This is the first time I've ever posted anything on the internet. I've been a lurker my entire life, at school, at work, in social situations, on forums and boards; I've always just... quietly existed. This is an incredibly difficult topic for me to discuss but, something about your post has compelled me to crawl out of the shell that confines me and respond to it. I don't know if I will be able to explain it very well but for those of you who are willing to take the time to wade through this reply and contest that claim, I would be willing to concede to the idea that perhaps my peers would be a better judge of that. I apologize beforehand, I've been told that when I actually do have something to say I can be rather verbose; Forgive me.
Perhaps it's the parallels that exist between our pasts and the circumstances of the situations we've come to find ourselves in that tug at my person in such a way that I can't help but force myself to confront the difficulties I so often face while struggling to express myself; My family had no idea how to help so they did nothing but watch, no friends to speak of, dead-end job, etc.... Maybe it's the almost frightening similarities we share in regard to the patterns of thought we've had throughout our young adult lives; I've always been my own worst critic(as most people are), I used to judge myself incredibly harshly, I was never good enough, didn't know enough, didn't put forth enough effort, you name it.... Or maybe this sudden outpour was triggered by how we share a completely irrational unwillingness to accept assistance from medical professionals, let alone something as seemingly innocuous as a tiny little "magic" pill of all things. Heh, it could even be just something as simple as us being the same age. I am also 28, friend. Regardless, it's not really all that important because, well, here I am.
For the past 11 years(it's just a phase, right Mom?) I have been suffering from MDD(Major Depressive Disorder), 4 years into it I was party to an incredibly traumatizing event and I developed PTSD(Post-Traumatic STRESS Disorder[I emphasize the word stress because I want people who are familiar with nothing beyond the acronym to understand that it is the most important part of the disorder. The trauma and the details surrounding it will never take precedence. I get it, something happened to you, something happened to me as well, but that doesn't mean you have to let that something dictate the decisions you make in regard to how you live your life. I've only recently come to realize, understand, and accept that to be the truth so if you are struggling with your suffering, and I know this is asking for something astronomical in scope, all things considered but, don't feel bad for it, ever, please. Is the trauma relevant? Sure, absolutely. But it's the crippling inability to react to or manage stress that is so devastatingly debilitating to sufferers and those close to them.]).
All throughout those 11 years I'd fall asleep at night with nothing else on my mind but a burning desire to end my own life only to curse my own insignificant existence upon waking and realizing my reality had not aligned with my wishes. But not truly however, that's not what I really wanted at all. In fact, no one has ever really wanted wanted to kill themselves. I will assert without a shred of doubt in my mind or heart that not a single person in the entire history of our species has ever ACTUALLY wanted to take their own life. They just want the pain to stop. It's a pressure release valve in the body that triggers a response from the brain that says, "Hey buddy, I know we've been through so much together, but I just don't think you can take this anymore, let me help us out, yea? You won't feel a thing, trust me.". Some give in, some don't.
There is a difference between us though. Well, perhaps several. The obvious one is that I do not suffer from hypothyroidism and the multitude of effects it causes. This would account for the vastly different approach we've taken in how we managed our issues. While in no way, shape or form do I mean to judge or criticize you for your thoughts toward or reactions to those around you(I understand it's merely a symptom of the true cause), where you chose to lash out at others, I chose to direct my own frustration inward and chastise myself for any perceived slight or display of ineptitude. Also, where you had several attempts on your life, I... I had none... and I sincerely hope that no one ever considers this to be some twisted attempt at a boast. I just, deep down, I knew that there would never be an attempt. I would've just actualized the desire. Always feeling like I wanted to end my own life but never actually making an attempt was... detrimentally confusing. It often made me question whether or not I was even suffering from anything or it was all just... imagined. "Was I even sick? Was what happened to me even that awful? Enough to cause this?" Thinking this way is something that only managed to perpetuate the cycle until I finally just accepted the truth that was staring me in the face. There were absolutely some very dark days and nights, and I couldn't even begin to explain from where I summoned the will to fight back but I did, somehow.
I've decided that I want to live and like a bellows to a hearth, it warms the very core of my once still heart to read that you have chosen the same for yourself. In spite of all the challenges you've faced, whether circumstantial or self-inflicted, you've not only chosen to overcome them, but to forgive yourself for the transgressions caused by them. This is not an insignificant footnote in the story of your recovery; this is an incredible feat that should be celebrated, never relegated to the thought that it's just a matter of course. Whenever you tremble with uncertainty you can now look back on that point in history, the moment you decided you wanted to change, and allow yourself to realize you are more than capable, that this too shall pass, and you will overcome. WIth every single decision you make the course of your life is altered and out of all the possible outcomes the one where you're still here has happened. That speaks volumes to me. You refer to your incident in March as a failure, I'd call it a success.
Back in March I too was at a very low point. Shortly after that was around the time that everything changed for me though. Seemingly out of nowhere, I was confronted by an acquaintance. Without even being told, he knew what was going on, and so he spilled his guts to me. He attacked me with logic, backed me into a corner, and forced me to confront my behavior. Since then I've found myself more willing to talk about it, even with individuals I barely know and that's huge for me because I'm normally a very private person. It is becoming easier, exactly what I used to believe would never happen. I... I was betrayed. Betrayed by two that I held very dear to me. I've never told my doctor, or anyone for that matter, what actually happened but instead how it made me feel. I remember strugglingly intently to come up with something, anything I could use to describe my pain. I lost track of time as I sat there in silence right in front of her while I choked on desperation because of how imperative it was of me to come up with something as accurate as possible. I settled on describing it as such: it felt like being stabbed from the back, through the heart, and shot in the head, only, I didn't perish. After hearing that, she gave me her diagnosis. Despite all of the anger, confusion and suffering they caused me, I eventually confronted them. And I forgave them. Not for what they did, I still stand by my belief that what they did was unforgivable, betrayal can never be forgiven. I forgave them for the pain they caused, to me, and to themselves. I saw they were hurting too. I don't want my life to be defined by my past, nor should anyone in my opinion, but rather by the thoughts we have toward our futures and the actions we take to realize those desires.
I've always been of the opinion that there are two major governances in regard to that which shapes our idea of reality: perception and perspective. Without perspective our reality will become fixed and stagnant, unwavering "truths" will form and we will judge others and their thoughts, ideas, and even actions based on the rigid presuppositions we've set for ourselves. Without perception we cannot gain perspective, we would lack the ability to sense possibility and the idea that maybe, just maybe, there is another way, would be lost on us. With that being said, for a long while now I've subscribed to the belief that no matter how much time you spend with another you can never truly know them by virtue of them saying or doing something you never would have expected. Personally I find relationships to be made more exciting this way. I understand that I am a rarity because of this but, I love being proven wrong, it means I get to learn something. And that's kind of just the thing you know, we're all just learning, figuring things out as we go. While some may be standing where others have already stood, everyone is at a different place and in many ways we as people are just mirrors on an island, reflecting our hopes and wills unto others, naively wishing something would stick. To live is to suffer, so please, be kind.
And to anyone else reading who may be suffering, whether currently or inevitably, know this, it is a choice, it always was and always will be. You have a choice. I can vividly recall the session in which my doctor spoke those words to me. I despised her for it. I knew it was true and that it was what I needed to hear, to be reminded of, but it wasn't what I wanted, and like a spoiled child, I cried out for something else, something more, something I felt entitled to in order to feel satisfied that that's what would make everything better and all my problems go away. But that's all there is to it, it's just that simple and just that complicated. It's that easy, and that difficult. Allow the truth to ring in your ears and remember to give yourself time to adapt and you'll do fine, I promise.
