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Perma Banned, Bottom 0.006% Self Pity Post. My Chain Of Thoughts, Looking for Criticism and Help.

ZimZim·5/25/2019, 6:51:07 PM·3 votes·1,832 views

As a permabanned dude in the 0.006%, Unless somebody brainwashes me (or maybe I am brainwashed and need unbrainwashing), no amount of classes can change me.

Imagine your body and mind are a machine. You tend the machine with food and washing. And it performs the tasks you have trained it to, like learning new things, or remaining focused, or getting up from the bed in the morning.

If I want to improve in league of legends, I need to get better at learning and at focusing. Cause I lack those abilities (or I am biased enough to the point where the placebo has completely changed the way my brain works, which I've tried to prove to myself all my life).

So, If I want to improve at being impulsive and braindead to the point where I don't give a fuck what I tell people in League, cause I'm in a bad flow (mood, just that it's more of a state of being literally unable to play league without failing, so I guess like a permanent tilt that can't change for a week or two, or months, eating healthy food regularly and sleeping 8 hours and training doesn't change this flow).

Let's start the first sentence again. If I want to not get a permaban in League of legends, and also in all aspects in life, like getting fired from a job, I need to entirely change that part of my machine.

But the issue is that this part of my machine seemingly can't be changed, if it is a condition, like if I have a blend of ADHD and aspergers, and whatever the fuck else my mental illness or whatever it is that makes me so special that I am in the BOTTOM 0.006% of people, and this somehow affects me to act like I do when I'm in this flow, how do I change? THIS IS LITERALLY WHO I AM. Or it is not who I am and I just believe it through evidence that I have wanted to believe, in which I would have ended up convincing myself of. The thing here, is that I'm pretty good at not being biased and brainwashed, so though likely in your mind, it seems very unlikely to me. I'll get to this later.

Okay, so how do I fix this problem?

The only 3 answers I have found so far are:

  1. Accept myself for who I am, and be okay with being a self-aware imbecile that can't adapt to anything and is extremely slow at improving at anything, with the lack of interest for any of it if I can't see instant progress. Gain confidence in realizing there's nothing I can do about it, and I'm being the best version of myself.

  2. Find a religion I can almost believe in, and convince to myself that it is true. Live out my days in bliss, cause "god has a plan for me", or whatever they tell me to have hope and become biased and less critical cause I don't want heaven to not be real. (This part might not be possible for me, since it means I need to change a part of my machine again that is critical thinking, which I don't want to lose and don't think I really can lose either, unless I'm scarred from some event or take drugs to the point where I can't think logically, or something.

3 (not a clear fix). Continue looking for ways to gain the ability to be a productive human being, to get back on my feet and not do impulsive things in general (like talking trash to random people in league and playing so bad I could smurf vs new players and still end up losing, which is literally what I am doing right now anyways, so yeah, fun).

For now I'm sticking to 3, and keep in mind, when I'm pursuing this, I'm not doing anything else, cause I LITERALLY DON'T HAVE THE ABILITY TO, WHICH IS WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR AS SAID. Like the ability to reach the top percentile at anything is very clearly not possible for me right now, more like the opposite. Bottom percentile.

Ok, maybe in the future, money from a job will be the one thing that motivates me enough to survive, I'm gonna assume that does, cause if not I'll rather be homeless than live at my parent's house. Fuck being a 30 year old virgin living at my parent's house. I'll rather die before that happens.

Or I somehow grow mature really late, since I'm not 25 years old yet. And this ability comes naturally. This is honestly what my biggest hope is right now. Other than trying to make myself evolve myself in small parts of my life, like thinking about politics (if I end up being bad at it I will stop arguing and learning about politics, cause that's not good if a dumb dude gets into politics and votes).

So cheers. You got to see in the mind of a bottom 0.006% player. And you can think to urself "this guy is just crazy", cause u can not relate to any aspects of it, and you haven't even had to think about any of the things I think about, because you most likely have the ability to actually do stuff that i don't. Like yeah of course you procastinate, but you also get stuff done to the degree a normal dude does. Cool, good for u. Or you don't, and you relate to me, and I'm actually very wrong, in which case, prove this sentence right by telling me, and I will realize. But so far nobody has been able to relate to my thoughts, so yeah very cool thing about being in the bottom 0.006%. Where nobody but that tiny percentage even remotely close to being like me, probably. Fucking cheers.

YES THIS IS A SELF PITY POST. IF I FIND A WAY TO ACTUALLY DO SHIT AND I DON'T NEED TO PROVE MY ISSUES TO PEOPLE IN TEXTS LIKE THESE THAT I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT FOR ALL MY LIFE, I WILL STOP NEEDING SELF PITY POSTS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Cause hopefully a smaller problem won't need me complaining to people like this to see how they react, from which I can take input and hope they can actually give me input that can change me for the better. (Which is probably not possible, cause change is a problem to me apparently).

Edit: Downvoting a dude looking to improve is just blind ignorance. Like internally making fun of fat dude when he's doing his best in a training center.

10 Comments

ModKnightsKemplar5/25/2019, 7:02:50 PM6 votes

Just gotta start thinking about consequences instead of doing what feels right in the moment. Eventually, it becomes second nature.

Ok, maybe in the future, money from a job will be the one thing that motivates me enough to survive, I'm gonna assume that does, cause if not I'll rather be homeless than live at my parent's house. Fuck being a 30 year old virgin living at my parent's house. I'll rather die before that happens.

This is the closest you get to my own mind (never been punished in this game). Just start thinking, as part of your weekly, daily, and hourly routine, about what you need to do to get where you want to be. That's what motivates me to be better, personally. Hope that's helpful.

GatekeeperTDS5/25/2019, 6:55:28 PM4 votes

But the issue is that this part of my machine seemingly can't be changed, if it is a condition, like if I have a blend of ADHD and aspergers

I stopped here. I'm tired of people invoking this horseshit as an example of what causes bad behavior. It's shameful to compare yourself to people that have legitimate medical issues and are better able to control themselves in games than you are.

If you can't handle the rules and if the game upsets you, here's a suggestion - don't play it. A video game is supposed to be for entertainment. If it constantly has you in a "flow" of negativity or rage, find a new outlet for fun.

IFeltLikeAGringo5/25/2019, 9:45:43 PM3 votes

I didnt get through all of it, but i got far enough to respond. I like that you consider yourself unbiased and hard to brainwash. I sort of consider myself the same way. I like to think i look at things from a logical standpoint.

One thing I notice is you emphasize BOTTOM .0006%. You make it seem like you are the bottom of the barrel. This makes me think you're looking at Riot's rules as a sort of moral compass. Like youre a bad person because you got permabanned. I think that is a wrong way to look at it.

Riot has no place to tell you what is right or wrong morally. They have a set of rules in place, that serve to deter toxicity for the sole purpose of salvaging their playerbase. They made these rules to maximize profit. Its not about being a bad person, or a good person.

The reason I follow the rules, even though i disagree with some of them, and ultimately I think theyre wrong on principle (perhaps that could be because I've been brainwashed into thinking free thought and speech is paramount, though I like to think its not brainwashing because I agree that free speech and thought is very important as humans. I came to this conclusionon my own, not through repeated reinforcement by my environment, but because i agree with the idea) is because I want my account. I've decided my account is more important than my ability to say whatever I want within the confines of one online video game. So just make that choice man.

Theyre not a government. Its a video game. Is it really worth your account to have the ability to call someone trash when youre upset? Its up to you. As far as your ability to make that choice not to say something that will get you banned.... well that just comes down to self control. I cant help you with that. When you put your ego aside, it really isnt difficult. But i understand to some it must be harder than it is for others.

glava2225/26/2019, 1:15:38 AM1 votes

have you ever tried breathing exercises? i find that they help me a great deal when you get angry or your start getting overwhelmed, just start breathing deeply; focus on your breath. at first it will be hard because of all the toughts entering your head but dont stop, just breathe and focus on your breathing; think about it, try to find words to describe your breathing and feel every breath; do it until all you are thinking about is your breathing(and that might take several minutes or up to half an hour or more until you get used to the exercises), and then continue with what you were doing, but slowly, if you find yourself getting angry just repeat the exercise until you stop being angry

ISitting DuckI5/26/2019, 4:04:45 AM1 votes

If it makes u feel better that 0.006% number has never changed since riot typed it. It was more than that even 2 years ago. Moderator agreed with me too the number hasn't changed.