I hope you find peace. Self loathing can be pretty damaging over time, trust me, been doing it for about 8 years now and its a bit of a downward spiral, even after acknowledging it. I cant get out of the spiral. I cant just trick me into loving myself. I can barely look people in the eyes anymore because I'm such an unworthy piece of shit. I need a psychologist too but thatd be such a pussy move in my fucked up head that i wont even allow myself help. So i hope you allow yourself the help you need. A punishment from a video game wont fix it. Who gives a fuck about a video game when you wake up with a sense of despair. Like, oh great, another shit day in this shit life. What will I do today? Oh the same thing ive done the past 2000 days. Nothing will change. Ill just go to work, go home, play video games, go to bed, and repeat. Oh whats that? Another day with no texts? No phone calls from anyone? I remember waking up to texts from friends... ya that was kinda nice. Didnt realize it at the time. But after a couple years of less and less communication with people, things start to get a bit lonely. But its my fault. I did this. I didnt feel like going out too many times, so the invites slowly ceased. I would love an invite, even though i wouldnt actually want to go to whatever im being invited to, because I hate everything. What am i looking forward to anymore? Another relationship with some girl who loves her image she puts out on social media? Whos into everything normal people are into, that i happen to hate all of? Will she just end up cheating on me like the last one? Thats why i push them away. 3 decent women, and noooo I gotta just fuck em and then make excuses why I dont want to date them. Then they move on, get married, have kids... and im stuck with regrets and self loathing. Why would I date them though? So we can go places I dont like together? Fuck that. I just want to play video games, and stay in the comfort of my apartment. Sure, she can come over and watch nnetflix with me, thats awesome. But then its "come to my family's event", "lets go to this place or that place", "you have to get up early so we can go camping" ... nah, its just not worth it. I used to think I would change eventually. But nothing has changed. Nothing at all. Just a real life groundhogs day for years and years.
Sorry what were you saying? Something about insulting someone in a video game?