Catharsis and Toxicity; or why we say horrible things

Ever want to belittle someone, everyone when something goes down in this game? Here's my take:

After yet another loss I come to think a few things. Namely, why I never get help for gaming addiction and why I let my recent relationship degrade so far down that the break up left us from talking about marriage to not-even-speaking-terms bad. When that subsides though, I always wonder, "what did I get out of that game?" That's a really good question.

What did I get? It took so long to get through. It's much later than I wanted it to be when I stopped playing. There's 'fun' somewhere but after so many years of games I don't know how to identify having it. Maybe challenge? Hardly, I'm bad at this game partly because the challenges to improve require understanding the game more than I'm willing to work towards. I got something along the lines of familiarity and a distraction, and both get boiled away when I see D--------t scroll across my screen, maybe just because it reminds me that this player is just putting off facing his own failure.

I think this is the question people ask subconsciously when they follow it up with "I'll try to ruin their game, so that neither of us can have that jubilant feeling." You always see them. You get "Kill yourself" or "ur bad" and it's not about any personal vendetta, its about catharsis. The players who most of the time do this are on the losing side, or on the winning side with so many losses prior to which that they veer over with the mentality. A loss really feels like you got nothing from playing. The house pulled blackjack, slots didn't line up right, you lose and everyone but you comes out better for it. There's a feeling of nothing to gain from the loss, where you just want to feel like you won something, succeeded at something.

Games dictate my life. Antidepressants, counseling, therapy, every job I got my hands on and 3 wonderful patient women who deserve the world all couldn't oust me from my addiction. Any insult given to me is nothing compared to what I call myself for failing to be happy after so many years of trying. I try not to look for those words to say to people, but every loss makes the cost feel less and less dire. Things don't get better for me, but typing out this mess helps me relent some of the self-loathing that losing gives me. Maybe when you see another hate filled, vitriolic message you'll think of Mr. Iodiner, smoking a cigarette with strep throat at 7 AM and realize just what little consolation that player might have.

Just a thought.