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I'm Reaching Out....

Rose Vines·7/17/2018, 2:26:47 AM·4 votes·2,752 views

My Name is Rose and i have a very big problem, I'm toxic not just in league but in real life.. i grew up in a household where arguing was as common as conversation anything that came out of my dads mouth was a nasty argument t'words everyone, his friends, family and coworkers even when i was little all he did was cuss and drink and honestly i don't blame him, 7 kids and bitch wife and long work hours i would be right in his shoes too, but he always cussed at me less, he always went out of his way to make sure i got what i wanted and was comfortable and i was extremely spoiled. so much so that during my childhood i talked to anyone any kind of way and i viewed everyone as less than human so i would do mean things like push, punch, kick and scream and it got me in trouble a lot of course my mom would call the teachers crazy for thinking i was anything less that an angel so i got away scot free. things changed when i got into middle school i was an ugly duckling because back then i didn't see the need to do things like dress fashionably or tame my wild hair every once in awhile so i faced the usual torment you know bullies and bitches who tried to insult my looks at every turn and i cussed them out threaten to fight ect. and thank god for the few friends who i didn't threaten or push away with pure anger they always let me know i was worth it. My eighth grade year i was put in a mental hospital i got stricken with depression and tried to kill myself 3 times at 12 all attempts were unsuccessful and i would go on living with clinical depression for the rest of my life having depression spikes here and there sometimes for no reason but i digress. While i was at the mental hospital I met my future Ex-Husband there, i was confused why he was even slightly interested in me because everyone called me ugly but he would smile at me and tell me i was pretty until he got released before i did and i didn't see him again until my sophomore year or high school where he asked me out and we started dating we lived happily ever after got married and he divorced me 5 years later for being argumentative and controlling and i still haven't gotten over him till this day.

When i was in 7th grade - 11th grade i played this game my friends introduced me to called league of legends, i was horrible at video games and anything to do with PVP because i would always lose so i avoided those games when i could but there was something different about league i couldn't put my finger on it i just liked it so i would sometimes spend days at a time playing it but toxicity was such a big part of my life i would just say anything mean to anyone because somehow it made me feel right at home arguing just felt natural so i would get permabanned a lot and i would just make new accounts over and over again and they would eventually get banned but i didn't care i was having too much fun. Fast forward a couple of years later me and my husband argue everyday and it meant nothing to me because all i ever did in life was argue it didn't phase me sure it would stress me out a little but besides that nothing but it impacted my then husband to the point of no return he said he argued so much that he fell out of love with me and that he didn't love me anymore and hearing those words was just pure murder to the heart i still loved him to death but he didn't feel the same and i became bitter and enraged he started seeing other women only months after the divorce (he did cheat on me during our marriage but i was so blinded by love i just brushed it off). so i let myself go and turned to league once more and i was more toxic than ever 15 permabanned account, chat restrictions left and right ad 2 week bans.

i was tore up not only did i lose my husband it felt like i lost my identity and the depression came back stronger than ever i didn't leave my room for months on end and i would just lay on my bed contemplating suicide and playing league i got so toxic they a simple GLHF! set me off and i would say "fuxk you" and if anything went wrong even simple stuff like missing a combo or 1 cs i was feeding it took nothing to set me off and i would feed and run my mouth and feed and i would get my account banned sometimes i would feel bad and regret my actions and made an effort to contact LoL support to beg for my account back but they did have the chat history and it was written in black and white how toxic i was and to riot it was no excuse my account was banned for good...

i would keep this this pattern till i got sick of it and tried to actively change my life and ways, i could control my life but i couldn't control my temper and i would try to mute everyone but i still would call them nasty names in chat and end up getting banned and to this day i try to control myself and try to get to honor lvl 5 by being tilt-proof sometimes even going as far as to meditate before a game but i still struggle with toxicity and i am still looking for a change but sometimes everything just consumes me and i go back to my sinister ways i tried to reform but all i do is bounce back.

thank you to those who took the time to read this, and i hope you see toxicity from another perspective
****Excuse the lack of commas and periods i'm pretty illiterate

4 Comments

Skullgetti7/17/2018, 2:58:44 AM4 votes

Hey there Rose, Unfortunately, i play primarily on the EUW server as i live in Belgium (i could see if i can play on NA though, maybe i'll have less dc's on NA than EUW, who knows :p) I've read through your entire post and i must say, the fact you recognize your behavior means there's something inside you, no matter how small, that is strong enough to call out and tell you that you don't want to behave like this anymore.

You've been through a lot and have come a long, long way , and i'm very glad that you have climbed every single hill that has been in your way to this day. If you would like someone to talk to , i could give you my Discord or LoL (any other messaging app will do too, but i prefer not posting those in public) and you could vent to me, i'll promise you i'll listen, which isn't always much , but anything that could make you feel better.

Now whenever i see someone that's starting to tilt or actually even being verbal about it, even when i'm starting to tilt, these things often help me, or others calm down ,and are even used by the pros(i'm sure you've tried some before) for in-game stress:

  • start the game positive by wishing your allies luck, and DISABLE ALL CHAT IN INTERFACE, i cannot stress how much disabling all chat helped me stay more focused and calm. It's easier to stay friendly towards your teammates if you give them compliments, and it will help them stay positive too
  • try to adapt the mindset that as long as there's no "defeat" onscreen, it is not lost.
  • Move chat off-screen. You can do this by pressing enter and then clicking the bar at the top, you will be able to replace it back somewhere visible, but you can move it off-screen the second someone is making you feel bad.

Now for general stress, in-and outside league (i'm sure you've tried some of these before too):

  • Try to breathe naturally, close your eyes, breathe in and imagine the number "1", breathe out, imagine the number "1", repeat for 2, 3 and so on, this is a meditative technique alot of people use to relieve stress and empty their mind

  • try listening to some chill music, could be any genre you want, chillstep, country, jazz, just something soothing

  • use this amazing website for background noise https://asoftmurmur.com , this site allows you to very easily create a custom background track with many soothing sounds including birds, waves, wind, storms, busy public places and more.

  • Do physical and mental workouts, working out your body will help you vent excessive anger and doing small, mental workouts or even dedicating yourself to creating art, music, anything creative really, you sharpen your mind. You will meet problems and little bumps in all of these, which might even help you to train your temper

  • ask yourself why you care, and if you care. Sometimes when i get angry at something, i type it out, press ESC instead of enter and ask myself if it's worth retyping,in real life i think what my words will do to the person i'm insulting. If it's not worth retyping, it's not worth losing your account over, or any social situation you'd compromise yourself in that you'd be.

  • eventually , you can teach yourself that it really doesn't matter enough. You will get mad, and you will even get tilted (in and outside of league) , it will be very hard to remove those from you as they are part of human psyche, but you have to learn to think , "why do i care about this, and what is really causing me to be angry?". I learned that a lot of the time when i get mad at the game, it's really things outside of league that influence me to become easily aggravated at something in-game.

I am very certain that you will be able to achieve your goal in getting a better mindset as you are constantly growing as a human being, and the fact you have traveled such a long road and want to achieve a better mindset for yourself and others, is very clear proof of that.

I wish nothing but the best to you and i hope you will find peace of mind. Good luck ,and stay safe

[sg-ahri-2]

Voldymort7/17/2018, 5:55:30 AM2 votes

If you're looking for ways to calm yourself while playing, this is what I listen to:

https://youtu.be/8xpDYbITj_0

Aneirin7/17/2018, 3:46:58 AM1 votes

Hi Rose. I'm glad you reached out and I hope you take advice here to heart. You're worth more than you've been given in life so far and I really hope things turn around for you :) [galio-happy]

Aynath Crescent7/20/2018, 2:24:25 PM1 votes

Rose, I rarely comment here but I read your entire post and I must say, my heart teared up apart...

It isn't like I lived the same way as you, but I can relate to your story pretty well. At one time I was toxic as hell because I felt like shit IRL and in game I thought my mates were holding me back from progressing. League was my second life, where I was actually moving up but eventually I got punched into the face by reality. One day I got scolded very hard because how much I got toxic IRL, I wasn't understood, no one knew how I really felt. It is hard to tell anyone afterall... One day I eventually questionned myself... Maybe they can't help me, because I can't help myself to begin with right ? I finally realized that I can change myself, though I prefer the term "evolve" because changing implies that you forget what you were (at least for me), which is not good because you need to see how much you evolved through time.

Anyhow, years passed and I'm still kinda playing LoL and I'm not toxic anymore, I have priorities in my life, still I'm kinda emotional during the game but I express it moderately. If I die for example, I say "Oh fuck I died!" but never write in chat. If you need to, mute them, move the chat window away and mute pings too. Anything that is tilting actually, hell, even summoner's name sometimes is tilting ! You can remove their display too. Fix your ingame mentality with those tips, those are little steps sure but they are immediate and effective enough. Don't play too much either, try to space your games, take breaks with stretches, chill music, drink water (a lot), increase your game quality rather then increase quantity, that's the idea anyway. Remember also that we can't be perfect, we are humans afterall, we were prone to make mistakes but what make us great is one can learn from their mistakes and improve.

IRL, it is the same, you are prone to make mistakes too, you can't change in one day just like that, it takes times and dedication, which takes motivation, which takes willpower. It is hard but not impossible. Take your time ! And I must say congratulations ! You made the biggest step ever, which is recognizing your own behaviour ! Even more, you want and try to change your life as well. Not everyone has the courage for all that you know. I suggest you to learn a bit about psychology, understanding what you are, and find your own values, what you believe on. Even today, I'm still seeking what I am and my reason to live.

I hope with all my heart that you'll live a better life Rose, your own peaceful life !

"The edge of the sharpest blade is no match for the calm of the peaceful mind." - MasterYi

[sg-soraka]

Aynath Crescent__