The art of losing 100% of your games, and your mind. Feedback for Riot
First of all, I'm not a good boy, and I am not trying to defend my behavior. Now that this is out of the way, let's discuss some things I noticed pushed me slowly over the edge.
I've been playing league of legends since S2, on and off, uninstalling when I couldn't take it anymore, but this time, Riot decided for me- I am banned for 14 days, and I don't contest it.
I've been wondering for a while now... Do I even like this game? Do I only like the "feeling of winning"? I'm still not sure. What I know is that I want to give a little bit of feedback to Riot, so they better understand the type of players they probably don't want in their game.
So what tilt a player like me? It's very simple : Not understanding and Not being good enough.
1st : The Death Recap Currently, with the new runes, the death recap is more useless than ever before. I click it to understand what happened, what to look for, but all I see is that I was dealt 800 damage in 8.6 seconds, and died... even tho I was at full health at 1000 HP. I don't understand how that is possible... and I tilt.
2nd : Ganking top lane as a jungler on the purple(red) side. I just can't do it for some reason, I don't really understand why. I'm always needed elsewhere, and the Golem camp takes too long in early game for most champs, so I have even less reason to go top. But then I'll hear the top in chat telling me how I'm a piece of shit- and I'll tilt.
3rd : The feeling that everything hangs on how you play, rather than how the team play. I blame others, like every toxic player, but even when I do, I DO know it's at least partly my fault too. The thing is, after 10 loses in a row, you start believing that everything depends on how YOU play. It's not about bringing something to the team anymore. It becomes about bashing yourself on the head every time you know you could've done something better. Getting nervous about the simplest thing, because if you make a mistake, it's all over. After a while, especially if I made a mistake, I can't take the pressure anymore, and I explode into a flaming moron, mostly to vent out.
4th : Playing more than a couple of games a day.. When I lose, I want to prove myself I CAN make a difference, but then I lose again... and then I lose again... and then I don't even know why I am playing anymore and I pick a random champion in a random lane until I just get that one win I need to feel better.
5th : The chat I asked for a way to remove it, and make it so that it would only possible to put it back once out of a game. I guess It won't happen.
6th : Winning when I troll the most Most of the time, after a losing streak where I try my best, I'll win by doing almost nothing or picking a "troll" pick. Every lane will be winning, team cohesion will be great, and me being emo in chat won't even affect my team. That's unrewarding and makes you feel like, again, your performance means nothing.
I don't feel like I did worst than back in S2~3 when I also got banned, which is a small consolation. Still, I lost a LOT more than back then. I'm sitting on like 33% ranked win rate, 44% ranked 3vs3 and 10% ranked flex win rate. I don't understand how that is possible, even if I'm the worst player and the worst asshole, it seems impossible. And yet, here I am... If I truly can only blame myself, I'm too weak to keep on trying.
It's a good thing I got banned, I probably wanted it to happen deep down, because when you start thinking that the GAME and Riot is against you, you know you need to stop playing... But I couldn't bring myself to stop... I needed to prove myself that I'm good at something, but I need to face reality, I'm an asshole, and I suck at everything.
I'm sorry to everyone that lost because of me, I swear I actually tried to win even when I picked random champs, with one notable exception. I'm sorry to everyone that was offended or annoyed by anything I wrote, most of it was exaggerated so I could entertain myself when the game couldn't entertain me.
