Not sure how I'm going to move on.

Note: This is a repost of my prior one I deleted.

Would I make a smurf? Would I be able to get back to my life now that this happened?

Would I be able to post on my deviantart as a subpar hobby-artist? (My dA name is the same as my username here btw; go and mock me if you will)

Perhaps. But enough of that.

Me looking at a Tales of Graces f walkthrough all over again for some 1-3 year prior nostalgia sake made me realize this (I feel like how Asbel Lhant felt earlier in the game past the seven year timeskip).

First off, I ended up back in Bronze 5 recently after so many tilting losses. I figured, one loss in Bronze 5 was enough and that enough was enough, and I decided to get boosted out of desperation to Silver 5.

But alas, I ended up banned, stuck at Bronze 3 at the time. I was even planning to look at all the replays of my booster via a long break from actually playing just to study his tactics.....but too late now. I as usual, shot myself in the foot.

Looking back, I've started to play this game in Season 3, just when Lissandra was released. With me being a typical Chinese American with Journey/Odyssey to the West composing his childhood mixed in with Dragon Ball (Z), Wukong AKA Gokuu (悟空) was the one push I needed to decide playing League.

I clearly remembered my noob days where I had no idea that there were abilities that scaled with AD instead of AP, and that AP Master Yi was a thing (but I had no idea how his playstyle truly worked since a former friend of mine just said "his Q does a lot of damage and his W heals a lot" and that was just it; didn't realize the math with his ult resets).

However, I didn't start to play competitively until around Season 4 to 5, where I ended up in Silver 3. A season reset however, shot me own back to unranked. Since then, I've somehow ended up in bronze elo for god-knows-how long.

For a good majority of the time, I've saw so much negativity and shaming of bronze elo in that added in with my past of being criticized by my mother and sister, being bullied, being in special ed + IEP meetings and all that jazz that shaped up my anxious mentality, I grew desperate. The blanket statements could all easily be applied to me, no matter what I say....because I'm bronze.

And I tend to be someone who self-deprecates himself A LOT, especially when it comes to expecting something good but failing to realize I'll only get shit in return due to bad karma and arrogant expectations of myself.

Due to me knowing so much about games and different media through the internet and YouTube, League (and by proxy the horror that is Smash Bros. 4 For Glory) was one of the few competitive things I could easily access, despite me being a huge fighting game fan (and thus I can't really play traditional fighting games too well despite all those old a-cho and Gamechariot vids; hell I even have a wad of over 500 OC's inspired mainly by fighting game characters).

I didn't want to simply spend a lot of time on dumb single-player against CPUs that were meant to be beaten per programming.... But in the end, my quest for validation via gold elo (and then silver) made me very impatient and anxious.

Via that part about my childhood and the fact that I'm still going to college, I felt I had very little time to improve due to various difficulties in learning in school in the past. I fail to take in advice, I whine because I don't know any better, and I get very envious of people better than me because they have every right to say I should go kill myself.

From there, I've made countless self-shitting jokes about me ending up as an old man by the time I learn to climb solo queue (or master anything competitive) due to how impatient I am and how much I've struggled with learning shit in real life, especially when compared to the average player, making feel as though others will laugh at me for going so slowly and falling behind while they climb at the "normal rate".

I also wanted to avoid normal games due to the fact that I've been in normal games for a good amount of time where everyone screws around and doesn't close out the game for possibly over an hour or way more (which in turn, makes me feel like I'm wasting time). I also felt that there was some god that told me "go play to climb or else I'll make you tilt further", even though as you see via my match history, I enjoy and have played A LOT of Wukong for years.

Quitting didn't feel like an option for me due to the fact that I would be forced to carry my bronze label, hence the usual elo-shaming stigmas (or memes). Indeed I care about my rank even when I'm forced to quit, since it's basically a badge of rights. Plus, the fact that elo-shaming has existed even once made this an apparent impact on my self-conscious ego.

If you ever met me in solo queue where I assume you say and/or think shit about me because you beat me for freelo...well, it's just that I somehow have to expect Call of Duty fanboys to pollute my rank.

The only highest in Bronze I have ever been was Bronze 2; that part was the biggest wall for me.

But alas, in the end, the validation I really wanted from being anything but Bronze has made me realize how much of a fukwad I was.....and now I can't go back to ever fix it.

I would make a smurf...but I'd have to spend a lot of money and time and find a way to either create a good new name, or to simply find a way to transfer this account's name to my old one despite it being banned.

I realized I spent so much time and energy on this game, and all I got was me being a dogshit fool. A weak dogshit fool who's opinions can't matter due to him not being a high enough rank or at least average (where even average is still considered weak as fuk).

And I know I make excuses....but even though people say it's okay to be bronze and that everyone makes mistakes.....most of my life's mistakes have only triggered others.

What's worth messing up with people will kill you out of rage over it? Like they depended on you to do your duty?

That's why I can't have faith in myself to say "yes" to a request or promise that I know I have a high chance of failing, hence why I'm bronze (bronze players break promises and simple requests from more experienced players).

It took so much time away from even my other hobbies too.....

Wukong/Gokuu.......despite me having no damn right to say so....I'm sorry after all these damn years.

Note: This is a repost of my prior one I deleted.

Also, to clarify again, I got perma banned for getting boosted; I was that much of a desperate weakling.

"Here lies SneaselSawashiro, former bronze veteran dogshit. Dismiss all of his input if you will, for it's all lies since he's bronze."