I was a piece of garbage and it felt good.
I've been having it rough lately, bad game one after another. Sometimes because I did really bad, but usually because some lane int'd or did poorly and it's been building up. Every game somebody dies at 4 mins and I just give up, then and there. It's over in my mind, I lose all track of the game and just brainlessly farm for the next 30 mins, trying to not add any fuel to flame. And with every game the thought of brainlessly farming for the next 30 mins drives me up the wall more and more.
From the first game where my bot fed and my mid died at 1 min, to my second where my mid and top refused common sense and kept feeding so I did the same going 4/14. My third was a real treat though, with a Jax top that never helped me in ganks and blamed me for essentially not solo killing the enemy, Kai'sai feeding and dc'ing every two minutes, and a MF support (not against a zyra) who thought free safe poke was what mattered as a support, not peel/cc/sustain for your adc. And she proceeded to tell me I should go play bots again since I don't understand the purpose of support. Then finally to my forth game where adc picked Ornn and proceeded to feed and try and blame the rest of the team because he was a troll.
The Ornn game was what broke the camel's back. I played nice for the most part, most I did was call him a troll and left it at that, was a little sarcastic telling him he was our carry when he tried to blame others, but that was it. However, at the end of the game, I flamed hard, used every swear word I knew, just let out everything. I knew I was likely to get punished for it, but I just didn't care, all the pent up stress and anger from the past matches had to be let out, I had to vent and so I did. Even this post is just me venting. I know I'm a piece of garbage for flaming him so hard, int'ing one of my games because I was mad, and refusing to participate in general for most. However, I just can't find any other way to deal with the frustration. And writing this post I'm starting to realize, I don't even like this game anymore. At one point it was all I ever played, I've played since season 4 consistently and I think it might be an addiction. No matter how frustrated, mad, upset, or feel like crying that I get, I come back, and I hate it. It's all for that one game where everything feels good and you're having fun, but the 4 other games where all you want to do is smash something with your hands makes it less that worth it.
I need to take a break from this game, permanently and I'm starting to think it would be best if Riot banned me, just so I would have nothing to return to. This game is frustrating, and I'm just another piece of garbage that makes it even worse.
I'm sorry for the aimless rant/vent, I just need to let this out. Type my thoughts and read them back to myself to understand how I feel and what I'm thinking right now.