Why is the community Toxic? I have no idea. I only know why I'm ever toxic.

My story begins in the mid 2000s in high school in Lehi High Utah. I was an LDS cult survivor. I didn't have a lot of freedom at home. I had more freedom at school, and at friends places . . . when I had friends, and that was always a crap shoot, because . . . Well, because I'm a really messed up person.

The rest of this post is gonna have a Trigger/Content Warning for the following content: Child Abuse, Bullying, Violence, Cursing, LGBT Phobia, Religion, Politics, etc. And Riot. . . if you ever read this. . . consider taking it to heart before you scrub this post, and/or ban my account, because I KNOW I'm breaking all your rules to post all this, but there's really no other way.

I've never had an easy time making friends. I was born to EXTREMELY poor, and irresponsible parents. How irresponsible? My 8 year old disabled brother asphyxiated in front of me when I was 3 and a half. I had to get my mom to call 9-1-1, and they couldn't save him. My dad was too busy shooting something in his veins with a needle to give a shit until he found out later. Don't feel too bad for my mother though, because she's somehow worse. She leaves my deadbeat druggie dad, and gets involved with an alcoholic 1970s mustache sporting kinda guy. Nice. I remember how much the jerk tried to win me over by trying to give me stuff. . . I didn't like him. I wanted my dad back. I wanted my brother back. . . but I knew I couldn't say that, so when they asked me what I wanted for my 5th birthday I mumbled "a little brother" . . . because I was thinking about my dead one. . . they took this as permission screw each other until I had a little brother I didn't want on top of all this. Oh and then mom left him, because he started hitting her. Nice.

Dad comes back clean. Begs on his hands and knees to get back together. Nope. Lets F off to upstate NY, move in with my CRAZY violently abusive grandmother, and force me to Join the LDS cult. I had to go to church from 5 on. SOME of you might not think that so bad. It was MORMON CHURCH. Some of you understand. Most of you think that's terrible. . . but for all the wrong reasons. Coming out and saying I knew I was queer, and trans as early as then is probably gonna get you all to (Dunk) me. From player to moderator. I didn't know I was trans, or queer exactly. I just knew I was different, and couldn't conceptualize how or why. I just knew that being a mormon boy made me want to die. It made everything that was already really difficult even worse. I never had friends until I was 15. I've been expelled 3 times. Once from KINDERGARTEN, another in 5th Grade, and then AGAIN in 6th. I had NEVER fit in with boys, or girls. Never got good at sports. In academics I was either AMAZING to the point of everyone hating me, or SO BAD everyone called me a %%%%%%. I couldn't become a great hacker, or computer nerd because my cult mother never let me have a computer or access to anything that wasn't church approved. Nice.

Everything changed when I turned 15, moved to Utah and started 9th grade. 9th Grades homework demands were SO HIGH in the early 2000s (I arrived in Utah 2003) that I was able to get the privilege of a Computer in my own room with a secondary account. My mother would periodically break into my computer to make sure I wasn't doing anything other than school work for awhile. . . So I had no ability to explore, and see if there were ever any kids like me. I had internalized since I was 8 years old that I was a hellbound cursed demon kid . . .because I didn't want to be married, or have kids, and I didn't know if I liked boys or girls, and I would have rather been more like a girl or something else entirely than a boy. . . damned if I said that out loud, it was a trip to the Bishops office. Nerd friends in Utah in 2003-2008 weren't much better. .. but at least I got to curse, drink, smoke, and game among them . . .and eventually I even lost my virginity. . . I did a lot of living with those friends...but they weren't that great. They were LGBT phobic as fuck, and I had to fight in order to prove myself, and I had to endure a lot of bullying at the hands of friends of friends and it was awful. I have memories of skipping school to play WoW, and making girl night elf characters in WoW . . . Usually a Druid, or a Night Elf. . . and my "friends" would show up after finding my corner. . . and complain about how Alliance was for "%%%s", and why was I playing a girl character anyways? Was I trying to j/o? Why wasn't I playing Horde with them? Then Dota got popular.

You think a chat in game with people you're never gonna meet is toxic? Try being in a cyber cafe with a bunch of 15-20 something year olds playing Dota in a Lan Cafe. The first time I played I was decimated. In chat the other teens/adults would say they had "Raped" someone whenever they killed them. They'd shout it out too. "I just fucked your ass!" "Get raped" "Get owned noob" "Suck my dick %%%%%%!" I didn't want to come back, and I was mortified by the experience. . . but one of my best friends at the time who shared several grades of high school with me, and now was working a dead end job beside me. . . he taught me everything he knew, and eventually . . .I was just like everyone else.

I had my day in the limelight later. I even went beyond godlike. That was the last night I went to a Lan-Cafe. I was talking shit back to some of the players who had exploited my noobness before, after my big win. . and there were serious threats of fighting me, and jumping me going on. I had to be escorted to my friends car by 2 of the biggest kids there who were genuinely concerned for my well being that night, and they never seemed to care before.

That was what the old Dota was like for me. By the time League of Legends came out (2009) I had joined the Military, and was already stationed in Japan. It was over Skype with friends from the old Dota days that I learned about LoL sometime in between deployments after that time. I played my first Ranked games in between season 2, and 3, (Which would be 2012-2013 which is right because I got out of the Military in 2012 ) because I was so nervous because of what Dota was like. Got the SHIT kicked outta us. . . but I was hooked. I was told the ONLY way to be pro was to buy EVERY champ so you could do trades if need be. I dedicated myself to trying to get pro, because I've been poor all my life, and I was sick of the Military . . . I entertained delusions of grandeur of winning $$$, but after 3 deployments, and a lifetime of abuse and suppression . . . Yeah I've always been toxic, or on the verge of it. I've got CPTSD, and PTSD officially diagnosed by the Veterans affairs, and I'm no longer homeless (had a long spell from 2014 to 2016). . . but not losing my shit is HARD. I see mistakes in other players and I wanna rage the way people have raged at me since I was 16. People start talking shit, and there's a chance I do lose my shit. I get cursed at, or misgendered, or someone is being homophobic ... I'm DEFINITELY losing my shit.

You can delete this post Riot, but you'll never get rid of toxicity unless you're willing to understand it, and deal with it from the inside out. You can't just say "Don't talk about LGBT issues" when people being shitty to LGBT ppl is a part of why ppl are toxic. You can't just say "Don't talk about Religion/politics" when religion/politics influence society and part of why society has toxicity.