Today I got Perma-banned, I understand why(no excuses), and what I learned.

Phuix·Jun 2, 2016·2 votes·672 views

Sure, I am toxic. Absolutely, without a doubt, toxic.

I understand why I cannot keep my finger off the trigger. That's my problem, and I am trying to deal with it. I just cannot, under certain conditions control myself. I knew, after my last game I was getting banned. I lost complete control and knew it was coming. Like watching a slow-mo train wreck, I couldn't control it. I seen it piling up and without a doubt knew I was killing my account. I just couldn't stop myself. After the 15th death on bot lane in 10 minutes, I just couldn't stop myself form raging.

What I have learned is to never spend money on Riot games again, that I need child safety locks on my chat, and that I will need to level up many different accounts simultaneously.

See y'all on a different account and hopefully I don't rage.

8 Comments

DankstinJun 2, 20163 votes

I have something to say about this, but I won't reply unless you agree to actually read it and try to understand what it means. It's going to be in-depth and from personal experience.

PhuixJun 2, 20161 votes

I will listen and read it.

I rage on things I cannot control. It's a control issue, for sure. I want to be able to control it, I just cannot. I'm not asking for my account back, I have no excuses for my behavior. I'm just stating I literally cannot control it. Thus, I will have to to take measure to protect myself, from myself.

Such as never buying Riot points again, and making multiple accounts so I have something to play.

Like an alcoholic, I cannot control myself. It's something much more than being toxic.

I'm willing to listen.

DankstinJun 2, 20164 votes

If you don't decide within yourself that you want to change, you won't change. I have a rage problem myself, and it's ongoing. It's hard to turn off, but the key is to not let it start in the first place. I was once addicted to putting lots of sugar in my coffee. My body craved it, but starting a few months ago, I stopped putting it in because of various reasons - health, dental, actual sugar intake, research on what happens to your body when you stop eating sugar... All these things were worth the attempt in my head to try in the first place. You have to find a reason to change, or change will not come. Change doesn't come anyway - you make changes yourself. They don't just happen. You have to catalyze your own behavioral alterations with the knowledge that the potential benefits can outweigh the mental load it takes off you to stress your points in such a manic manner.

I have almost completely stopped raging simply because I have personally bought way too many skins to waste my account on the endorphin release that comes with "telling people what for" or however you want to phrase it. Typing wastes time if it's not something important that moves the team towards winning the game. You need to acknowledge a certain fact: Every player is controlled by a person, and people aren't perfect. You aren't perfect, your teammates aren't perfect, and your opponents aren't perfect. Do you like it when you're raged at? Hell no you don't. That's a rhetorical question. It doesn't do anything for you. Your opponent stressing to you issues you already know through your own actions just adds fuel to the fire. You can get over your rage problem by acting and thinking logically rather than acting and thinking emotionally. Nothing you say/scream/allchat/yell/caps/cuss at anyone is going to HELP your situation, it isn't going to get a point across in away they'll absorb it into their brain to change their habits that caused you to lash out in the first place, and it's emptying the glass, so to speak.

You can look at a game either half empty, or half full, but the thing is, players are the way they are, and raging at them isn't going to change their habits/behavior/tendencies/playstyle/personality, etc. There is a discrepancy that the statement "You are the only common denominator to every game you play" where it only applies in certain situations, well whoever tells you it only applies in certain situations is COMPLETELY WRONG ON 100% of ANY POINT THEY CAN MAKE against the fact. It's a fact. The TF player who fed 0/18/2 last game is not the 3/9/1 Annie player who keeps stealing CS from the adc and her only kills are ks's starving your jungler Xin who keeps being counterjungled by the enemy Kindred. You are the same player who selected the champion that played in your last game, and the series of decisions you make each game causes consistencies that are like a thread throughout your wins and losses. It's up to you to learn and acknowledge what about each game you did wrong and right, and raging isn't going to help you realize those aspects.

Creating a new account without changing both your perspective and BEHAVIOR isn't going to help your case in any aspect. It's up to you to positively effect the outcomes of your own games, be the games wins by landslides, or losses with 3 afks.

PhuixJun 2, 20162 votes

I read it and listened to it.

Couple of things, changing my perspective is already there. Changing the behavior is a bit trickier. The behaviors on are onset triggers that conflict with my PTSD. I in a, literally sense, cannot help it. I try, trust me I try. I do well for awhile, but then a pattern of game losses happen, like 2 different 12 game loss streaks happen. I lost my cool. At the tail end of it happening up and down, and consistently losing to the same behaviors out of different people, makes me feel insane. To release that pressure, I have to vent. I have tried numerous things, I have tried the tabbing out. I have tried removing all chat, I have tried taking long extended breaks from the game.

This is a mental health issue, I'm currently in very intense exposure therapy and the Ph.D said I need to expose myself to my problems, rather than hide from them. So, in the last couple of months, have been trying to play again, but alas it resulted in a ban. It's all part of my therapy to help me deal with my issues. So, I just learned not to dump money into the game anymore. And I literally cannot help it.

Part of the problem with PTSD is that I have the inability, limited, ability to control the lizard-brain part. The fight or flight response. In certain instances, I cannot control myself. I self-destruct, purposefully and intently. I remove all targets in my path, at least in my mind. Once that starts or get activated, it's over for me. I lose it.

I would welcome the sanity that comes with being at peace with things, I cannot change.

*Also my therapist asked this question out of me. If the chat part is such a problem, why is it there, and why can't it be removed if you can just mute everyone anyways?

I didn't have answer for this.

oSEXYPLATYPUSoJul 7, 20161 votes

hmm i dont mean for this to come across wrong but sometimes in text context is misunderstood, so please dont take offense its not what is meant. it sucks that you are dealing with PTSD. I am glad that you are seeking help for your issues. i dont know if you are on medication to help if not is there any that would? I personally deal with depression on and off and have anti social behavior. I try to use league as a way to relax after a day of work, I chose my profession based on my issues with people. I am an auto tech for a dealership, i dont have to deal with public often and i get to work alone and cars dont talk back if you're in a bad mood or dont question why you dont wanna talk. due to how i am , sometimes i think to myself after a stressful game of toxicity and flaming that league would be so great with out 9 random people in the game but bots arent enough to keep me from being bored. when i feel depressed i try to do things that would trigger a chemical change in brain chemistry, such as i go work out. diet has a lot to do with it too. i need to be healthier but alot of times i eat when im upset and then im upset im eating too much and so on. its a cycle and its tough, but you have to take things one at a time. small victories. play a game where every one is muted. if you dont rage , success. then try with language filters so you are some what censored to the worst of it and if you dont have an episode, success. maybe play the game from the mindset of fun instead of proving how good you are or need to be? i dont do rank cuz i truly dont care if im silver or diamond. maybe if you just played normals for fun and not rank which provides stress to perform and do well and your mood is influenced on every game you would have less triggers. I dont know what can help but these are suggestions. one of the best things for me when im in whatever fuked up mood i may be in is music. i can lose myself in some of my favorite bands and help release whatever emotions im going through. best of luck.

DaahLeonJun 2, 20161 votes

Well.. i got an account perma-banned aswell... what i learned is to just mute the players that trigger me, and if it doesnt go well for them and i feel like i "need" to "rage" at them i tab out, and breathe. no matter what i say to them it will just make it worse. now im back playing on my other account on a different server that i had saved, lvl 30 and all. and in my opinion there are more "toxic" players there. my advice for you would to find a way to summoner 1 urself.

if you managed to get an account perma banned you have not learned, its a sign that you need to start learning. :)

PhuixJun 2, 20161 votes

Like I said above, it's not something I can learn. It's much more than that, I will just have to take measures to protect myself, from myself.

You'd think I would just keep from typing, but it's like impossible for me to stop. I see my team start on something I don't agree with, we don't have a meeting of the minds, I say something, they say something, and then I am banned.

I said I make no excuses, at the same time, it's more than just toxic behavior. It's a deep seated resentment for things I cannot control. I wish I could.

DaahLeonJul 7, 20161 votes

I feel ya, i have the same... "Habit" to say when i dont agree and so on.

If you still play League on a new account, find a friend that isnt toxic at all (if you have one lmao).

i have one, only played with her for about 2 weeks, if she wasnt online then i wouldnt play, Really calmed me down and stopped me from typing at all, lmao xD