The Reformed Jeff

Hello Summoners, My name is Jeff. In real life I go by a real name but for now let's just call me Jeff. It's a name I've been using since I was 15 and part of something bigger that I've carried with me ever since I first took on the persona. In League though, I've used a few names; Ser Jeff of Ari, Hynedai, DrRocksoTheClown, and maybe one other that I'm unable to think about at this time. I'm coming to you in this discussion as two things, a toxic player and a reformed person. Recently I received my second permaban in less than a year. Since my second year playing League of Legends, I started priding myself in the skills I acquired in game and must have thought I was well equipped to criticize the play style and skill level of others and so began my descent into the well that is the .00006% of the most toxic players in the game. Over the thousands of matches I have played, win or lose, I suffered many many suspensions and chat bans and after each and every one, I learned nothing. Even with the chat bans it frustrated me that I had to wait just to get my ONE message out in team chat and I only ended up doing what I did best in chat. I flamed, I criticized, I attempted to "tilt" someone that wasn't doing as good as I was or I saw as a weakness in the chain of 5 links that I attributed to my poor performance. If I messed up, a lot of the time it was someone else's fault. I continued to spiral further and further into my childish behavior and always seemed to take on the role of the victim every time. In my eyes, the two times I hit Plat2/Plat1 wasn't enough. I deserved Diamond. I was entitled to it and no matter my pool of champions, if I didn't get it, it was the fault of the afk, the troll, or the "boosted animal" Whenever I was having a bad game and needed to vent or if I just wanted to tilt someone, the keyboard was my way to do it and the person on the other side of the screen didn't matter. I didn't want them to have fun. I wanted them to feel inadequate, angry, or frustrated. I was able to get two accounts permabanned within 10 months of each other by doing this so often. My second account was banned a few days ago.

Now let me tell you right now that what I am feeling right now and what I am about to say isn't something that happened overnight or even in the few days it's been since the account was banned. It happened over SIX YEARS of playing League of Legends and a few years of soul searching.

I know I may never in my life be able to talk to the hundreds of players (out of maybe 6000+ games played) that I have at least affected for a few hours if not a few days or weeks or even years of their life by behaving the way that I did over the years I have played this game. (Also I have NEVER been this way in any other game in my life including other competitive games like Smash, Starcraft, etc.) But... I am so sorry. I am so sorry I called you names. I'm so sorry I said you were a garbage (insert role). I am so sorry I kept spamming "Nope" in chat every time I was at low health and I won the trade. I am so sorry I trolled when I was angry. I'm so sorry that I flamed you to hell when you wanted to TRY AD Malphite top vs Garen. Most of all, I am so sorry to the person controlling that champion, pressing that ult, or flashing that wall. I'm so sorry that my real life frustrations were personified and I vented my own inadequacies onto you and in a VIDEO GAME. I am so sorry I did it so often. I'm sorry I was proud. The truth is I have made some pretty wonderful friendships thanks to this game and the connection I had with it. I was addicted not only to the game and it's competitive side but it's people. I love people. I love the experiences I share with those people and I love spreading the goodness I learn from them. That's the person I really am... Not this toxic summoner I created and destroyed. Something came out of me and it's something I have been struggling with for years since I started playing ranked and getting better. Maybe it's pride. Maybe it's something else. All that matters now is that I am glad that I was banned, I'm glad I looked back on my behavior and can write this, and I'm glad that I can admit that I was wrong all along. Lastly, it's just a game. Some people have amounted careers and success from it but in the end it was created for all the right reasons and I abused the game for all the wrong reasons. I am so sorry Summoners. I'm so sorry stranger on the other side of the screen.

TL;DR: I was toxic for 4 years and I regret every small moment of it. I wish I had played the game for the reason it was intended, for fun.

P.S. I have NEVER been toxic with respect to a person's personal life (Telling someone to kill themselves, get cancer, die a horrible death, etc, etc, etc) but have really only ever been toxic with respect to their skill level in game (though it feels like I was just as bad for doing this anyway...)