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I can't keep up my efforts to help others anymore.

Reaper Review·4/1/2016, 5:15:18 PM·16 votes·2,044 views

TLDR: I'm pretty sure at this point that I'm only psychologically damaging myself by doing this. To everyone who may have read any of my threads and seen what I was trying to accomplish, I'm sorry I can't keep it up anymore.

I can't keep this up anymore. I've been trying so very hard to remain optimistic, to show people how much a simple ban can teach you and not to let it get them down. My friends on Skype have been doing their best to cheer me up. I've even had the people of this board show me support.

I'm finally breaking down, though. My ban was wholly and entirely my own fault for losing myself to my own anger and doubt, and I have nobody to blame but myself. I have tried every possible way I can think of to move past it. I've tried leaving this game behind me, which didn't work because all my friends and so many of my better memories are still here. I've tried making a new account, which hasn't worked for a number of reasons. I've tried coming here and helping others, which has only made my bitter feelings progressively worse.

The reason I haven't been able to level a new account is... complicated. I don't find the grind at all tolerable, and I barely got through it the first time I had done it. What helped me through it was the fun of trying new champions and also being with a friend who was leveling up as well. Now that my friends are all level 30 and I've played nearly every champion at least once on this account, there's no fun to be had on the grind anymore. It feels doubly bad because I'm not particularly great at this game to begin with, so I have nothing helpful to teach the new players I'll run into, and triply bad because I'm ALSO of no help against real smurfs. On top of all of that, I'm a pretty weak-willed person who will easily spend money to try and overcome an adverse situation, and I'm afraid that if I keep forcing myself to try and play this account, I'll break down and throw a ton of money at the game just to get a decent roster of champions within a reasonable amount of time.

I feel like I've trapped myself in a vicious cycle. I can't move past this game, I can't get my old account back, and I'm at an impasse in regards to a new account. Either try and play it without spending money and run the risk of losing myself to my anger again and getting it banned, or give in and spend the money to get all the things I'm used to having that made the game fun for me.

I say that I risk losing myself to my anger again despite my best efforts to reform because I learned how to avoid letting it take hold. By having fun and enjoying the game, which I've discovered I very much cannot do without the freedom of selection I'm used to having. I don't have any favorite champs or mains. I play whatever strikes my fancy at any given time.

I'll be honest, I owe a lot to this game. Without it, I wouldn't have any friends today, and I'd likely be in an even deeper rut than I presently am. I've learned so much from my years here that I hadn't picked up on before, and it's made me a potentially better person. That's why I can't leave it behind either.

I feel trapped on all sides. There's no easy way out, especially not now that this whole ordeal has worn me down so much. Any solution I can think of for this is just going to hurt me or my wallet somehow.

I'm sorry if this all sounds sappy and low-quality compared to my past shows of goodwill and friendly advice, but I really needed to get all this off my chest. This'll likely be my last thread here, but even so, I still want to thank all of you. Even though I was banned, and for very good reason, you all showed at least some faith in me.

29 Comments

Straw Hat Loki4/1/2016, 9:37:37 PM3 votes

Having read a lot of your previous comments in different posts (in addition to everything here), to me at least, you do not seem to be a toxic player as of late; I say as of late b/c you said you were prev. rightfully banned so barring that period, you seem like a genuinely nice person. I have seen many posts by you helping others on these boards and sharing/helping time and again.

In such rare cases as yours, I wouldn't mind Riot reinstating your original account (w/ all the investments) after ,suppose, a 6 month reform period starting from the original date of ban.

I could comment on much of what you have written but I feel writing in comments wouldn't do it justice; I will however touch on a few key points I think you are spot on about:

  1. I think there should be an added tier of punishment b/w the 14-day ban and a Permanent ban. It could be 4 months i.e. 16 weeks and continued disregard of rules following this tier should result in a permanent ban. I think that in certain cases, albeit a minority, the 2 week ban doesn't convey the full severity of just exactly how much Riot and the Community is serious about toxicity. Why? Because of smurfs and also the time being too short. I think adding a longer duration ban definitely will ensure that the feeling of having lost something settles in for a while which can better a) give a better feel of what a permanent ban could feel like and b) be a stronger motivator for reforming/stopping troubling behavior in game.

  2. The tough climb back up. I definitely agree w/ the sentiment that the IP rewards as well as prices for Runes can further be adjusted to make it easier to buy new champs as well as set up rune pages. This is a double-edged sword however. Newer players will find their way into ranked faster (buying required no. of champions faster) before they are acquainted well enough w/ the game. This can ruin the quality of games and we have seen people complain about this. Still, in my opinion, the IP rewards should definitely be adjusted to make it slightly easier to facilitate buying new champs. Of course, the RP system for Champions/Skins/Boosts should stay exactly the same. There has to be difficulty and pain associated w/ the climb back up to deter repeated offenders from finding their way back in easily. Perhaps a slight boost pre level 30 in IP rewards to further facilitate champion/runes acquisition could help truly reformed players. However, I think this option is ONLY NEEDED IF the ban tiers stay as they are; i.e. there is no longer-term ban of 4/6 months b/w the 14-day and permanent ban.

All I can say to you is, treat this climb as a challenge towards finding yourself. Perhaps start off w/ a small RP investment into a couple of champs you like and grind them out; consider the grinding as you proving to yourself that you are capable of moving past previous mistakes and their consequences. I want to write much much more but the comment is already too long lol.

I just want you to know, I hear what you are saying, I can understand what you are trying to convey about how you feel, and that I wish you the best of luck moving forward; if you can grind past this, you will have proven to yourself, you are a lot tougher than you give yourself credit for.

[slayer-jinx-catface]

Reaper Review4/1/2016, 7:57:36 PM2 votes

I don't actually hate the idea of an indefinite ban, either. In fact, I think it's the best actual motivator out of the punishments Riot hands out, especially for people who have difficulties with these sorts of things.

I'll be honest, I know the source of my outbursts. They stem from my depression, which comes from doubts I have about myself, which in turn comes from my having autism. I hate playing the "mental disability" card, by the way. I don't like to feel worse about myself for mentioning it. I've always had these sorts of anger issues, for as far back as I can remember, and being coddled for it while I grew up did me no favors. My ban was the first meaningful "punishment" I've ever received for it, and it's proven to be a real eye-opener.

The things I said that got me banned sicken me to read after the fact, due to being so far out of the norm for me. My friends had to go to a LOT of trouble to convince me that I truly didn't mean any of it at heart, and in doing so showed me the answer I needed to keep from acting up. Stop thinking I'm so much worse than everyone else and just have fun. Life is too short to let worries like that weigh you down.

No matter what happens from here out, the fact remains that this experience has changed me for the better.

MasterSomething4/1/2016, 10:01:40 PM2 votes

Every time you think of being trapped on all sides, just break through one side. No wall is unbreakable. No option is impossible. No courage is undeniable.

Drakusatheon4/1/2016, 5:25:12 PM2 votes

I don't have any real advice to give, but I can give you a +1 to try and get you in the positives again.

Reaper Review4/3/2016, 12:31:27 AM2 votes

After talking with sephdaman about my situation (he posted earlier in this thread), we arrived at an interesting proposal.

What if the community (at the very least whoever happens to be here) collectively appealed a user's ban if said community found that user to have reformed enough for another chance? We thought of this because the Instant Feedback system bans users based on who Riot thinks the community shouldn't have to play League with, so shouldn't it also work in reverse? If the community sees that a player has reformed and thinks that player should have another shot, shouldn't they be able to say "give this guy a chance"? They (the community) ARE the people whom the Feedback system is for, after all.

The threads I've seen from other banned players here have shown me that the community is capable of judging for itself who is and isn't worth reconsidering. Those threads are what partially inspired this thought.

I was going to make this thought into its own thread, but I've already made so many threads the past two weeks and didn't want to look like I was spamming.

themachamp4/2/2016, 2:13:17 AM2 votes

Just buy a level 30 acct.....problem solved.

Reaper Review4/1/2016, 5:50:13 PM2 votes

I've had a couple decent games on my level 14, and then one where I ended 3/9/2. The exact kind of game that would've set me off before, and I handled it very respectfully.

It's still an uphill grind, though, especially since actually hitting level 30 isn't even half the battle. There's still the matter of needing champions, and runes are good too.

The whole champion/rune acquisition system is relatively balanced around the grind to 30 being its former length. Cutting the XP to 30 in half just means you get matched against better and more equipped players sooner, while you still lack the tools to even the playing field. This isn't a big deal for smurfs who are fairly good at the game in comparison, but I'm one of those people who doesn't quite have the raw skill to handle that eventual handicap.

Edit: The very basic T3 runes being made significantly cheaper does help this somewhat, but I feel like that doesn't solve the underlying problem.

Reaper Review4/1/2016, 6:09:41 PM2 votes

Oh, and I want to clarify something important.

What I want isn't for my ban to just be removed for nothing, but for a chance to earn it back in a manner that doesn't involve me spending over a thousand dollars. The fact that they actually tried letting people do this once, but discontinued it because the people that tried it back then didn't succeed bothers me a bit. It feels like I'm being denied an honest chance to show reform and resolve because of a few rotten apples in the past.

I know, someone will tell me "but you had 3 chances before a permanent ban". Those first three punishments carry very little weight, though, in all honesty. Not even the 2 week ban, where you know you'll be back in 14 days. A permanent ban is a VERY different experience from that. Some people only come into their best after being shown the absolute worst. (Isn't this basically what the plot of A Christmas Carol is? Scrooge being shown firsthand the ultimate results of his attitude, and reforming himself and getting his happy ending.)

The threat of a permanent ban and actually BEING permanently banned are VERY different things.

Linthe4/1/2016, 5:22:56 PM2 votes

Solid post. The up to 30 grind is real.

As opposed to the vast majority of the posters in this forum, it really does seem like you have reformed and feel bad about your past actions.

No real good advice from me... Unless you can think of the journey as being the reward.. then you can level that new account. (And you actually CAN play with your friends eventhough they are 30).

AJStarhiker4/3/2016, 1:25:06 AM1 votes

Sounds like an interesting concept. I think it would be interesting to find out if the community would skew results in favor of popular, but toxic, streamers and YouTubers or if there are enough quiet voters to mitigate that popularity.

BTW: My alt account would be ShalaDakiri.

Reaper Review4/3/2016, 3:31:27 AM1 votes

Played a normal and an ARAM with AJ here (on an alt) on my Terminus account. Our teams were horribly outmatched both times.

First game, basically all our lanes got destroyed and our support Yorick was lagging, apparently. Our team had summoner levels ranging from 13 to 17. Enemy team's lowest level was 14, and their highest was a level 25 Jhin who was almost definitely a smurf since he had no masteries set, but knew what he was doing in-game.

Second game, the ARAM, our team had a Draven who was almost certainly a bot, and a Corki who basically AFKed so he could record the game and send it to Riot in a report in order to punish Draven, apparently not realizing that Draven was a bot. I did get to use PROJECT: Yi from a skin boost, though, which was nice.

Even though both games were absolute travesties, putting it lightly, I still maintained my cool and didn't go off in-game.

I'm still pretty sure I'm in that spot where I'm flagged as a smurf and getting matched against players who are legitimately better than I am mechanically, though. It's making leveling up extremely slow due to only getting ~50 XP on a loss, so I may just have to head to TT bot matches.

Reaper Review4/9/2016, 5:45:09 PM1 votes

I'm now up to seven PVP losses in a row now, and I'm only a little over halfway to level 16. I still haven't lost my temper in chat, I haven't broken any rules, and so far so good?

When is this going to feel enjoyable again? I'm getting sick of blind pick, but I'm not spending any money here. I'm not good enough to get S-ranks, so I won't be getting any hextech crates. I'm continuing to not be able to overcome the odds against better smurfs.

I can't just play bots to 30, either. I have to prove I can handle adverse situations against other people. I have to show I've learned the source of my problems and that I've been able to tackle them.

My friends on Skype can all tell that I'm beginning to crack under all this pressure, and they're concerned for me. I have to get through this, though. I want to be able to enjoy League with them.

How much more responsibility do I have to take before I can feel at ease again?

Linthe4/1/2016, 5:28:33 PM1 votes

Maybe. It seems like it depends. Yes, your friends will pull in higher level players. But you will pull in lower level players. So good for them to battle.

The matchmaker really seems hit and miss in cases like that. But you can get some ok matchups where you have a chance to win.

Edit: it does help once you get Keystone as well.

worm4/1/2016, 10:45:51 PM1 votes

We both know you're going to end up leveling that account up anyways, not sure why you even bothered making this post. There's nothing wrong with spending money on a game you enjoy as long as it doesn't hurt your wallet too bad.

Reaper Review4/2/2016, 3:36:45 AM1 votes

Well, I played another game, and my confidence is now pretty crushed.

My team got destroyed by what had to be a group of pretty good smurfs, and by the end, I couldn't even play at all anymore. I was messing up everything I tried to do, and I was just completely out of it. Then in post-game, I told my team I was sorry for being a complete failure and left. (I didn't use any harsh language, though, and didn't call out anyone else.)

I knew I was worthless against any actual smurfs. I have no shotcalling ability, my mechanics are very unrefined, and I'm still prone to tilting if things start going too badly. I don't contribute ANYTHING at all if my team is mismatched.

Edit: Looking at the match history, I ended the game 2/6/2 as Poppy, with the lowest overall kill participation by far and less gold than either support. I knew I'd be a bit out of the game having not seriously played it in like 2 months, but that's a bit much...

Edit 2: Now I went 0/7 as Draven, who I wasn't terrible as on this account. I mean, yes, I have no keystone and had a keystone-less Volibear support against Fervor Trist and TLD Lux, but...

This isn't fun for me anymore. I'm not melting down and indiscriminately flaming everyone like I used to, which is good, but I'm still getting completely demolished by 'real' smurfs because I'm just good enough to be matched against them.

But I'm not giving up yet. I'm going to play bot games until I hit 18. Those keystone versus no keystone matchups are ridiculous.

DrCyanide4/2/2016, 6:06:39 AM1 votes

Some tips that might help:

  1. Link your League account to an Amazon account to get the Starter Bundle. That'll take a chunk out of the champs to buy back.
  2. Spam ARAM games to get to Level 30 (remember they halfed the XP needed to get the 30).
  3. Play your placement games.
  4. Hit up ggtournaments.com (need to be Ranked first). They have ARAM tournaments almost every day, and if you place in the top 4 teams you get RP. If you're in the top 8 you get a 4-game IP boost. Either way will help you build up your champion pool without spending a dime.
King Sephman4/2/2016, 7:30:54 AM1 votes

So after reading everything on this post you have convinced me to help you level. Needed a good excuse to level a new account and this seems like a good enough one for me. If your interested just add this account to your friends and I will msg you when I see you on. Hope to see you soon.

AJStarhiker4/2/2016, 2:24:17 PM1 votes

Hey, Reaper: I'm not in game much (I can have trouble finding uninterupted time on an acceptable internet connection), but send me an invite and, if I'm available to play, I've got another account in the mid-teens somewhere (I made it before I really understood how the LB system worked, but almost never play it).

Reaper Review4/2/2016, 4:56:56 PM1 votes

My reason to play League is twofold. First is the champion variety, as I've already mentioned a few times. On this account, I own a little over 100 champions, and have at some point or another played almost every champion in the game at least once. The only ones I haven't played are LeBlanc and Galio, I think, and maybe Sejuani (and Aurelion Sol, but he was released after I was banned).

Second was that I had every intention of playing with my friends, but I seldom actually did so because I didn't feel like I was good enough to hold my own in a match with them. I finally started to do so, but it was too little too late before my ban. (The last game I played on this account was with some of my friends, actually.)

It really sucks to know that I basically sabotaged my own chances to have fun with the game because I thought I was doing myself a favor by getting myself banned. That's why I can't stress enough that self-esteem isn't something you want to mess with.

I'll continue to work on my new account steadily, but I'm not entirely giving up on ever getting this account back. I'm well aware of how unlikely it is, but I feel there's always a small chance so long as the account still exists anyway.

Oh, right, my other account is "Terminus Edge".

Ada Wong4/2/2016, 11:45:42 PM1 votes

Its really hard to put up with the bullshit like come on one of the biggest things is some common sense in League OF Legends, like honestly, and I am going to sound a bit toxic on this post, but You have to be a retard or flat out trolling to do what just happened to me twice today, Junglers running in my lane at level 3 and flat out throwing me off taking XP, he comes back when I say I hope you know what you are doing, and he continues to troll/throw the entire lane phase then argues me about it.

Like instead of even understanding Why he only argues the entire game doesn't even explain why the hell he is in the lane in the first place.

Running into a lane as a Jungler when the lane has a specific play style, or no reason for you to even be there isn't always the best thing especially between levels 1-6 if you are going to do this and you have absolutely no idea what you are doing then you should ask instead of throwing the game off for 5 other players who want to win, and making the game toxic...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyPxVhAC-Kg

Holy shit.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k29SFxuL-vQ

Edit: make this 3 games in a row where players just flat out trolled me and started toxicity today.

Edit: all game long complaining about (Kill Stealing) In group fights and throwing games can't get more toxic can you when peeps hear I /mute all all they do is complain all game about this good lord?