus Swiftbolt, and Braum Lionheart, now slinging sorcery in the store for 750 RP each.

315 Comments

King DellronDec 7, 2015913 votes

Yasuo "Ok, we need to figure out who will take the One Doran's Ring to the Magma Chamber and destroy it."

Gragas "The magma chamber is a myth. They never finished it, only left it as an incomplete promise."

Veigar "Oh, it's very real. I, Veigar Greybeard have seen it, once. It is where Phantom Karthus forged the Doran's Ring, and it is where we shall destroy it."

Amumu "I will take it there, but I do not know the way."

Veigar "Yordo, you? Well, alright then, you have my staff."

Garen "And my sword."

Amumu "Thank you, Garengorn."

Varus "And my bow."

Braum "My shield too."

Gragas "And my Barrel."

Varus "How is that going to help us on our journey?"

Gragas "Because, silly elf. We need something to relax us after a hard day's work. Hahahahaha!"

Annie "GET EM TIBBERS!!!!!"

Veigar "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!!!" "Destroys bridge, knocking himself and Tibbers down it."

Amumu "GREYBEARD NOOOOO!!!!!!!"

Veigar "Flash you fools."

Garen "We have to go, now!"

Amumu "Let me save him, he was our carry!!!!!!"

Gragas "So you got us lost in the woods with your, "tracking skills." Now what?"

Varus "I am sure Garengorn knows what he is doing."

Braum "You guys need have trust. Like we trust Yordo to deliver the Dorans Ring, we must trust Garengorn to lead us. Oh ho, that is a bright light."

Ryze "Yes, Mr. Lionheart. It is I, Ryze Whitebeard. I am the revived version of Veigar Greybeard. Phantom Karthus is going to attack Middle-Runterra soon. We must prepare."

Garen "Hmm, you are a little bit taller than I remember."

Ryze "Is that a short joke?"

Amumu "We are almost there, Ram. If I feed, you will have to carry me."

Rammus "Ok."

Amumu "You are a man of many words, Ram. Maybe one day we can go back to the BandleShire, and you can plant that Maokai you always wanted to."

PROJECT FizzDec 7, 201510 votes

Oh..... Dear...... God.

ZirzonDec 7, 201599 votes

Oh... Dear... *Eru Ilúvatar

King DellronDec 7, 201526 votes

This guy knows whats up, +1.

LeonValendilDec 8, 20158 votes

Someone get this man a Silmaril item 3363 Mega-props for an awesome story and solid Tolkein lore respectively.

ProtestantCaesarDec 7, 201539 votes

That was hilarious. But is Yasuo supposed to be Elrond, just because of his forehead looking like Hugo Weaving's? Character-wise, I'd say he's a better match for Aragorn than Garen is.

There might even be a reference to Aragorn in Yasuo's dialogue. Yasuo says "A wanderer isn't always lost." The poem about Aragorn says "Not all those who wander are lost."

King DellronDec 7, 201519 votes

Yeah, Yasuo would have been a great Aragorn too. But I have always compared Rugged Garen to Aragorn, to me they look so similar. Plus, I liked the Garengorn pun.

As far as Yas being Elrond. He just felt like the right choice to me.

NighmaDec 7, 201513 votes

I swear that molly be getting stronger each day.

LatorrexDec 7, 201571 votes

summoner 4 "Flash you fools" lol

FavoriteKouhaiDec 7, 201516 votes

this needs more upvotes

Dr Ruthless xDDec 7, 201527 votes

Velkoz "your journey will soon be over.eye will stop you"

Awesomeisme2Dec 7, 201515 votes

ohh no the eye of sauron has returned

rocko1232244Dec 7, 201513 votes

wouldn't Shyvana be the monster in the mines?

64910591_DELDec 8, 201530 votes

Yo what if there was a Hobbit one, Shyv would be Smaug

...Gimme a minute, it might not be good but here goes :P

Teemo (Steals shyv's red buff, and goes invisible)

Shyvana Well... thief... I smell you...

I hear your breath... I feel your air...

Where are you? Where are you?

Come now, don't be shy.

Step into the light.

Teemo (comes out of hiding)

Shyvana There you are, thief in the shadows.

Teemo I did not come to steal from you, O Shyv, the stupendous. I merely wanted to gaze upon your magnificence; to see... to see if you really were as OP as the patch notes say. (whimpers) I did not believe them!

Shyvana (Steals baron, then gets a pentakill)

Shyvana AND DO YOU... NOW?

RiotRiotAetherDec 7, 2015510 votes

"Flash you fools."

Lost it. +1.

honorspellDec 7, 201513 votes

dang even rito loves dellron.

King DellronDec 7, 2015165 votes

A rioter likes my story?

QUICK, GRAGAS CASKBREAKER. PREPARE THE DRINKS, WE BE HAVING A CELEBRATION.

Rew711Dec 8, 201522 votes

Now, do this, but with Star Wars.

SpadedDuceDec 8, 201521 votes

Sivir = Leya Urgot = Jaba the Hut MasterYi = Obi Wan Yasuo = Luke Veigar = Palpatine Gangplank or manybe Graves = Han Solo Kassadin = Vader

this thing pretty much writes itself

Rew711Dec 8, 201510 votes

We can also have Garen as Luke Lux as Leya Jayce as Han Volibear as Chewy TahmKench as Jabba Orianna can be a female version of C3P0 and the ball is R2D2 Zilean is Ben (Obi Won) Lucian is Lando Kassadin is also my pick for Vader Veigar is Yoda Karthus is the emperor this will be the understudy cast

ArisenHeroDec 8, 201524 votes

Bard Mesa called Bar Bard Binks. Mesa your humble servant.

MasterYi That won't be necessary.

Bard Oh but it is; demanded by the Summoners it is.

MasterYi Wuju just leave me alone.

Gx3 Cool JoseDec 7, 201562 votes

Anivia don't worry the eagles will save y'all!

Nik NikersonDec 7, 201531 votes

I feel as though Gravelord Azir makes for a better Sauron than Phantom Karthus. I mean his mask looks pretty Sauron-like, he has his own evil hordes, and he has his own dark tower to hang out in.

On a related note, is anyone else disappointed Gravelord Azir's towers don't have a giant eye floating above them?

Dolbi1nonlyDec 8, 20158 votes

What about Lord Mordekaiser? He looks kind of like Lord Sauron with the mace and resembles Sauron's master from Tolkien's book "The Silmarillion". Gravelord Azir seems more like he could be the Witch King of Angmar. He has his own troops to follow him and he leads them into battle just like the Witch King did with the Nazgûl. And yes you're right those towers would be nice with an eye. :)

DreamspitterDec 8, 201511 votes

Gravelord Azir is the Witch King.

NecrosideDec 7, 201527 votes

Wouldn't Maokai be treebeard? Lord of the Ents?

ChoasExperimentDec 7, 201516 votes

Rammus "Ok."

LMAO

Shoo Shoo PannaDec 7, 20156 votes

You had me sign in to just to +1 this. Here you deserve my first +1.

RiotSargonasDec 7, 2015105 votes

This intro was FRIGHTENINGLY accurate to far too many D&D sessions that I've run here at Riot!

nosafterburnDec 8, 201516 votes

you should stream your games for moneys and entertainment =)

Warpath62Dec 8, 20158 votes

I would watch it :D I love DnD and League this would make the best of two worlds!

How Do You MetaDec 7, 201551 votes

*praising the sun intensifies*

xXTurdFergusonXxDec 7, 201538 votes

Oh my god ....I mean ....the nerd scale just went off the charts. A D&D themed skin group ....next thing you know Rito will open a RolePlaying region where you get banned if you don't talk in chat in character. Something smells rotten here ............

Adaren21Dec 7, 201536 votes

I would play no one but rammus for that

Matthias23Dec 7, 201534 votes

Rammus ok

HeriticDec 7, 201514 votes

Thats a Dark Souls gragas PRAISE THE SUN item 3751 Leona

JhinstalockDec 7, 201530 votes

They're taking the hobbits to Isengard! Varus

LezbianLizard69Dec 7, 201529 votes

So Ryze is Gandalf the White, Varrus is Garret from Thief, Braum is King Richard "Lionheart," and Gragas is Solaire from Dark Souls, and all of this in the theme of a Dungeons & Dragons party. BEST 750 SKINS EVER!!

lightdragoon88Dec 7, 201528 votes

I swear I had noting to do with this.

SynroseDec 7, 20157 votes

Mhmmmm...

lightdragoon88Dec 7, 20157 votes

I swear.

Kekyoin347Dec 7, 201525 votes

Xerath So I'm the final boss, right?

Urgot Nah, I got that job already. I'm the scariest thing they could find.

Hecarim I'm right here, you know.

Urgot Horses aren't scary.

Hecarim Excuse me, but I am a shadow of war, not a horse.

Zed Did someone say shadow?

Xerath Oh goddamnit, who's the real final boss.

Gragas I'M burps THE REAL FINAL BOSS.

Urgot ...You're one of the adventurers...

Gragas SHUT UP AND... FIGHT... M-ME... passes out

Hecarim So we still don't have a final boss then.

Veigar Well, I have a final boss skin, so I am the final boss.

Urgot Cool, and I'm a giant crab as a skin. What's your point?

Aatrox Fools. I am the true boss.

everyone starts beating up each other in an attempt to prove they are the true boss Veigar Well, it seems I am the only one left. I guess I'm the bo-

appears and kills him by mistake

wakes up

Gragas Oh, sorry, got a lil' tipsy there. Now where's the final boss?

looks at

Gragas Ah, there he is. KILL HIM!

the party beats up

So they all killed Amumu and lived happily ever after. The end.

10/10 Dnd campaign would write again.

Anakin The WeirdDec 8, 201512 votes

The fight raged on for a century. Many lives were claimed but eventually the Champion stood, the rest saw the better, DrMundo in a blood stained sweater.